Granite Ford

His name was Granite Ford; he was terribly masculine; even the way he blinked was aggressive. He wanted to become a movie star, not because he had any talent, but because he felt he would not have to change his name. Grunda, her latent feminity coming to the fore, fell in love with him the first day she saw him in the Food Chemistry lecture, wearing his black leather jacket with brass studs all over it. Unfortunately his hair was so long he rarely saw her except, on exceptionally windy days, when Grunda opened all the windows in the laboratory, and his hair was blown off his cheeks. They rarely talked, because Granite's vocabulary was limited to three and four-letter words which Grunda could not understand, although she thought they ware very basic, and therefore to be admired, and also because Grunda would get so excited when he did speak to her that she had to terminate the conversation, before it was too late. However, she did manage to write to him, and she did this very often, expressing herself as she had never done before (a thing which was indeed fortunate). She wrote him a series of rhyming couplets, the best of which were as follows:

Oh, Granite Ford, you have my soul in hock;

In minerals, you are my favourite rock!

Oh, Granite, you have torn my heart asunda;

Comb back your hair; take heed of grieving Grunda!

Oh, when I saw you in your jacket, Granite,

I was transported to another planet!

Granite never mentioned these couplets to Grunda, something which upset her considerably. She tried to convince herself that he had been so moved by these displays of affection that he could not fully express his gratitude. However, deep, deep, deep down within her she fell this couldn't be true, and she had to sit through many months of "The Rake's Progress" lectures—which in the less distinguished colleges on campus were known as the "How to Build a Rock Garden" lectures—until she received a startlingly verbose piece of poetry from her love:

Oh, Grunda, you mentioned another planet,

Whither you were transported with your Granite;

If this is true, then tell me to my face

That you will live with me in Outer Space.

Then he went on to say that he had loved her devotedly, ever since he had seen her in her cloth of gold pinafore—would she elope with him? Grunda, overwhelmed with joy, did not hesitate to say yes, and without waiting to complete her course in Animal, Vegetable and Mineral Studies, 3S, she left the university, promising her professor that she would not give up her work entirely, but that from that day on the emphasis would be on the Animal.