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The Spike: or, Victoria College Review, September 1923

II. The Secretary Of The V.U.C.S.A., Etc., Etc

II. The Secretary Of The V.U.C.S.A., Etc., Etc.

He swooped down upon me as I neared his portal and seized me by the arm.

"I've been looking for you," he said, dragging me inside and peremptorily indicating a chair. "Sit down there."

His pedagogic aspect stirred in me a feeling which I had often experienced in my schooldays. I sat down.

"The public interest," he commenced, distinctly enunciating each syllable and giving particular emphasis to the sibilants, "the public interest, which I have succeeded in centering upon this College, requires that f be formally interviewed in the pages of 'The Spike ' Now, it is undesirable that such an interview be conducted in the customary haphazard manner, on account of the tendency which that method possesses of leaving the person interviewed at the mercy of the interviewer. I have therefore carefully prepared a suitable account of this interview which I desire you strictly to follow. You will start like this: 'Beyond all doubt the most able and energetic member of the local University College is the student page 25 who amalgamates in himself the varied offices of Secretary of the Debating Society, Secretary of the Students' Association, Treasurer of the Central European Students' Relief Movement, Committee 'of the Free Discussions Club——'"

I fanned myself. "Hold on a minute," I protested, "before you claim to be Registrar, Librarian, Senate, and Professorial Board, It is a little too much like Gilbert and Sullivan."

"What do you mean?" he frowned.

"'Oh, I am a cook, and a captain bold, and the mate of the Nancy brig, "I quoted". There is something in the 'Mikado,' I think, that also applies."

"Don't be silly," he uttered curtly. "I am merely stating facts. As I was saying when you interrupted with your ill-conditioned remark——"

"Cease your regimentation," I said sternly. "The press of this democratic country, as you must know, cannot be made a vehicle of propaganda —except at space rates. Suppose now that the 'Spike' is induced to print your eulogy—'by arrangement'—can you guarantee payment?"

He brightened. "Is that all?" he said, with a relieved air. "It happens that the Debating Society has embarked upon an energetic policy of publicity and i am in a position, therefore, to pass a resolution, here and now, that your account, whatever it is, be approved. To proceed then——"

"Wait another minute," I again interposed. "What will the committee say to this extraordinary procedure?"

"Never mind that,' he said, testily."I am the committee. I am the Debating Society. It involves no immodest claim for me to say that the proud position which that organisation holds in the public estimation to-day is entirely due to my energy and progressiveness. Who was it, may I ask, that aroused the Society from I he moribund condition into which it had relapsed through the discussion of such idle questions as 'Should Bachelors be Single-Taxed?' 'Js Honesty the Best Polities?' and so on, and gave it a Parliamentary, not to mention an International, importance? In this connection let me quote——

He turned to a cabinet wherein was a number of cards, mainly of a red colour. I seized my chance.

"Then you're the bold, bad Bolshie that they're all trying to catch?" I twitted.

He whipped round with a menacing glare in his eyes.

"An unscrupulous canard," he hurled at me, "due probably to the circumstance that the Society contains a sprinkling of ideologists who are foolish enough to place principle before politics. I would have you know that I personally possess the confidence of such diverse bodies as the Women's National Reserve and the Labour Party, not to mention innumerable members of Parliament, including the Prime Minister himself, in defense of whom I have had the honour of contributing to the Press."

"Why these autographed pictures of Lenin and Trotsky then?" I queried, pointing to the wall.

He hastily reversed them, and lo! excellent representations of the Prime Minister and the Leader of the Opposition appeared on the other sides.

"It is essential for a man of my interests to be prepared for all manner of emergencies," he comfortably explained.

page 26

"You are completely exonerated,' I said."Tell me of your other activities."

"I was coming to that," he assured me, ticking off the first paragraph of his brochure and selecting some papers from a pigeonhole. "I have here in my hand proposals for reconstructing the life of the University and placing the communal affairs of students upon an organised basis."

"Firstly, I propose to effect the abolition of the present shiftless system of College Clubs. These institutions should not be left to struggle along in meek dependence upon the wanton choice or individual whims of study-engrossed people. I propose to obtain the Council's approval of a multiple subscription which all entering the College shall be compelled to pay along with their College fee. The amount must necessarily at first be merely sufficient to provide for the present standard of requirements, but, as in the case of the College fees, it will be increased as soon as the student body has become accustomed to it."

"That will allow of some extensive advertising," I commented.

"Pre-cisely," he said. "A more important effect will be to centralise College activities in the hands of a single body, which of course must be the Stud. Ass., with myself as Secretary. The success of this arrangement will, by judicious publicity, be impressed upon the other 'Varsities, until in due course a union will be effected of all the central student bodies in the Dominion under the leadership of the initiating body."

"Glorious!" I enthused. "One Big Union!"

"I don't like the expression," he remarked, disapprovingly. "It savours too much of the democratic."

"But surely," I said, "you will not stop there. Such an influential combination should be entitled to elect a member of Parliament."

"Undoubtedly," he agreed, with a beaming smile ".As with Oxford. I am quite prepared for that inevitability. In fact, I have been assiduously preparing for some time."

"You leave nothing to chance," I suggested, admiringly.

"Nothing whatever," he said. "] have it all set out in my card indexes. This cabinet contains my proposals for next year. The larger cabinet contains my programme for the following year, and so on with the larger remaining cabinets, until a larger Cabinet still shall contain myself."

"You will not stop there?" I inquired enthusiastically. "Why not follow the example of the Y.M.C.A. and have a World Secretary."

"I am prepared for that also," he said, beaming again. "Here is my proposed itinerary. As Treasurer of the Student Relief .Movement, I shall be in an uncommonly excellent position to fulfil the duties of that office."

"Then—the League of Nations," I ventured joyously.

He maintained a modest silence.

"But how will you manage to combine duties which call for your presence in so many different parts of the world?' I thought to ask.

"The .Right Honourable the present Prime Minister achieves a certain amount of omnipresence," he enlightened me. "I shall make a special point of improving upon that rudimentary condition of things. To pass on to the next matter. . . ."

page 27

I reverently let him pass.

". . . . A certain amount of criticism will have to be encountered, of course," he said. "Now that the critical ability of the College has been awakened, measures will have to be taken to suppress it. I will not tolerate any Bolshevism. Accordingly, therefore, I propose to establish a censorship of expression in the College with a view to achieving harmony of purpose. The 'Spike' first of all must undergo restraint."

"The 'Spike'?" I murmured, with a sinking feeling.

"Of what earthly use is it at present?" he demanded. "Does it ever concern itself with the larger issues of life—such issues, for instance, as will commend it to the respectful attention of members of Parliament?"

"The Labour members read it eagerly," I mentioned feebly.

"Bah!" he ejaculated. "I mean, yes, of course. But I want it to be a mentor to the whole of our noble Legislature. It must contain political biographies, commencing with those of present Ministers of the Crown, as well as carefully-chosen extracts from Hansard. It must include original statistics—everything, in fact, which will endear it to, and create the excited support of, the Powers That Be. I have the whole of the details here on card X23/47 (6) a, and will put them into execution so soon as I obtain complete control of the journal."

"Let me out of this," I moaned, suddenly feeling faint. "Oh, child of my intellect, flower of my imagination—that I should live to see thee dragged upon the ignominious hurdle of politics! Give me some air."

"All right, but take this interview," he said, thrusting a large bundle of closely-typed sheets at me.

"No, no!" I cried, waving it away. "I did not come here for any interview. I thought I smelt gas, and I wanted to see where it was escaping."

I retreated, and he advanced upon me, pushing the book-like bundle towards my hand. ... It touched me, and I shrieked. A sternly deliberate voice smote upon my ear.

"There is no rule forbidding a student to sleep in the Library," it said, "but we strongly discourage anything in the nature of disorder. You are requested to leave the room immediately."

My heart suddenly flooded with relief, and I turned one apologetic glance upon the dear old scholar who stood over me—then dived madly for the door.