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A Day in the Life

by Alan Phillips

You see, it was a hot day and I had nothing to do. I was just sitting there ... I guess. Anyway, I thought, suddenly like, why not write an article for Salient. After all, I thought, they always want articles from average students 'cause that's what the paper's for. Well, anyway, I got to thinking a bit, and before long I said to myself that they got plenty of good articles anyway, from good average students. I mean (I'm still talking to myself you see) that's why so many average students read it. It's a good average paper, written by good average students, for good average students.

Well, a while sort of passed (you know how it does) and then I thought again. If, I said, if that's so, then how come so many copies of the thing sit in the corridors untouched and blow round the place, like all the rubbish does. What I think I was getting at was that with about 6000 students, how come there's so many copies left all the time? I mean, there must be a heck of a lot of average students around want to read it. It just seemed to me that all the average students would want to read it, 'cause it got all that topical stuff in it. (Leastwise, I suppose it has. I only really look at it, 'cause I'm not really what you could call average, and all that stuff about Israel is sort of above me).

I wandered on a bit — my thinking never was too straight, but I usually get where I'm heading for in the end — and after a little bit, I thought that maybe there were a lot of people like me around I'm a bit thick sometimes. I mean, I'm a nice guy and everybody likes me, but I can be a bit thick — sort of moron-like. Well, anyway, I thinks to myself, maybe there are quite a few thick morons like me around who don't see how important it is to care about all these wonderful things like they have in Salient. That would explain why not so many people read Salient as I thought would, like. I mean, maybe Vic. just has a large number of morons, and not so many average jokers. I mean, I don't see nothing wrong with being a moron, and maybe that's just the way it is.

Leastwise, it took quite a while to think this all out. Like I said, I always get where I'm going, but sometimes it takes a while. Anyway, it was getting on, so I thought I'd have some dinner. I started cooking it and I had to wait for the veges to cook, so I had some time to do some more thinking. Well, I'd just been getting ready for tea, so suddenly I think: what does the average student eat? That probably sounds pretty stupid to you, but I sort of felt like Newton when he wondered why the apple fell off that tree way back. I mean, everybody just accepted it, but he stopped and he did something about it. I've always admired him. Anyway, you see, nobody had actually stopped to say what an average student was so I felt pretty brilliant already. So I started with what he would eat. Not Newton, but the average student. Well I didn't have the foggiest what he would eat, but after a time I got to wondering if he would bother eating really. That probably sounds pretty stupid too, but I thought it was alright. If you look at Salient, the average student spends all his time thinking noble thoughts and righting society. Well, it seemed to me that a person like that wouldn't bother eating.

Well, to cut a story short, I finally decided that he would eat something, but it would be pretty boring, whatever it was, so it wouldn't distract him.

After dinner, I just sits down and watches telly. I do that most nights. Anyway, this night it was a boring program, I can't remember what it was, so after a bit, I got to thinking again. I decided to make a full life study of the average student and then write a book about it and become famous, like. Well, I had to start somewhere, so after another bit, I got to wondering if the average student watched telly. I decided only morons would do that 'cause the programs are so bad. Then I thinks to myself, quietly like, and begins to think if they went to films, cause they're much the same thing, you see. Well, I was pretty sure I'd seen some students at the flicks, but I couldn't be sure they was average. (It was important, you see, 'cause my book was about average students.) It took me quite a while to get oyer that problem, but I finally decided they probably was. I mean, if you see a student, he's quite likely to be average really. Anyway I thought they must watch telly to see the news so they can know all about the topical stuff.

After a while, I thinks newspapers. Only they could have read the stuff there you see. Well at this stage I decided to stop guessing. So I went to get a copy of Salient to see how the average student does think. Well, I gets this copy (June 4) and open it at the front page. It was all student rep. stuff, I started to read it, but it all seemed to be inside story stuff and wasn't very interesting really, I thought.

Well, I got to the next page, sort of quick like. The article on students and change was obviously by one of those average type students, but I found that even a moron like me could read it. That threw me a bit 'cause it was all topical like. The next bit was about the arts faculty meeting — looked like the front page, but it didn't have those bits about longhair hippy commie radical troublemaking anti-government filthy dirty should-be-bloody-well-shot youths and I found I could read that too. I thought to myself, maybe the average arts student would read that.

On page four I read the bit about the courts. That was by one of those average types too, but I could read it anyway (I was beginning to feel quite intelligent by then). Well, the court bit was quite good and I thought that maybe the average student would read that.

I read the bit about Hart next. I thought that was good 'cause it wasn't biased or nothing. It just stated facts in a calm reasoned manner, like the bit about Ken Comber with grease and other unknown fatty substances dripping from his badly laundered hair.

I read the bit about the Overseas Students Congress and thought it was quite interesting. I was a bit tempted to think about that, but I remembered my quest and went on instead.

I really liked that bit about Dr. Wall. I didn't think the average student would read it though, 'cause it wasn't emotional or nothing, just sort of logical.

I didn't like the thing on assessment. My mummy always taught me the world is a nice place and I thought it was nasty to say things like that. I did think about that for a while and I decided to remember what he said anyway.

The article on Israel shook me a heck of a lot. I knew it wasn't for me, but for the average students, but it still shook me. After a while I thought to myself that it wasn't fair that we morons weren't allowed to think about the world. You see, I figured we could do something about it. Leastwise, I forgot about it after a bit and told myself that Salient only printed it and they didn't know it was true anyway.

I decided I knew enough about the average student now. I thought maybe I would write an article for Salient about him. After a while, though, I got to thinking about all that I'd read in Salient (cause it was so interesting), so I didn't.