The Guilty Always Write Letters

You, along with my millions of other followers, have undoubtedly noticed the last edition of your rag in which two letters regarding my notice of proposals were published. I find both these letters distasteful in the extreme. One has obviously been, written by a certified mental defective, and in it a refusal of my proposal is indicated.

The second communication was written by the cute, charming, vivacious, large, bovine, and rather overwhelming Cathy Marshall (possibly better known as CAM). Cathy, it appears, has accepted my proposal—but only for two reasons which she sums up with the phrase "It's his baby too"! It is to Cathy's letter, and in particular the above extract, to which I address myself this week.

Although I am grateful at Cathy finally explaining her penchant for tent dresses, let me make it quite clear that I am not now and never have been involved in Cathy's Little Bundle of Joy. Cathy darling, you can go off and do what it appears you have already done to some considerable degree The damn thing is not [unclear: tuuie] and I refuse to take responsibility for your non-existent morals.

Furthermore, the current economic situation precludes my adding further to my already overlarge string of debts, so I am afraid the ritual Exchange of Camels is off.

With regard to your little problem may I suggest you have a word with one of the Littens, or better still the crew of the aircraft carrier HMAS Melbourne. If you cannot bring yourself to do this then let me warn you that lots of hot baths, jumping up-and-down, or deep breathing will not do the slightest iota of good..