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The Futility of Spenser

In a recent letter from the Shah of Persia, I was gravely thanked for some modest suggestions concerning the improvement of English in schools. The Shah was especially pleased at the practical nature of the hints, and stated that all dissentient teachers and professors had been promptly bastinadoed and executed—a method of procedure to be admired—and that the remainder had then adopted the suggestions with every appearance of alacrity. The Shah went on, however, to say that there were some things which—like his wives—were hard to understand. During his nightly attacks of indigestion, the Grand Viler had been reading him passages from Spenser's "Faerie Queene," and these had left him in such perplexity that the execution of the Vizier and the appointment of a new one had brought no peace to his pillow.

"Your Zane Grey I can understand," wrote the Shah, "but your Spenser, no. When your Zane Grey says: 'Long Wolf's six-shooter roared three times, and each time a man crumpled I know what he means. But when your Spenser says: "A gentle knight was pricking on the plain,' I can but tear my beard. For his hero is a mere woman from the first; he calls him a ' gentle knight.' What, O all-perceiving and upright brother, is the use of a gentle knight? Is not the true hero the un-gentle knight, the young man whose 'six-shooter roars ' continually, who meets his rival in fair fight, cuts off his head when he is not looking, destroys his tents, and carries off his bride according to our national ideals? Shall I tell you the fault of your Spenser? He is too mild; he has not enough 'pep' Can you not—to bring blessed relief to one perplexed heart at least—re-arrange him, enliven him, make him modern? This do, O father of the wise, and the birds of Allah's blessing shall roost, as it were, for ever in thy beard."

Well, after all, the Shah is a particularly old friend of mine, and I see no reason why I should not oblige him, if only to keep his new Vizier from the destructor. I shall not, however, re-write the whole of the "Faerie Queene" One or two stanzas will suffice, as an inspiration to other students, upon whose shoulders my mantle will then descend. Then, should the world of literature some day behold a first gorgeous edition of '"The Faerie Queene, Re-written in Jazz Style, with Snappy Additions and Spicy Anecdotes" by Reginald B. Plonke or some such person, I shall feel that my life has not been wasted. Let any such aspirants, therefore, carefully study and master the following specimen, which reproduces along more modern lines what Spenser intended as the blood-stirring battle between Orgoglio and the Red Cross Knight:—

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He, when the Knighte he spotted, 'gan to rore,
As doe the Studentes on theyre Cappinge Daye;
And after him atte sixtie knottes he tore,
Who truth to telle was not inclined to staye,
But that hys Oxforde bagges gotte in the waye,
And tyde him in a complycated knotte.
Quite sicke with feare he turned atte last to baye,
And rolling up hys shirt-sleeves sayd, "Great Scotte!
As I'm a Dutchmann I'm afrayd I'll catch it hotte."

Thereto hys kindled corage gan to melte;
Yett, gulping downe hys First and Champion feare,
He smote hys foeman one below the belte;
The Geaunt bellowing gan hys club upreare,
To put the Red Cross Knighte cleane out of geare.
Then swung hys tree-trunk like a cricket batte;
And when the wepon grazed the hero's eare.
He muttered as the impacte knocked him flatte:
"I'm bothered if I wante another one like thatte!"

—D.J.D.