Salient Notes

As Grant Gillatt wove his weary way up the path through the cemetery one tired Thursday evening, he came upon a seedy figure lying on a gravestone. It was dressed in a filthy trench coat, and in its right hand was clutched a bourbon bottle. It was, needless to say, both empty and Fergus Barrowman.

"Evening Fergie" said Grant pleasantly. "Arrr......" responded the Barrowwight, "someone's stole (hic) stolen the moon." "That's nice" said our hero thinking that it was high time Fergie's friends had him committed and got it over with. However he was soon forced to reconsider his opinion, for further up the hill he came upon Lorraine and Jessica Wilson, each clutching a leg of Geoff Adams' jeans. They were arguing about their ancestry, equally anxious to prove that they had nothing in common but their names (and of course Geoff's jeans).

Geoff who was actually inside his jeans, was lying on the ground outside the Union building, engaged in a wrist-wrestling match with Andrew Beach. They were being observed by a curiously clean Craig Hill, who was heard to mutter, in a fit of jealousy, "I think, it's just an excuse for them to hold hands."

"And I thought Fergus was crazy" murdered Grant to himself, hurrying into the reassuring fog of the Salient office. Upon entering he was surprised to find Virginia Adams, Sonia Millet and Tori Quade dancing around the light table holding hands. They were dressed in black, with tall pointed hats, and Grant now noticed that there were three broomsticks parked under the coat rack. "We are the pixies brave and strong" they sang gaily. Grant recoiled in horror as he realised that he had interrupted a meeting of the notorious 'Dethleft' coven.

It was at this moment that he was accosted by Andrew Ross, who explained that he was acting as a bookie in the sweepstake. "What sweepstake?" enquired our bright boy of Stephen A'Court, who was feverishly working out the odds with a dead calculator, and took no notice. Rire Scotney looked pityingly al Grant and counted a large stack of monopoly money, making an entry in a small black notebook alter consultation with Andrew McCallum and a small green frog who she addressed rather familiarly as 'Kathryne'.

"We're trying to see how long it'll take him to do it" explained Mark Wilson, leaving Grant more confused than ever. Finally he trapped Barry Weeber in a corner and pulled a loaded finger on him. "Now tell me what's going on" he grunted through his teeth in his best B-Grade movie voice. "I'll talk," squeaked Barry, "only don't shoot. What we're doing is betting on how long will it take Peter Beach to lay out the whole newspaper by himself. It's the night of the eclipse, you see, and we can't be bothered helping him. He has to do it, it's editorial responsibility." and he fell silent, not even blushing. "You can't do that to the poor sod," protested Grant, "it'll kill him!" Barry nodded. "Very likely," he agreed, "but it doesn't matter, we have the technology, we can rebuild him."

And it appears that he was right, because Salient was edited by an android answering to the name of Peter Beach, published by an exact replica of VUWSA and printed by your Big Brother and ours, Wanganui Newspapers Ltd, Drews Ave Wanganui.