[Excerpt from an historical play, "James I," especially designed for the use of students of the Pass History class, and embracing the period in history,]

Dramatis Personae.

Elizabeth	The Heroine
James I	A Suitor for the Hand of Elizabeth
Metternich	A Villain
Bismarck	Henchman of James I.
Alexander I	A Kind-hearted Chimney Sweep
Katherine Parr	Maid to the Queen, and engaged to Metternich
Mehemet Ali	An Oriental Fruiterer
Garibaldi	Court Usher and Policeman
Lords And Ladies

Scene: The Court of the Palace.

[Enter Elizabeth, attended by Katherine Parr.]

Elizabeth:Nay, Katherine, my fair one. Say not so. My cousin James is not a pretty suitor. They say he is of such enormous bulk That the hath ne'er perceived his royal feet, For which, thank Heaven; they are far too large To cause him aught but sorrow. Katherine:Even so? Then, Majesty, think not of him, I pray; But come, go halves with me in this doughnut. 'Tis good for the complexion. Hark! A knock!

[Enter Garibaldi.]

Garibaldi:Mistress, King James of Scotland stands without. Elizabeth:Stands without what? Nay, but I think I know; He has no thinking gear. He's without brains. But fetch him, Garibaldi. Show him in. page 34 Mayhap his feet are wet with the wet road; There is so much of them.

[Enter James, attended by Bismarck.]

James:Elizabeth, My fairest cousin— Elizabeth:Come now, cut it short. James:Aye, cousin. It was e'er my wont to speak Two short words where one long would do as well. But to make known our will without delay— Wilt be my wife? If so, I'll be thy man, Thy willing: slave, thy humble serf, thy clown. Elizabeth:Nay, cousin, fret not. Thou'rt a clown already. But it becomes our queenly modesty To make thee take fair choice of yon three chests, As once did Roman Portia. If thou'rt right, I shall bestow my hand. Come, Garibaldi. Display the chests to our fair coz. Garibaldi:This way, sir. [Sings] If thou can'st this riddle read. Then thou shalt be blest indeed. Lo, before thy royal eyes, Coffers three of varied size. Each conceals a pair of boots; One mayhap your person suits. Choose the pair that fits thy feet— Toes and heels and all complete— And thou shalt be blest indeed If thou can'st this riddle read. James:St. Andrew! Our divine prerogative Stands us in little stead in such a case. Our brain alone must penetrate this puzzle. What have we here? Nay, this is far too small, For though mine eyes have ne'er beheld my feet, I've heard e'en dull John Knox himself exclaim, "My! But he's firmly rooted in Scotch soil!" Wherefore I spurn this chest. Here lies the second, Which, though of somewhat costlier workmanship, Resembles yet the first, being small in size. Why then, I'll choose the third; 'tis larger far. Than these two midgets. Coz, I choose the third. Elizabeth:Then, cousin, do thou try them on straight-way. James [to Bismarck]:Come, my dear Bismarck, I am all impatience. Draw forth the boots, and thrust them on my feet. Bismarck [drawing them forth]:A pair of leather giants! "Size fourteen!" [Attempting to put them on] : Why, Majesty, what's this? And size fourteen! The boot's completely filled with thy dear foot, Yet not the half of that dear foot's obscured. James [angrily]:Tut, tut, man! Pull the harder. They'll come on. Bismarck [straining]:Nay, my dear lord and sovran. 'Tis in vain. page 35 James [in wrath]:Cousin, this is a heartless trick of thine, Designed to bring to scorn my chief misfortune. Elizabeth:Away with thee! Thou art a scurvy knave. Away with thee! And if thy frightful foot Again defiles my hallowed halls, thou'It die. James:Thou vixen. Thou shalt rue, thou rat-faced kidney bean. Elizabeth:The mass of odious impressions, sir, I have derived from looking at thy face, Stir up in me a proper hate of thee. There's brass enough, sir, in thy sorry face to make a handsome kettle. James:And in thy tongue 'There's sauce enough to fill it, my fair cousin. Elizabeth:What! Say'st thou so? Pish! I'll no more of thee.

[Exit wrathfully, attended by Katherine Parr.] [Enter Metternich.]

Metternich:What, Majesty! Thy face has grown so long

That I am sure some ill hath smitten thee.

James:"I'll" is no word for it, good Metternich. My coz has flouted, scorned and jilted me. Metternich:Nay then, loved King. Let joy erase your care. I have a plan whereby 'twill all come right. James:My noble Metternich! Give me thy hand! What is this plan? Metternich:We shall kidnap the Queen And by dire threats force her to be thy bride. Let some undoubted follower of thine Wait here to seize her as she comes again, Delivering her in chains at thy good pleasure. Hast here a trusty follower? James:That have I. My noble Bismarck will my word obey. He cleaves to me as though tight-bound with chains, Acting my smallest wish: a man of iron. If some foul rapier e'er my Bismarck kills, It will reveal but Blood and Iron—pills. Metternich:He is our man. What, Bismarck! Wait thou here, And when this vixen Queen appears again, Deliver her to us, well gagged and bound.

[Exeunt.]

[Enter Alexander I.]

Alexander:What fearsome plot is this? The day of doom Hath surely dawned for sweet Elizabeth. As I sat resting from my sooty toil, Hid by yon chimney, this most frightful plan Came to my ears. What course shall I pursue? I'll keep the matter secret, and myself Save our fair Queen from this impending fate. An act so noble may effect a rise Of half-a-crown a week in my poor wages.

[Enter Mehemet Ali, with basket.]

page 36 Mehemet Ali:Sweet apple, callot, parsnip, brocolee! Olange, lettuce, onion, cabbagee! Alexander [seizing him by the throat]:Hold thy rash babbling! Oriental bug! Would'st bring the men-at-arms about our ears To prick us forth with steel ? Nay, turn not pale. Thou'rt a poor man, and I a troubled one. If thou'ltassist me in my present plight I'll buy up all thy filthy merchandise. Mehemet Ali:Spare my poor life, dread vision. Gloomy shade, New sprung from Tartarus, arrayed in jet, Spare my poor life, and I'll embrace thy foot. Alexander.Then hearken! In yon curtain—mantled chamber Thou wilt find a robe and veil, which our dear Queen Is wont to wear when she goes forth to air. Array thyself in them, disguise thyself, Veiling thy bilious countenance from sight, And when the reeling stroke of midday peals, At which same hour our noble Queen comes in, Do thou come quickly here, resembling her In gait and figure. Thus we circumvent The traitor Maternich. Mehemet Ali:Sir, I'm thy slave.

[Exeunt.]

[Enter Katherine Parr, with duster.]

Katherine:What villain's scheme is this? What knell of death To my loved Metternich and good King James? As I pursued my daily round hard by, Wiping the gathered dust from each recess, I softly chanced upon this chimney sweep, Divulging his dread scheme to my quick ears. Shall he thus foil my master Metternich, To save my braggart mistress ? Rather far I'd give myself to slaughter. Garibaldi!

[Enter Garibaldi.]

Garibaldi:Fair mistress, dids't thou ring? Katherine:Cease thy vile jokes, Thou lumbering ox. If fate e'er gives me power I'll ring thy stupid neck. Attend my words! Conceal thyself in yonder tapestry, And when thou see'st a coloured fruiterer Draw nigh to enter, spring with speed upon him, Then bear him hence and lock him in a cell. Do this in secret, and I'll well reward thee. Garibaldi:Lady, thy smile's the best reward for duty.

[Exeunt.]

[The clock strikes twelve. Enter figure of Queen. Bis-marck springs forth from concealment and attacks figure.]

Figure:Help, ho! Bismarck:Still, Queen! Thou art my prisoner.

[He binds figure and drags it away.] [Enter James and Metternich.]

Metternich:Thus, Majesty, my subtle counsels prove Successful, and thy wishes are fulfilled. page 37 James:What, Thinkest Thou The Queen Is Now Secured? Metternich:Aye, Majesty. She Is Our Prisoner. Heard You Yon Scuffle And Despairing Cry? That Was The Queen'S Own Voice. Thy Sturdy Henchman Hath Done His Business Well. James:O, Noble Bismarck.

[Enter Elizabeth, Attended By Katherine Parr.]

Metternich [Starting Back]:Why, What Is This? The Queen Herself Draws Nigh! James [Starting Back]:The Queen Herself? What Treachery Is This? She Hath Slipped Through Our Hands. Vision Accurst! Thou Villain, Metternich! Thou Hast Betrayed Me! Metternich [Upon His Knees] :Nay, My Dread Lord. The Fault Is None Of Mine.

[Enter Mehemet Ali, Undisguised, Pursued By Bismark.]

Bismarck:Thou Vile Celestial! I'Ll Have Thy Blood! Sire, We'Re Betrayed! This Hawker Is No Queen.

[Enter Garibaldi.]

Garibaldi [Seizing Mehemet By The Throat]: Sir, I Arrest

Thee. Come Away With Me. [They Struggle.]

Metternich:Majesty! 'Tis Our Chance! Our Wits Have Failed. Then Let Us Use Our Arms. Seize We The Queen, While Garibaldi Is Hard Put To It. James:Seize The Queen! Ha, Fair Cousin! You Are Our'S.

[James, Metternich, And Bismarck Attack The Queen.]

Elizabeth:Bring Help! Where Are My Men-At-Arms? Help Ho!

[Enter Alexander With A Shotgun.]

Alexander:Hands Up, Ye Villains! Come, Put Up Your Hands, Or I Shall Fill You Full Of Leaden Grit!

[James, Metternich, And Bismarck Put Up Their Hands.]

Elizabeth:Most Noble Sweep! Thou Art Our Sweet Pre-Server. Blessings Upon Thy Person. Garibaldi, Release The Fruiterer. He Means No Harm. [Mehemet Released.] But Bind These Blackest Villains Hand And Foot And Cast Them In My Dungeons. See To It. And This Vain Katherine Parr—take her as well, For She Is One With Them In Fault And Spirit, [Garibaldi Proceeds To Bind The Four Prisoners.] [Enter Lords And Ladies.] And Now To Business. Lords And Ladies All, You Are Aware That Now For Many Years My Commons, Whose Least Wishes I Respect, Have Oft Petitioned Me To Take A Husband. Not For Long Years Have I Delayed In Vain, But Only Tarried To Make Better Choice, Seeking The Mortal After My Own Heart. Nor Have I Sought In Vain. Lo, There He Stands! [Indicating Alexander.] Sweet Sweep, Wilt Thou Consent To Share My Throne? Alexander:With Every Pleasure, Sovran. But Behold My Sorry Rags, My Chimney-Blackened Hands. Are These Fit Candidates For Thy Great Throne? page 38 Elizabeth:"Tis not in outward features we delight. What though thy face be black ? Thy heart is white. Come, take my hand. Sound, saxophones!

[Sennet. Exeunt Queen, Alexander, Lords, Ladies and Mehemet Ali.]

Garibaldi:Come, shake it up, sir King. Thou'rt not in Scotland now. Hast aught to say To thy vile henchmen ere I have thee hence? James:Good Metternich, good Bismarck, Katherine Parr Our plans have all miscarried. Hope is dead. What price prerogative in such a stead! Nay, I'll no more. Let us our dungeons grace. Would I had ne'er perceived my cousin's face! Better perhaps to bear unmarried pain, Than married torture half as bad again. Come, Metternich. Let us our prison see. There shall I swear at Kate and you at me, And may our speech not heard by policemen be!

[Flourish. Exeunt.]

—D.J.D.