Coming Out

Lesbianism and homosexuality are two of the taboo issue of our society. Many New Zealanders view lesbianism and homosexuality as bedroom issues, to be kept between the participants and otherwise, not to be discussed. But an increasing number of New Zealanders are 'coming out' and recognising that their sexual preferences, against all the rules of society, are in fact with their own sex. In the following article, a 19-year old lesbian students explains her experiences as a lesbian and how she has coped with this.

"I am a lesbian. However, it is only in the last few months that I have been prepared to openly admit this to myself and to others. This recognition was only achieved through a painful process (most of which resulted from society's heterosexual bias) of self-examination. The Lesbain movement terms the realisation of a lesbian identity (and the committment of an open lesbian lifestyle) as 'coming out.'

"Lesbianism means many things to different people, but for me the best (and most inclusive) definition is that of being "a woman whose primary erotic, psychological, emotional and social interest is in members of her own sex, even though that interest may not be overtly expressed." Lesbianism is not just "women sleeping with women" (it goes far beyond this) and it's about time straight people recognised this fallacy.

"I have always been more attuned to women both emotionally and physically. Having realised and accepted this I, at last, feel very secure in my Lesbian identity. However the 'coming out' itself was frightening and hurtful. I had been in the feminist movement for a couple of years and invariably I came into contact with women who were 'out-front' lesbians. Their support and encouragement finally convinced me that the only solution to my 'schizophrenic lifestyle' — involving heterosexual pretense, lies, fears of being found out etc — was to stop the denial of my sexual orientation.

"Telling people brought mixed reactions. My mother was seemingly sympathetic. She said she was happy for me but warned me not to be rash because I might [unclear: me] guy and settle down. My [unclear: father] cope at all. He told me to 'get [unclear: out'] 'no daughter of his was [unclear: going] queer!' Although both reacted [unclear: of] in tenor and approach, both [unclear: we] unable to accept my lesbianism.

"My flatmates were genuinely [unclear: su] and accepting of me but a [unclear: close] just stopped all [unclear: communication] 'Why do you have to be like [unclear: that?] she hadn't come to terms [unclear: with] sexuality and therefore couldn't [unclear: has] presence in her life. Nonetheless [unclear: le] ion was very upsetting and I [unclear: lock] in my room and cried for [unclear: hours] think I was so upset at her not [unclear: being] come to terms with my [unclear: lesbian] rather because she could so [unclear: easily] existence and just write me off.

"Many straight people see [unclear: les] only in terms of 'sexual [unclear: zombi] spend their whole time [unclear: sleepin] women, who walk around [unclear: thinki tantly] about the idea. But, [unclear: believe] we eat, sleep, have careers etc [unclear: just]page 3[unclear: esbianism] is not just an immature [unclear: stage]. It is instead an alternative just [unclear: bacy], asexuality or heterosexuality.'

[unclear: so] get annoyed with people who say mosexuality is a bedroom issue and where it should stay. This implies [unclear: bianism] is only a sexual issue and as will be tolerated if hidden from the the heterosexual public. It is strange [unclear: ive] these straight liberals can be. [unclear: on't] apply the same criteria to [unclear: hete-ality]. Why? Because heterosexual [unclear: our] permeates our everyday lives [unclear: h] magazines, literature, laws, social [unclear: and] public shows of heterosexuality [unclear: ples] embracing and kissing, marriage marriage photographs etc. Just like [unclear: sexuality], homosexuality is a whole [unclear: living] and relating to others. No-one [unclear: cosiders] that public displays of [unclear: sexuality] could be 'flaunting' and [unclear: ve] to gays.

[unclear: ciety's] consistent denunciation and of lesbian existence has resulted in closet lesbians'. The kind of harrasshat lesbians face eg. queer remarks, gay jokes, loss of jobs, rebuffs, refusals to allow verbal and physical expressions of lesbianism, dissuades many women from coming out and openly stating that they are lesbians. They would rather suffer the pain and confusion of being social schizophrenics and living out the heterosexual pretense. The effect of denying [unclear: oneself] in this way is to live a half-life, in constant dread of being 'found out'. Some women give way under this pressure and resort to alcohol, suicide of slowly go insane. But for many women the persecution thats expected by 'coming out' seems greater that the self-persecution they undergo in self-denial of their lesbian identity.

"Even in the University environment my lover and I still feel very wary of hugging and holding hands in the Cafe or dancing together at hops, because of past experiences when we have been hassled and had remarks thrown at us.

"I have become involved in the political and welfare areas of the lesbian movement. I have joined the local political group and a Lesbian Consciousness Raising Group. I also helped in setting up a gay line in our town and a Gay Welfare Group at university.

"The function of the group is to provide support, encouragement and friendship to other gays. The political objective of the Lesbian movement is the eradication of the present patriarchal society and the formation of a new society which is non-patriarchal and pro-lesbian (that does not mean anti-heterosexual) so that women are equal participators in every aspect of society. In the present society lesbians are doubly oppressed; first as women by sexism and secondly as lesbians by heterosexism.

"By working at a political level it has increased my awareness of the issues facing lesbians and helped validate my lifestyle. Whatever pressures one has to contend with in being open about one's lesbianism, the greatest pressure and self-destroyer of all is the denial of one's own sexuality. Self love, self acceptance and self respect are paramount if one is to live fully as a human being. A final word to the heterosexuals — I don't deny your sexual identity so why do you deny mine?"