page 24

Matrimonial.

Time passes, and many friends have impressed on me the necessity for taking unto myself a wife. They point to the bleak disorder of my bachelor apartments when compared with their warm firesides. They urge upon me my duty to the State—a duty which, in this case, I fail to apprehend. They mutter vague unpleasantries about selfish celibates, and, worst of all, about taxes on bachelors. So at last. I have decided to overcome my natural timidity and to explain to my future bride, whoever she may be, my viewpoint of our wedded life. Of course she may be a widow, or at present some other fellow's bride, and may have preconceived ideas on the subject. If so, and she will be kind enough to leave a note in the letter-rack, I do not doubt we can see eye to eye on the matter.

I am tall and fairly good-looking, with a very high opinion of myself. I answer to the Christian name of Albert, or, more familiarly, of Bertie. My income is nearly sufficient for my expenditure, and with an effort I might, absolve her from all liability for keeping me. My family is neither "remarkably poor nor conspicuously honest." I have spasmodic enthusiasms for literature, art, and music, which she must be willing to share. Let her not be enthusiastic about them at other times, or she will be unto me as a poseur, a litterateur, a persifleur, and a dilletante. I have equally volcanic likings for tennis, golf, climbing, swimming, and poker, in which:.he must participate and risk the attractions I shall tell her of a little lower down. I smoke and drink and gamble a little, and. provided she does not try to reform me, shall probably manage not to go to extremes. My friends are not a bad lot on the whole; but space prevents my telling before that first meeting (which from now on shall be, of course, my only thought) how P. M. S. is all right, when you know him, but a trifle—, and how C. Q. P. is a ——, and rather —, but a good chap withal.

And She? She must be beautiful, as the stars of the morning when we sip our matutinal coffee, and as Mother Eve when we take an after-dinner stroll; and I will go to balls and theatres and feel the envy of all beholders. She must be good by instinct, so that I may follow undoubtingly her opinions of right and wrong; but nevertheless she must have some smack of the devil, for that is what appeals to one in woman. She must be able to "mother" me, to look after my socks and collar-studs, and. above all, to cook me fastidious meals. She must be able to see. what most other people never see, my jokes. She must be able to endure and to understand a "grouch." Above all, she must be witty, interesting, intelligent, her words neither too deep nor too shallow, her manner neither too affected nor too dull, her thoughts neither too fanciful nor too heavy. And when I find all these in one single woman, my heart shall follow my head and fall violently in love; but until then, here's to celibacy and a little peace and quietness.

—Dicton.

page break