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Mr. Dooley On The New Theocracy

"They's no denyin' but what Prof. Treske takes a fine phottygraft," said Mr. Dooley, thoughtfully regarding a copy of the "Free Lance."

"Ye don't say," said Mr. Hennessy, eagerly."Let's have a look at it."

After a glance he handed the paper back." I don't see anythin' in that," he said disappointedly.

"What were ye expectin'?" asked Mr. Dooley in mild surprise. "Sompthin' classycal? I'm afraid ye'er taste has been undhermined be th' debased notions iv th' Greeks or thim pious Eyetalian fellies that lived in th' ages befure th' fashion joornals inthruded into th' field of ar-rt an' th' aisiest thin' to paint was a rosy blush. I well raymimber how ye niver cud injye a show onless th' leadin' lady an' wan hunderd per cint. iv th' chorus had calves that bulged like a publican's waist-line. An' if they happened to come on a little forgitful iv th' amount iv clothin' they wore to church on Sundahs ye'd only wink an' say it wasn't as cowld on th' stage as it was on th' beach, an' annyway they wasn't Varsity students. Ye were a Dimmycrat in thim days, Jawn, an' baylieved in lettin' th' public have what it wanted, ayven if it did have to look through its fingers sometimes at what it was gittin'. But ye'er morayle has weakened now, Jawn. Th' pitchers has took all th' fun out iv things f'r ye be lavin' nawthin' to th' imagynation. An' so ye rist .yeer jaded intellec' be attindin' ixtravaganders.

"I won't say ye're not a betther man f'r it. Ye've baycome more seeryous. Wanst ye'd almost fall over ye'erself rushin' up to th' bar to ask me if I'd heerd th' latest thin' th' Varsity byes was takin' off an' whether I'd come along an' help in th' fun ye were goin' to have at th' speshul indignation meetin' iv cittyzins called to raypudiate th' sathire. Now ye enther with th' subdued look iv a Varsity bye that's goin' up f'r his dyplomy an' wondherin' will th' Chancellor let slip what marrks he got. ' Thim kids at th' Varsity has a gr-reat games misthress all right,' says ye in a hushed v'ice. Ar-re they administherin' boot-leg to ould Toot-an'-come-in agin this year?' I asks. ' Not thim,' says ye, scornful of th' aspersions I'm ign'rintly castin' on their originality. ' They're euttin' off th' head iv Charlotte Russe this time,' says ye. 'She's a Bolshevixen, if ye want to know, Dooley,' says ye, ' an' 'twud be a thrillin' scene on'y th' curtin gits restless an' comes down befure th' hangman c'n make it reelistic. Nex' year,' says ye, ' 'twill be fine. They'll put on th' ixicution iv King Charles th' Firrust or perhaps th' buryal iv Sir Jawn Moore. But it ain't all blood an' thundher, says ye. ' There's a fine intellechooal touch given be th' girruls an' byes runnin' aroun' an wavin' balloons.' 'That's mint to riprisisint youth,' says I. ' I used to play with thim things mesilf whin I was a kid.' 'But,' says ye, ' they's plinty iv rayligion, too. Ye ought to see how howly thim byes an' girruls act in th' scene written be Father Ruck. Firrust they marreh in solemn like a lot iv clargy goin' to the dintist; thin they lift their hands to hivin; thin they all git down on their knees an' pray just like Culford Bell inspired thim." An' do they git what they pray f'r?' says I 'I'm. not sure,' says ye, but I think they make ixpinses.' Ain't that enough, Jawn? Ye know what their motto says, that things in th' page 23 head is more thrillin' than things in th' pocket? Thim Varsity byes-has a sowl above money, else they'd folly in th' footsteps iv Jawn Fuller an' give th' public what it thinks it used to want. They cud never do that, Jawn, f'r th' College girruls ain't coarse enough in th' grain.

"But I'm glad they're cuttin' out th' funny stuff, Jawn. Th' on'y class iv people that c'n handle a joke safely is th' proiissors. Besides, th' amachoorish ift'orts iv th' studints wud on'y atthract th' ojum iv public attintion, an' ye know how th' Varsity byes hate that. They don't like th' public to know they're there. An' th' public rayspicts their feelin's an' devotes itself to throwin' things that can't hit thim. But supposin' th' public was suddinly to thrust its unwelcome attintion upon thim, can ye imageen th' cowld horror that wud shudder through their boosoms as th' vulgar coin iv th' light-headed prolytariat began to pour into th' vargin coffers iv th' Stud. Ass. Th' wan that wud be stricken most wud be Brother Ruck. He'd break his vow iv perpechooal silence. ' Is it f'r this,' he'd moan, 'that I've cultivated the' modist ways iv a shrinkin' vi'let? Me,' he'd say, ' that was th' firrust to discover,' he'd say, ' be prayer an' fastin',' he'd say, ' th' sacred trut' that wisdom might possibly be more than good? Take away th' demoralisin' 'rash out iv me sight,' he'd say, ' hut count it carefully,' he'd say, ' so that th' full horror iv th' siehooation can dawn on ye. An' I'll argy th' pint with ye,' he'd say, ' both ways,' he'd say, ' f'r ye put me "u me difince,' he'd say, ' whichiver side ye take.

"What makes me quail to think iv, Jawn, is th' dreadful invy that wud be stirred up in th' breasts iv th' local branch iv th' Klu Klux Klan whin they met to incite wan another at their annooai confirmee. After gnashin' their teeth an' niakin' their eyes flash as demanded be their oath iv initiation, th' devoted diligates wud over-come their varchuse indignation sufficiently to hurrl a burnin' resy-lution over th' wires. ' Havin' effechooally disposed iv th' aban-doned activities iv th' Debatin' S'ciety,' they'd move, ' we passion-ately draw th' indolint attintion iv th' Minister iv so-called Idjica-tion to th' disliel attitude iv th' Victorya Collige ixtravagandists in interin' into onfair competition with th' ifforts iv our liel organisation to provide comic raylief f'r th' people iv this onwakeful Dominion; an' we arrge upon th' said Ministhev to wake up an' suppriss th' outrageous an' immor'l propyganda aginst th' thrue inthirsts iv th' Impire conducted be means iv a studint named Wallace attirin' himself as a Bye Scout.' No, Jawn, makin' jokes ain't goin' to save th' Impire from th' nixt war that we're lookin' forward to with such inthoosiasm. Th' better-minded studints reelise th' fact, an' ar-re preparin' thimsilves be manooverin' about th' stage in costyumes coloured like th' flag iv Impire. Discipline is what th' byes is afther, Jawn, an' that's why they've illicted Prof. Tresize to th' position iv Dictator.

"Th' Prof's th' bye to put pep into th' Varsity, Jawn. He'll put his foot down on all that studint stuff that goes on up there. Wud ye believe, some of thim onrayginirate kids has niver ayven been to the Cabaret. They spind their nights instid crammin' what they call their intellects ontil they don't feel comfortable onless they're standin' on their heads. That's no good f'r progriss, Jawn. ft makes thim think th' wurrld's all wrong. What they want is to be taught how to use their feet. An' onless they immejitly put thim silves undher a theocracy they'll niver know they's anny use f'r page 24 their feet ixcipt to carry their heads aroun' with. Theo'll teach thim byes that their heads don't matther. He'll inthroduce dancin' in th' Library, an' ivry studint'll have to git his U.K.A.P.T.D. befure he'll be allowed to touch a book, an' thin he won't want to. It ain't likely Theo'll insist on th' other profissors larnin' to jazz and bunny-hug—not outside iv lechurs at anny rate—but they'll all have to larrn ellycution. Young Plogan tells me he c'n niver hear what a lechur's about onless he takes an alarrum clock into class, an' he thinks some iv th' profissors don't like that. An' th' Profs'll have to dress their parts properly, f'r Theo don't like gowns. He says they ain't a nacheral costyume, an' don't sthrike th' eye th' way a toga wild, or an Irish Republican imyform, or ayven a pair iv kilts. They's sompthin' in what he says, too, Jawn; 'twill be a splindid advartisemint f'r th' Collige. They'll be no more need f'r free Varsity idjication. Th' people'll pay double to come.

"Whin Brookie is injuced to tarrn his tay-room into a minachoor cabaret, thin th' revvylution'll be complete. An' it won't be th' revvylution th' timid public thinks th' Varsity byes is always planum'. 'Twill be a revvylution that will please th' public be givin' it what Prof. Theo thinks it wants.

"No, Jawn; that photygraft may not be classycal, but it's thurly symbolical. Revvylution ridin' in on Terpsichore-that's what th' pitcher means. An' 'twill be a movin' pitcher befure long."

"Who'll do th' movin'?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

"Th' Stud. Ass.," answered Mr. Dooley. "With its hind feet."

P.J.S.