There's a file in Truth's Wellington Offices marked "The Story To End All Stories." When exactly Truth proposes to publish it, we have no idea. (Perhaps when New Zealanders decide that having sex is more fun than reading about it). Anyway, freelance reporter W. Keith managed to photograph the contents of the Tsteas file last week so Now it Can be Told:

Red Pope (38-48-58) Backs Birch & Pill

Male stripper and Scientologist, Peter Thomas Smith, whose name was withheld by the Court, slid between the warm sheets of hi-acking murderess Shani La Rue's bed following a night of orgy and brutality. "I'm still a virgin," claimed Miss La Rue to a jury of eight, led by NZ-born Peeping Tom "we-were-shocked-and-amazed" Jones. Miss La Rue went on to tell how, when she was sixteen, her balding migrant banned-by-Aussies father had bound her to a brass bedstead and, clad only in army socks and puce suspenders, ridden round her on a tricycle until she "went mad with desire".

Roger La Rue, the girl's father, later gave evidence. His forty-seven years of debauchery showed on his lined, puffy face. "I am a victim of my own sins and a rugby-less life," he pleased, and asked that his roles in the famed Vice Exposure Deal and the Poison Pill Ploy be taken into consideration. "I did it all because of Truth's campaign for support for the police" (La Rue then showed the Court a small silver swastika he was wearing round his neck). "New Zealanders want to know the until," he said. I have been molested by a nocturnal visitor and had my toilet meetings interrupted. I have even had my face gashed by bottle louts and Would like to see the hoses turned on them and the point dogs let loose. As an average citizen, tax-payer and third party in the Love-Loft scandal, I can say with some authority that the birch is preferable to the lash. Nothing's been the same since illicit love forced up beer prices."

Later, when Smith's flat was visited by a Police Inspector named Fred Anderson (no relation) and Invcrcargill's fetish-mogul sex-change swinging Bishop, the walls of the flat were found to be papered in stolen panties. The Inspector remarked that it called to mind tin Case of Porirua's Mad Axeman and Basher, and that Thug Cancer and Secret Love Potions were making NZ rile for a new Hotel Probe. Appearing that evening on television, Smith said he was now giving music lessons which usually ended in bed, and that he was organising a porno march down Queen Street in support of Auckland's chief Lurker ("He lurks so beautifully") who was standing for parliament.

"And," Smith is reported to have added later to a member of what is believed to have been tin NZBC, "if they don't like it here why don't they go home?"