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Dire Doings

It is not generally known, we believe, that there flourishes in our midst a dignified and worthy body known as the Most Estimable Society of the Grave and Revered Seignors. This august assembly boasts a nominal subscription and consequently a large membership, which, however, is restricted to persons of sound mentality having the well-being of the V.U.C. at heart and, of necessity, possessing strong religious views, a passion for Truth (and Beauty) and a profound contempt for Marie Stopes, Epstein and other such extremists.

The regular monthly meeting of the M.E.S.G.R.S. was held recently in the Men's Common Room (disengaged at the time owing to the heavy-handed methods adopted by "your Executive"). Our special representative, after having the utmost difficulty in eluding the heavily-armed doorkeepers, disguised himself as a pint-pot and managed to attend and furnish us with a report of the proceedings.

In the absence of Seignor (Lord) Bledisloe, Seignor River, caretaker of the College, was elected to the chair.

The Chairman announced the prize-winners in a competition, held at the end of 1928, the object of which was to discover a means of restricting the liberty of undergraduates and consequently to minimise the risk of the students of the College enjoying themselves at any time between March and December. The winning suggestion was forwarded by Prof. X. and was entitled "Examinations Without Notice." This, the Chairman thought, was a masterly effort and, amid deafening applause, he presented the first prize, a Gillette razor and two blades, to Prof. X. The second prize (50 Green) was awarded to the suggestion, "Complete Confinement to College," tendered by Prof. Y., and the third prize (a bottle of Speight's) was awarded to Prof. Z. for his suggestion entitled "Eight Days' Work per Week."

Seignor (Prof.) Stalin-Greene drew attention to the fact that several of the posters which had appeared in the hall during the last few weeks had been of such a character as to necessitate their immediate removal. It was a most regrettable thing, said the speaker, that there was of late a noticeable tendency among the students towards posters and notices which were—well, not quite nice. He attributed this tendency to, inter alia, the number of "A Certificate" Talkies which have appeared lately. He moved that steps should be taken to combat this outbreak of youthful depravity, and that a Vigilance Committee, consisting of Signoritas (Dr.) Heinz and (Miss) Sense-Pales, Seignors Rivers and (Mr.) Clank, should be set up and deputed to act with wide discretionary powers. This complaint was endorsed by Seignor River, who stated that he had, acting under orders from Seignor Greene, removed enough posters from the main hall to paper his ballroom and private apartment.

Seignor (Prof.) Wheatish stated that he had recently attended the Law Dance, and while he was in the Men's Dressing Room he was horrified to see a student of the College with a bottle to his lips (gasps of horror), unmistakably drinking (cries of anxiety) its contents (uproar). He had page 30 accordingly, with the object of compiling statistics, instructed Seignor River to collect evidence. He would now call upon Seignor River to give his report.

Seignor River rose amid applause and announced that, in accordance with Seignor Wheatish's instructions, he had made a thorough inspection of the premises and had collected several (one hundred and twenty-two to be precise) pieces of evidence. He left the room and returned bearing a sack, which he emptied on the floor, disclosing 122 glass liquid rceptacles. Of the bottles exhibited, he said, 4 had contained lubricating oil, 2 cough mixture, 1 Lane's Emulsion, 33 were branded D.C.L.—which he understood stood for Doan's Chilblain Liniment—21 were marked J.D.K.Z.—which he believed was a Dutch breakfast food—and the remainder, judging by their aroma, had apparently contained pain-killer or methylated spirits.

The fear of Seignor Wheatish—except in the case of one bottle of cough-mixture marked "Under-proof Spirit, 13/5%"—to the effect that alcoholic beverages had been consumed during the evening, was, it seemed, entirely unfounded (sighs of relief and cries of heartfelt joy). Seignor River was instructed to dispose of his evidence and to devote the proceeds to the purchase of "Smads" for the Bulgarian students, whose stock of improving literature is apparently pretty low.

The motion of Seignor (Prof.) Taters that steps be taken to bring about the changing of the College motto from "Sapientia magis"—whatever it was, to "In vino Veritas," was lost by one vote.

Seignor (Registrar) Robinson reported that he had observed a small, bristly creature, wearing nothing but a piece of white material on the left foreleg, frequenting the corridors of the building during the last few months. He believed it was some species of insect. He wondered, further, whether it would not be advisable to annihilate the animal and to despatch the remains to the College Museum.

Seignorita Heinz, rising hurriedly, said that on behalf of Seignor Taters, who had left to fulfil an engagement in town at a quarter to six, she could assure the meeting that the creature referred to (1) was canine and (2) belonged to him (Seignor Taters). She warned them that, should anyone interfere with the said Jock, she would apply for an injunction against the offender.

The chairman regretted to state that he had detected a distinct taste of prussic acid in his mid-day beer shortly after noon on July 12th. He explained this phenomenon as a manifestation of the Communistic tendencies of certain students, who no doubt believed that one way of establishing their ideals was to dispose of those who held the reins of power. That chap Friske, now—and one or two others.

Seignor Stalin-Greene, rising rapidly, said it served Seignor River jolly well right. What was he doing drinking beer? Beer—or rather, ale—what was it? A poison!

This concluded the business of the evening and after the Secretary had been instructed to make arrangements for the annual banquet to be held in the Great at about five o'clock on September 13th, the gathering concluded with the singing of Mr. Fabian's well-known hymn, "Miss O'Reilly."

—Vates.