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Pundit's Puddin'

Its Proof Is In The Eating

Situated in one of the sunniest and windiest parts of the most charming town in a delightfully rich country, overflowing with potential wealth, there was, long ago, a great and glorious university college, called after a wise and good queen. The students of this university had everything that could delight the heart of man.

"A large and commodious building, well heated by a most efficient system; a staff of learned gentlemen; a library filled with honoured volumes; numberless tennis courts; a well-equipped gymnasium; comfortable common-rooms. Every facility for study and enjoyment, including a cafeteria, where cheap, tasty and well-cooked meals can be obtained." (Extract from the Calendar.)

In spite of all these advantages, the students were unhappy; so unhappy, indeed, that they grumbled and mumbled in corners and hallways, driving that worthy man, Mr. B——, almost to madness. Luckily, the prospect of having to listen to the singing of the Social Service Club, on its annual visit to the Mental Hospital, kept him sane. At last a deputation of these most miserable creatures waited upon the University Fathers.

"We come to crave redress for our wrongs," said their leader. The condition of things in this university is horrible. We have endured them for so many moons, hoping and praying earnestly that things might right themselves, but now we can bear it no longer."

At this moving speech of their leader, the members of the deputation sank on their knees and held out their hands imploringly. With tears in his eyes, the Chairman of the University bade them rise. "Alas," said he, "we have done all we can for you. Have we not installed a most efficient heating apparatus of best British make?"

"Yes, yes!" said the deputation.

"Have we not built a commodious building, with light, airy corridors?"

"Yes, yes!" said the deputation.

"Have we not built numberless tennis courts, a well-equipped gymnasium, comfortable common-rooms and a library?"

"Yes, yes!" said the deputation.

"Well, then, what is the matter? Why are you so sad, so discontented, so ungrateful?"

"Oh," said the leader, "it is the cafeteria of which we complain."

"The cafeteria! Why, I am told that the cheapest, tastiest meals in all the city are served there. Meals, hot and steaming, made from the best ingredients, quickly served in artistic and pleasant surroundings. Ingrates, miserable upstarts, get out!" The worthy man's moustache quivered with anger. Still the deputation did not go. "Sir," said the leader, "we ask one boon from you, the Fathers of the University: Will you, or one of your august company, disguise himself and partake of one meal with the ordinary common herd of students? Then you can judge page 36 for yourselves whether our complaints are true or false. I would respectfully suggest six o'clock in the evening,"

After conferring together, counting their money, the Chairman, with a kindly smile, replied: "My children, your request is granted." Weeping with joy, the deputation withdrew.

The fateful night drew near. The distinguished leader of the Commerce Faculty, disguised as a science student, and attended by his faithful dog, sallied out and down the stairs. Beautiful maidens fluttered past him on either side, so he was a little late in arriving at the doors. To his amazement, a long queue oozed out of the room, and the worthy man prepared to wait. After half an hour he found himself four feet nearer his destination—true, he had been trodden on three times and been compelled to give his coat buttons to his hungry dog—still he heard many curious remarks about his colleagues, which gave him strange joy.

At length, after waiting one hour, till six o'clock, to be precise, he found himself in front of the food-ordering cage.

"What will you have?" said a dulcet voice, and a menu was pushed under his nose.

"Oh, er-er—soup."

"No soup!"

"Well, er—stew."

"No stew."

"Tea and sandwiches then."

"No sandwiches."

"Well, er-er—bread and butter."

"No bread."

"What, no bread!!!"

"No."

"Well, in heaven's name, woman, what is there?"

"Tea."

"Tea? Nothing else?"

"Oh, yes. Chocolate biscuits"

"Well, I'll have two chocolate biscuits and a cake for my dog." Whereupon he stretched out his hand for a ginger-cake which was reposing in solitary grandeur on a plate near by.

"Wait, wait! I'll give you one of the students' cakes," said the damsel behind the counter. "Sixpence for the lot, please." The worthy man began thereupon to think.

Thus it was that the worthy Mr. B——, caretaker for so long at this well-known college, received one of the greatest shocks of his life. Perceiving what he took for a science student gnawing at one of the door handles, he hastened to the scene to administer the correct reproof. Imagine his amazement when the figure turned and disclosed the well-known features of a highly honoured gentleman of the Professorial Board.

"But, sir, what are you doing?" he faltered.

"Finishing the splendid meal I have just partaken of in the careteria," came the astounding reply.

"Professors aren't what they were," thought Mr. B—— sadly.

—A.M.D.