The Advent of the Dook

Being the lament of the Hon. Simon Snooks, a colonial "personage" and a Justice of the Peace, but nevertheless an honest man. Herein are clearly defined the three most important stages of man.

"Innocence, alias Hard Graft."
Wot makes the people look so keen a-gatherin' in the street?
An' w'y is all their pinnies clean and the shoes upon their feet?
I thought as them Contingents we was sendin' off so fast
Was over an' forgotten like the voices of the past.
But as I comes to 'ear the noos, w'y, wot is this I see?
A harch of children and a harch of mutton on the Quay.
O the Dook! O the Dook! O the Duchess an' the Dook!
Now, w'y 'ave they come 'ere to-day with all their bloomin' suite?
I thought us democratic from the 'ead down to the feet,
An' now the town is upside down an' work is all forsook,
For a Dook,
I thought as we were democrats, but I was Quite mistook.

"Noise, alias Patriotism."
Wot is this sentiment I feel a-takin' 'old o' me?
I cannot eat a decent meal or drink a cup o' tea.
The good old days 'as gone away; I feel dumstundered quite,
An' I long to be a-movin, in the Royal Party's sight.
See 'em walking in their feathers for 'Is 'Ighness to deceive!
O' course we're gentry every time—that's wot 'e will believe.
I long to build a harch on 'igh emblazoned with my name:
An' then 'E'll arst me 'ow I do, an' then—if That ain't fame!
O the Dook! O the Dook! O the Duchess an' the Dook!
We might ha' bin a noosboy or we might ha' bin a lag,
We came out 'ere a tinsmith, but now we're carpet-bag.
I'll build a harch o' potted meat an' then E'll be quite took,
Will the Dook!
We thought as we were democrats. We Must ha' bin mistook.

"Enlightment."
Now wot's the matter with the world It ain't as it should be.
I see 'Is 'Ighness' lip is curled, an' 'e passes you an' me
As though we was a stranger. That's a most uncommon thing,
A-seein' as we're both as good as Jones an' 'Arry King.
I never used to 'awk them trinkets as the wimmin wore.
I never cheated laborin' folk. I kep' an honest store.
It's all them spiteful Joneses, them as used to fleece the blacks,
Tellin' 'Is Lady an' the Dook as we ain't up to scratch.
O' course 'E can't say yea or nay: 'E's got 'Is dignity;
An' that's the very reason w"y 'e's snubbin' you an' mo.
O the Dook! O the Dook! O the Duchess and the [unclear: Dok!]
We thought as we were democrats. We Must ha' bin mistook.
W'en the people go so crazy on the visit of a Dook!
Himperial Dook!
W'en the country's topsy-turvy an' the work is all forsook,
My hook;
We thought as we were gentry, but we're mighty well mistook,
For 'E seems to 'ave our pedigrees all written ina book.

page 42

By this time all the minor sports had been left behind, and all that were left to do battle with the rabbit were Richard Rex and the Dook. With Indian-like cunning and noiseless glide did the twain stalk around the jungle with the hope of taking the beast in the act of worrying the Royal dog, when, lo!—a rift in the clouds disclosed their prey indulging in his last kick, and the faithful cur curiously watching events.

"Now," said Dick, "are we indeed undid, for will not our prowess be doubted as sports, even as the dog has outwitted us and killed him first? Yet will we not be outdone. Take you the rabbit and place it on yonder bush, what time I insert a few pellets into his carcase, and none may know that we did not shoot him in fair fight."

"Nay," replied George, "an' you blaze away at such close range there will be no pieces of sufficient largeness to take home as evidence of our valour. Prithee, stand at least live yards away; and, now that we have reflected some, 'twere well to place him with his head towards us, that it may appear we shot him in the act of attacking us—what think ye? "

"Aye," replied Dick, "I thinkest let it be even as thou hast spoken."

These secret performances being over, the two searched around for the highly susceptible Wilford, for the purpose of slating over the venture—most shooting and fishing enthusers skite over their experiences. (We never do; although we say it as shouldn't, we once took first prize at a pigeon-shooting competition, but we were observed, and had to put it back after a slight controversy with the constable; and, as for fishing, we always got the biggest catch in the country-side—jacksharps and sticklebacks—and even in later years we have caught sardines and things, and just a while ago we caught a snag. This, of course, is by the way, but we only mention it to show that we never skite about our doings).

We might relate a little instance which here befel, showing the remarkable forethought possessed by our only Digger. Everybody knows the Tai Tai bull and his ferocity. Dick learnt it in an unexpected and feeling manner. In crawling through the barbed-wire fence which surrounds the paddock in which the bull is kept, Dick was somewhat too leisurely in his actions, and the bull arrived just in time to lift him through willy-nilly. Here Dick showed his keen wit and generalship. Passing along to another paddock, in which was a calf, he proceeded to belabour the animal merrily, and finished by saying: "Now, go and tell thy father." We consider this to be a rather smart way of giving a Roland Boot for his Oliver Wendell Holmes, so to speak, if that is the correct saying. Many other strange things took place during this trip, more marvellous and humorously interesting than any of the foregoing, but Dick particularly requested us not to use them for publication; but, as a guarantee of good faith, we intend to publish further doings during the visit, but the necessity of giving a thoroughly veracious statement only prevents us from publishing many of the garbled accounts which are continually acknowledged by the faculty and recommended by the Press.

It has only just been made public that the Duke's visit to New Zealand would have been abandoned had not the Premier promised to abstain from singing "The Wearing of the Green." He did so on the understanding that he would be at liberty to carol "Lest We Forget—our promises."