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Mr. Dooley on the Wild Student.

"They tell me th' night-dooty polisman in Manners Street fainted at th' nise made in th' arly mornin' be th' stujents retarnin' fr'm cellybratin' th' Ixtravagander, or whitiver they call it," said Mr. Hennessy.

"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "ye put it dilicately, Jawn. I heerd 'twas th' odour iv th' potent liquors consumed be th' same University boys bechune th' acts an' behind th' scenes. But don't ye believe it, th' only thing dhrunk be th' wild stujents behind th' scenes was coffee. It was called coffee. Th' fifty odd bottles iv Johnny Walker an' prime Constantia sent be meself, f'r purely thayatrical purposes d'ye mind, to rayplenish th' ile in th' lamps broke be Craig Kennedy's marvellyous gigglite bomb, was dhrunk be inthristod visitors fr'm th' gallery. They was a continule stream iv thim, I'm told, an' th' dure iv th' dressin'-room where th' chemical effecs was praypared was kept as wide open as th' mouth iv a lylist, to th' grreat embarrassment iv Maud Allen an' Paekakariki Bobby, th' famous nachur studies an' wild life exparts iv Wikitoria."

"But don't you run away with th' idee that these stujents' ix-travaganders are good f'r thrade, onless it be th' paint thrade. Even th' dhrapers wud starve if we let that felly Mack Sennet go in much f'r higher education. Time was whin th' wild stujents hit th' town with a nise like a Frinch pollytical newspaper discussin' th' collictin' iv th' indemnity, arrayed in th' garments of bashibazouks an' fuchurists—most amazengarbs—behavin' like Black an' Tans in their gen'ril conduct, an' their tongues hangin' out like th' Maori Wars. Thin we'd send th' barmaids home, put bars on th' cellar dures, an' hide th' loose bottles behind th' chimney-piece. 'Twas no use, Jawn. They tuk to comin' down th' chimneys. But outside a little anxiety as to what the laboratry fellies wud lave in th' barrels, I didn't mind it at all, Jawn. The C.U. always paid up handsome."

"Conthrast th' sichuation now! With th' high cost iv livin' sindin' up th' price iv slate pincils, th' stujents can't run it; an' if they cud, well there's a new wurruld born on th' cindhers iv th' ould, as Ruddie Kiplin' puts it, with Sir Bob Stout f'r its guidin' star, registerin' safety first. 'Th' 'Varsity man,' says Bob, not Semple, ye ign'rint proleytariat, 'th' 'Varsity man, an' ye look like kids to me, he cannot think high an' live low if he smokes more than wan seegar at a time or looks on th' red wine when it's at full thrigger. Onless,' he says,' he knows his own carrgo capacity. If,' he says, 'he injyes his food an' howls like a wolf iv th' forest when he's not be himself or settin' at th' feet iv his perfessor, he is mor'lly debased. I hates to see a 'Varsity man,' says Bobbie, 'lookin' like he injyed it. An',' he says, 'me dear friend Paryent an' Guarjeen supports me.' Consequentially, Hennessy, the wild stujent gets his hair cut, puts on a pink vest knit be lovin' social clubs whin he was travellin' in Yurrup hangin' th' Kaiser, an' jines th' byes, singin' rousin' hymns an' takin' sly side-peeps at Harrow's Notes on Poverty, just about closin' time, Jawn, so's they won't get too stunned to pay their war tax at th' Ixtravagander. Afther an excitin' hour on th' could streets, makin' faces through th' teashop windies an' sayin' hullo to th' polisman on pint dooty, he walks back to th' hostel, takin' wan sthep at a time. Th' matron says to him, 'How did ye injye yeerself, me poor lad?' An' he page 30 smoothes his bow an' wipes his horn-rimmed specs given him be th' College librarian, an' says, 'Oh, twee!' Thrillin' isn't it, Jawn? Shades iv me grand-uncle who was transported to Jazzmania for poisonin' th' Proctor's bulldog with th' Chancellor's cheroots! Ye'd think th' War Reggylations was still in foorce, Jawn, instid iv th' Welfare Leagues stirrin' up th' poppylace to a keener injyemint iv life! What wud me ould drinkin' companyuns, Percy Burbank an' Jimmy McDowdall an' Davie Squiff an' Prof. Pickwick, say if they only knew?"

"Is it th' softenin' infiooence iv th' wimmin stujents, d'ye think?" asked Mr. Hennessy cautiously.

"Now ye've said sompthin', Jawn," said Mr. Dooley. "P'raps it is; p'raps again it isn't. 'Tisn't. f'r me to say; but th' boot might consaveably be on th' other fut, now mightn't it? Umpteen years ago there was what th' Sixth Assistant Local Deppity Dillydally to th' Chief Bonehead iv th' Woollen Jumpers Departmint iv' War Offis, rayportin' in Parlymentary Paaper Z.23, praysinted be ordher iv both Houses, on th' subject iv th' absence iv th' new cadet at his grandmother's Rep. funyral at th' Athletic Parrk, called a 'rayprehinsible abstintion' iv wimmin fr'm Victoria College. They just didn't go, Jawn. Sometimes th' stujents' mothers wud come along an' go over th' top about th' price iv th' last libry table smashed be Johnny sittin' on it instid iv on the vollum iv th' Law Rayports pervided f'r th' purpose; or p'raps about Billy, who rayprisinted a soubrette in th' procession, not havin' his raymarkably lifelike performance mentioned in 'Truth.' But f'r purposes iv boney fido study, they was a complete lack iv millinry at th' University. Thin a bould young pupil-teacher, consumed with curiassity as to whether Prof. Mac. talked as sweet as he looked, broke through th' hin convintions an', her sorrowin' paryints cling-in' to her on their knees an' beggin' an' implorin' her wid tears streamin' from their ould eyes not to get to know more than their rayspicted grandmothers, she jined up with th' College. An' d'ye know, Jawn, she had to give it best on account iv th' press iv ad-mirin' min stujents hinderin' her fr'm gettin' to th' lechur-rooms. Then others follied her abandoned example until Jimmy Brooks had to stop smokin' in th' hajl because th' fumes iv Jockey Club an' Eau de Cloan put his pipe out. But so daymure were they all, Jawn, ye'd think it was Oliver Cromwell fresh fr'm th' cellybrations at Drogheda that was Chancellor an' not Rompin' Robbie. I well remember Hogan's wild girrul jinin'. Whin she'd been there a fraction she writ back that she was dispritly in love with pingpong! Ould Man Hogan swore like Vryn Evans directin' th' chorus; an' he smoked f'r th' Gin'ral Post Offish like Bill Massey f'r Payris, knockin' over mild Hindoos an' ice-cream caravans an' a sane Labour man explainin' away th' latest divilopmint. iv th' Rooshian sichuatiou; an' he even intruded upon th' sanctity iv a spoortin' crowd that had been waitin' outside that public utility, th' 'Avenin' Boast,' as me Zekkoslapokyan friend Guggenheimer iv Somes Island calls it, f'r two days an' nights f'r th' result iv th' Kelburn Cup. Whin he gets to th' Post Offish, Give him up.' he telegraphs, 'they don't no Chow marry into this here family.' She was a clever girrul, Jawn. She studied Digestic Ayconomy, Spikeology, Edification, B.A.s, an' Free Discussions, an' Law knows what, Jawn: it wud take young Leicester to say it all through without lookin' stunned. An' just whin Ould Man Hogan was thinkin' iv page 31 gettin' her a job in th' Dayfince Departmint, what does she do but take up a dancin' course in one iv th' Vryn Ixtrava ganders. Now she's runnin' a jazz school, New Zealand style, on th' Bowery New Yark, an' is engaged to be marrid to a broken-down school teacher be th' name iv Woodrow Wilson. An' Ould Man Hogan writes letters to th' paapers undher th' nonnentyplume iv 'Contribbited be th' Well-fed League,' blastin' up this higher ejucation what robbed him iv th' support iv his aisy years."

"Didn't th' Pope condimn jazz?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

"He never lamed to speak it," said Mr. Dooley; "not like C.Q. But if ye are rayferrin' to th' tango, then it might be said he all hut. Th' local branch iv th' Yellow Peril Association, Pride iv Garibaldi Lodge, wint to him an' said, 'Yeer Holiness—which is not to say we admit yeer right to the title, an' ye'd see it yeerself if ye'd only read some suitable literachoor such are Maria th' Monkey an' th' Black Profiteer an' Done to Death an' sich like—.' 'Yes, it is a tine day, says His Holiness. 'What kin I do to aise yeer minds?' 'Our minds is quite our own, an' thank ye,' says they. 'Ye must stop this tango, or we'll fasten th' next war on to ye!' 'Is it some kind iv rayfrishmint?' says His Holiness. 'Tis a deprayved divilopmint iv th' noble arrt iv tripsicord,' says th' Grand Master, 'an' 'tis distractin' th' minds iv people fr'm th' importance of pollytics 'Sthep it f'r me,' says th' Pope. An' they started to stliep it out like the twelfth of July, whin they recollicted their vineration f'r their principles an' sint f'r a couple iv harrd young freshers fr'm Victoria College instid. An' whin th' Pope had watched th' Salamanca fans f'r a spell, he looked tired an' said, 'Run away, me children. Ye take yeer pleasures too sadly.' Now, talkin' iv Victoria College………"

"Would ye," asked Mr. Hennessy, with some warmth, "incourage thim mad stujents to tango an' jazz an' do corroborees, instid iv fixin' their minds upon their readin' an' spellin' an' keepin' blots off their copy-books?"

"Jawn," said Mr. Dooley, with solemn emphasis, "I would incourage annythin' that, wud keep their minds off their mouths whin I rise to me feet to 'vomit up me void iv windy wurruds,' as me friend Eich. wud put it, at their Foolscapping Festivals. If they only danced before me, I'd be able to stand it; an' mebbe I'd cut me cackle short to watch 'em, knowin' that th' noble sintimints I'd given utterance to wud not be" totally lost to me felly-men…….But I dunno, Jawn: I haven't been asked to speak yet."

P. J. S.