Which is the Fool?

Soon after the publication of an address on temperance, a gentleman, in the locality, procured a copy and sat down in the family to read it. He read it to himself without saying a word till he had finished it, when he exclaimed, "This man is a fool, or I am." He then commenced reading it again, and read it through in the same manner; and when he got through, exclaimed again, "This man is a fool, or I am." He then read it through the third time in the same way, and when he had finished the last sentence, exclaimed, "I am the fool!" and never drank a drop of intoxicating liquor afterwards.

page break page 23

Mr. H. M. Stanlfy on Drinking and Travelling.—Mr. J. P. Briscoe, F.R.H.S., the chief librarian at the Nottingham Free Library, received the following letter from the discoverer of Livingstone, which will be read with great interest:—"Dear Mr. Briscoe—You ask me if I am of the same opinion as Dr. Livingstone on the use of spirituous liquors by travellers. I answer that if a man is unaccustomed to the use of liquors at home, he is very certain not to need them in Central Africa. That if a man is accustomed to drink spirits at home, he is very certain to need them in Africa to sustain him through privation, and that he is therefore totally unlit for hard work and continued fatigue, and had better stop at home. That no drunkard can live in Africa. The fever discovers his weak point, attacks him, and kills him. I knew nothing much of this terrible recurring malady previous to my African experiences; but I had good cause, before I ended my mission, to know that a drunkard is least able to withstand a tropical and malarious climate.—Thnnking you for your kind remarks, I remain, yours very truly, Henry M. Stanley."

page 24

The First Glass.—Dr. Patton met a fast youth on ship board who said gaily, "I care for nothing but the first glass; but when the first glass gets down it feels so lonely that I send down a second to keep it company, when they begin quarrelling with each other, and I send down a third to put things right, when they turn and ask the new comer what he has to do with their family matters; then goes down a fourth and fifth, and they all enter into a base conspiracy to make me right down drunk." The way of complete safety is so plain, that he who never lets the first drop "get down "will never be drunk; but letting the first glass down ruins above one-fifth of the boys.

Lost or Found.—A man once set out with a cart and two horses for a certain place. Before he arrived at the end of his journey he got drunk and lay down by the side of his team and slept. Meantime some wags unhitched his horses, and they left. On awaking and seeing nothing but his cart, he said, "Who am I? If I am John Smith I have lost a pair of horses; if not, I have found a cart."

page 25

Unsatisfactory.—A Darwinian philosopher was brought before a justice in Boston, on a charge of drunkenness. In defence, he said: "Your honour, I am a Darwinian, and I have, I think, discovered the origin of my unfortunate tendency. One of my remotest grandfathers was an anthropoid of a curious turn of mind. One morning, about 4,391,632 B.C., he was looking over his store of cocoanuts, when he picked up one for his breakfast, in which the milk had fermented. He drank the liquor, and got gloriously drunk, and ever after he always kept his cocoanuts until fermentation took place. Judge, then, whether a tendency handed down through innumerable ancestors should not be taken in my defence." Casting a sarcastic look at the prisoner, the justice said: "I am sorry that the peculiar arrangement of the atoms of star dust resulted in giving me a disposition to sentence you to pay three dollars and Costs."