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The Spike: or, Victoria College Review Capping Carnival 1921

Act I. — Back To Nature

page 7

Act I.

Back To Nature.

Scene:— A popular watering place on Crusoe Island. Not more gulls than usual. Highly tropical but not too hight [sic]. The lives of the actors are not endangered as there are no coconuts. The screaming of a paroquet, with a magnificent plumage of green and gold, is thought to be heard about ten minutes before the curtain rises, but in this oasis of beauty it is a mirage. The sea in the background is seen but not heard. The audience will recognise a promenade with its men and women from society's sitting-rooms. As he play begins on Saturday, there is no Friday on the Island.

Cast of Characters.

Mack Sennett (a photographer) A.C. Mazengarb

"Give me comedy. Since Shakespeare's day more than a thousand actors have played Hamlet. No wonder he is crazy "—H. L Mencken:

Joliffe (a sensible censor) W. Pringle

"A censor incensed is in no sense essential." —Havelock Ellis.

Bernard Shaw (a creation of Shakespeare's) L.R. Riddell

"A young man does not need a university education to be an ass nowadays." —C. Q. Pope.

Ro-Binson Cru-So (the bridegroom to be) C. Gamble

"Robinson Crusoe, the millionaire.
He wouldn't have wine or wife.
He couldn't endure complexity:
He lived the simple life.

W. W. Jacobs (an alcoholic medium) R. A. Tonkin

"Eliza Smith always hated me
Because I told better lies than he did
And so he trapped me and tickled me to
death with a hay-rick."
—Spoon Fed Anthology,

Miss Faber-Smith (a seminary sempstress) Miss F. Cameron

"A very multiplicity of clipped negations." —The unpublished works of Charles Wilson.

Algernon Charles Swinburne (a poet) B Egley

"His soul was conscious of "something missing"
Which neither clothes could give, nor kissing."
—I. L. G. Sutherland.

Mrs Sticket (a social event) Miss M. Willcocks

"She walks, the lady of my delight
A shepherdess of sheep".
—Alice Meynell.

Lulu Sticket (her daughter, a victim of blood) Miss Nancy Wilson

"In times like these, unchaperoned of skinny ma,
Our finished daughters seek the darkling kinema."
—Gilbert Frankau

Constable O'Flynn (her drunken father) P. J. Smith

"A little boy bound up in blue.
Who's fond, as they all are, of snoozing,
In fact—just between me and you—
He's not above quietly boozing."

"Songs I have seen in the Spike."

page 8

1. Opening Chorus.

Far away across the sea
There's a university;
There they work incessantly.
Once a year on capping day,
Duly all respects they pay
To those who are of high degree.

Chorus.
Degrees, the cause of all their nightly toiling,
"Degrees, the cause of all complexions spoiling;
All their striving,
All their diving,
Into mouldy lectures;
Caused by men
Who now and then
Have hopes to hold prefectures.

Degrees, a tale of lecturers and Profs., too,
Whose ears hold fleas!
Tally ho!
Here we go
On the yearly chase
For B.A.'s
Each one prays,
While we make the pace.
Swotting hard
(Swearing barred),
Each to keep his place—
That's how it feels to want degrees.

2. "Take Your Girlie to the Movies."

Now-a-days a courtship's just a simple thing,
Everything is straight and plain;
There's no sonnet writing, and you needn't sing
Underneath her window pane.

Just take your girlie to the movies,
To a five-reel flick.
She's no Theda Bara, but if you go home,
Just imagine she is all that's Louise Glaum

Take your girlie to the movies,
Where the love stuff is piled thick,
Then as sure as I'm Sennett you'll
think she's Enid Bennett;
So take your girlie to the movies

Though she may not always look as sweet as Blanche,
Try hard to be true;
You don't wish to crush her in an avalanche,
Of mail or males, do you?

Just take your girlie to the movies,
There'll be all you wish,
Though you may not have as many suits as Ray,
You'll out-handicap him on your whole week's pay;

If her face has just slipped sideways,
Think she's Dolly Gish,
And if she hears from us think that
She's Oliver Thomas
When with your girlie at the movies.

Though your name may not be that of friend Tom Mix,
And your pulse is rather slow,
When you want a place where everything you'll fix,
I'll tell you where to go.

Take your girlie to the movies,
Try think you're Wally Reid;
Though yon may not feel as fit as big Bill Hart,
You'll not have much trouble once
you're got a start.

So take your girlie to the movies,
And once you work up speed.
You'll soon work a slinter on your Mary Miles Minter,
If you take your girlie to the movies

3. Duet,

Robinson:
Oh, dear, Mrs. Stickct, won't you let me know,
(Hey. but I'm doleful, willow, willow wally!)
Has our darling Lulu not yet found a beau?

page 9

Hey, Willow-waly-O!
Life is dull and dreary;
Of the chase I'm weary,
Hey willow waly O!

Mrs. Sticket:
Robinson I grieve to say that this is so,
(Hey, but I'm doleful, willow, willow, waly!)
But our darling Lulu has not yet a beau,
Hey, willow-waly O!
But I'll soon discover
For her a nice lover,
Hey, willow-waly-O!

Robinson:
Be not over sure, for there's a dearth of men
(Hey; but its tiresome, willow, willow, waly.)
If our darling Loo should be a spinster, then
Hey, willow-waly-O!
Great would be our grieving;
Were she past retrieving,
Hey, willow, waly O!

Mrs. Sticket:
Now, my own dear Rob., you are a gentlemun,
Hey, but I'm certain, willow, willow waly;
Though they may be scarce, our Loo Must marry one.
Hey, wiHow-waly-O!
'Way with all this sadness,
There'll be cause for gladness.
Hey, willow-waly-O!

4. Solo, Lulu.

When I was quite young I was carefully trained
In all I should know, and I meekly refrained
From all that I knew that I shouldn't have known,
I supped and I snubbed with the greatest of grace,
And never had powdered my face,
And in Fact I bad what is called tone.

For according to Snobson Street
You must never sit down on your feet,
And if everything fails
You may ride near the rails,
For Snobson Street girls aren't as slow as the snails.

If you Foxtrot and onestep quite well,
And your voice isn't like a cracked bell
(Now isn't it funny),
If you have some money
They like you and vow you are sweet. (Chorus Repeat.)

Now when Poppa was near we had simply no chance,
For Poppa objected to every dance,
And you must give a dance that is done every year.
For if you don't you are done for, I fear,
And you might as well die right away,
As be out of the running for aye.

And according to Snobson Street,
That's as bad as to scoff when you eat,
And the tales that are told,
Of the girls who are bold,
Now they sit on damp doorsteps and often catch cold.
That is sinful and shameful as well, And deserves a through passage to— (crash.)
Still its no use pretending—
A miserable ending
Awaits all who're not in the street.

5. Trio.

Constable O'Flynn:
When a lawyer's not engaged in his divorce suits,
His divorce suite,
Or summonsing his fellows by the score, By the score,
He's continually abusing us as low brutes,
Us as low brutes;
That's the name that people call us when they're sore,
When they're sore.
At times we feel we must arrest our brother,
'Rest our brother;

page 10

I realise that very a pun, Like a pun;
But take one consideration with another,
With another,
A policeman's lot is not a happy one
When you've had a bally bust-up with your brother.
A policeman's lot is not a happy one.

A. C. Swinburne:
When a poet has Forgotten all his metres,
All his metres,
He will surely get entangled with his feet,
With his feet;
He knows he can be got at by repeaters,
By repeaters,
So he chokes himself with words I won't repeat,
Won't repeat.
It's ten to two he hasn't had a mother, Had a mother,
With hair that ripples silver in the sun,
In the sun;
So take one consideration with another, With another,
A poet's lot is a happy one,
Considering he's never had a mother.
A poet's lot is not a happy one.

Joliffe:
When a censor not incensed in all his senses,
All his senses,
Or slaughtering the movies good and bad,
Good and bad,
He can hardly earn enough to pay expenses,
Pay expenses,

Unless he retails stories, yes By Gad, Yes, By Gad,
His passionate emotions he must smother,
For the things he sees, they really take the bun.
Take the bun;
Ah, take one consideration with another,
With another,
A censor's lot is not a happy one,
His perfect pent'up passions he must smother.
A censor's lot is not a happy one.

6. Final Chorus:

Degrees, the cause of all their nightly toiling,
Degrees, the cause of all complexions spoiling;
All their striving,
All their diving,
Into mouldy lectures;
Caused by men
Who now and then
Have hopes to hold prefectures

Degrees, a tale of lecturers and Profs., too,
Whose ears hold fleas!
Tally ho!
Here we go
On the yearly chase
For B.A.'s
Each one prays,
While we make the pace,
Swotting hard,
(Swearing barred),
Each to keep his place—
That's how it feels to want degrees.