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The Spike: or, Victoria College Review Capping Carnival 1920

Act II

Act II.

Opening Chorus

In the Village of fair Frankarua
All uninterrupted life's dream
Drifts lazily by,
Till elections draw nigh—
Then we dance, sing and feed on ice-cream.

Chorus
Then each candidate will state his views,
Blow hot air and falsify our news;
Each pot calls each kettle black,
Each proves his opponent slack;
We, of course, uphold the farmer's cause—
He's the man to regulate the laws,
For he's the country's primest need:
He supplies the feed.

Though to-day the electors are fewer,
The excitement is really intense,
For the War's Party Fed.
Will be split (so 'tis said),
And it seems a bit over the fence.

Chorus (as before): So once more we farmers must unite,
For the country (and our interests) fight;
Down the opposing candidate,

page 21

Be-All Massive reinstate;
He will keep the country in its groove
Await we now with dance and song
(So our patriotism we shall prove);
Th' election coming on

Finale

Dykes:
Solo (Ludwig) and Chorus, No. 22.
A truce to all this yelling
That down the breeze is swelling;
It really is repelling,
And on my nerves it's telling.

Chorus:
All silent be.

Dykes:
Solo (Herald) and Chorus, No. 23.
Come, gather round the rostrum,
All ceremonial scorning,
And choose who will become,
On this beautiful morning

Your member from these thrum,
Who stand the scene adorning;
We have to hit on one
On this beautiful morning.

Chorus:
Repeats as in score.

Dykes:
Your pandemonium stow,
More businesslike we must be.
The candidates also
Are looking rather crusty;
Then let's move on, although
The singing's not so dusty—
Yet it's hardly "comme il faut"—
More businesslike we must be.

Dykes:
Air-Recit. (Ludwig), No. 24.,
Come then to the polling. You know the nominees,
You must elect the man you think the swell one.
I count the polls and scan the physiognomies—
And first of those with sympathies Cromwellian.

Clerk:
Let them stand forth.
Who try to be superior with sympathies Cromwellian—
Now, who votes for Job Gone Frand,
page 22 And who polls for Bill?

Dykes:
Air: "The Prince of Monte Carlo"
I think it's plain to us all
That Massive's the victor of this fray;
Three hearty cheers I call
For Be All. Hip

Chorus:
Hip-ray! Hip-ray! Hip-ray!
Fraud's off his pedestal;
We hope he takes the warning,
And Cromwell's looking quite small
On this beautiful morning.

Plain as Plain Can be.

"Air: Got em on the List"

—Mikado

When a little Ulster laddie I departed for this shore,
I vowed I'd ever be as plain as I could be;
I settled as a hayseed, and it wasn't long before
The neighbours said to me: "You're plain as plain can be."
And I've many times reflected, as I drove the placid cow,
Or filled some poet's musing homeward plodding from the plough.
That that was why they chose me for the Road Board, and I polled,
For I was very commonplace, but I did as I was told;
And I never thought or studied, 'cause with brains I disagree;
You get on best without 'em—be as plain as plain can be.

One day, as on a haystack I was gazing at the blue,
They came and spoke to me: "Now as plain as plain can be,
"If you always vote for farmers there's a vacant seat for you.
"Get us the 'L.s.d.'—it's plain as plain can be."
Now, my ideas were passee and I wasn't classy, so
I got known as plain Bill Massey, and they showed me where to go.
And I became Prime Minister, Right Honourable P.C.,
While a famous University made me an LL.D.;
And if you have ambitions for the top perch on the tree.
You try and be like me—as plain as plain can be.

page 23

Quarrel Duet

J.G.:
While war reigned chaotically
Be-All and I
Quite patriotically
Let parties die.

B.A.:
Then to the Motherland
We sailed away;
Left Allen in command,
Red Feds, to keep at bay.

J.G.:
Kaiser's invincibles
Conquered have we;
On other principles
We can't agree.

B.A.:
Problems most intricate
Still we must solve;
Let us not vacillate
Nor party strife involve.

J.G.:
You're a dawdler, Be-All Massive,
Your reforms are all too slow,
While the people starve you're passive—
What you need is Liberal "go."
I should nationalise the coal mines,
Have State flour mills, boats and banks,
Build cheap workers' homes in whole lines,
Legislate to suit all ranks.

B.A.:
Job Gone, you've foolishly
Spoilt the whole plan;
Since you've mulishly
Split up the clan,
This opportunity
Labour will seize,
Then the community
How shall we squeeze?

J.G.:
People implicitly
Trust Liberals' cause
(We won't illicitly
Gloss profit laws).
When the returns come in
We'll top the poll;
Squarely we'll try to win
Justice for the whole.

B.A.:
J.G., you're a bally turncoat;
Interests you have sought all through,
page 24 Or to run a kitchen tea.
But the culminating blow,
Anna Stout's idea, you know,
Was Stat. 14, Maud c.3.
Which enacted that each person.
Whether dotard, nursed, or nursin',
Be enrolled M. P. apace.
And it let the mere males come.
So that we could see them home.
Thus we've put them in their place.
So come, won't you come to Parliament?
For it costs you not a cent;
Come and teach them why you're sent,
With your powder-puff and scent.
To Parliament.