First year students who follow the simple rules below will have a great time at university, graduate with ease, get a job with an insurance company or become Lady Mayoress of Masterton, breed middle-class, middle-brow and middle-aged children, and otherwise contribute to the creation of a better Neuter Zygote:

You are a superior being - behave like one

It wasn't that Daddy had plenty of money. No, you're here because you have 'above average intelligence'. You're also physically attractive and, to be perfectly honest, fascinating. The masses in the city (suitably spread out at your feet) and provinces may from time to time suggest that you are a conceited little prig this is merely sour grapes. If you are taking an arts degree and find your patrician politics a little uncomfortable, switch to Marcusan socialism and speak of 'the ultimate conservatism of the working class'. Buy a scooter and cultivate a lisp.

Copulate with anything that says yes

To be other than promiscuous would demonstrate a degree of discrimination which might develop into judgement, taste, a critical appreciation of the arts and other irrelevancies, or worse.

Don't take part in student government

If anyone starts to talk about student politics, change the subject. If pressed, you are "not interested in other people's power hang-ups". Next year, as a second year student, your role will be more interesting. You will refer to student representatives as "pretentious shits" and make inane interjections at meetings. In the meantime, however, you can play a useful part in making participatory democracy look like the farce we all know it to be. Just be yourself. Above all, do not vote in Exec elections.

Revere your lecturers

Many of them, you will quickly find, are lazy, condescending and rather stupid. Few of them know how to teach. Practically none of them will concern themselves in lectures with such esoteric questions as the contribution students can make to the subject concerned or its relevance to life in 1970, Despite these few shortcomings, your lecturers are gurus whose words you will be expected to inscribe in notebooks throughout the year and regurgitate in examinations. Above all do not think of the academic staff as jumped-up schoolteachers - this is the ultimate heresy.

Follow these rules and, like each generation of first year students before you, you will be quickly integrated into university life. What more could you want?