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Thurbage Meets A Specialist...

With a wave of his hand the professor motioned me to a seat.

"Of course the establishment of a chair in social economics is not a new concept."

"It Isn't?"

"Oh no. Do you want me to give you some idea of the ground we cover?"

"Please."

He leaned against his bookcase and thought for a moment. He had the Took of a man listening to footsteps far away down a flight of stairs.

"Let's have a look at party economics. Firstly we assume 'guest rationality.' In layman's terms, we expect the guest to maximise his satisfaction." He paused and I prompted him.

"Maximise his intake of alcohol?"

"Quite. The social customs of this society expect every young male to bring a quantity of alcohol, generally beer. About 80 fluid ounces. He is also expected to drink it. The ability to consume large amounts of alcohol without any visible effect is a social asset."

"And the female of the species?"

His eyes lit up like a vicar spying a biblical quotation on a parishioner's wall.

"Yes, the female of the species! Quite simply the allocation of scarce resources among many competing ends. This principle is centuries old, of course."

"Just going back to the male role in the party. Is he expected to appear intoxicated?"

"To a certain extent, yes. He must exhibit certain acceptable signs of enjoyment. Conviviality expectancy."

"Are you doing any original research in the party economics field?"

"Certainly. I'm particularly interested in the Malthusian concept. In theory, if each of the originally invited guests invite four of their friends, the party will become unbearably crowded. The crowding of the variable resource—guests, on to the fixed resource—the flat."

"But this isn't so?"

"Quite definitely no. I've found that as the flat becomes more crowded the desire for new guests to enter the flat becomes less. Finally they reach a point of indifference."

"I hadn't noticed this phenomenon."

The professor continued as if he hadn't heard me.

". . . At a point where the enjoyment from the beer and the company is counter-balanced by the crowded conditions, the noise level, risk of excessive spillage etc. The guests will no longer enter the party."

He spread his hands as if to say, "QED." I stood up to leave.

"Thank you. Professor. There certainly is a fascinating bit of work to be done in this field. There seems to be a fair bit of psychology in your study."

"Ah yes." He sprang to open the door with all the agility of a woodhen hastening to protect its young.

"Of course, a study of party economics has always interested me."

"Indeed?"

He closed the door to a crack and his eyes gleamed with an academic, albeit bloodshot, fervour. He whispered huskily, "I always wanted to combine my hobby with my job," and closed the door.

For one instant I heard the clink of glass against glass as a dedicated man pursued his chosen course of study.