Blessed are the Merciful

"The Reverend Samuel Marsden was a magistrate at Parramatta, N.S.W., where he was known as 'the flogging parson,' because of the severity of the punishments he imposed on convict servants for breaches of the regulations, laziness, insubordination or absconding. But in New Zealand he has the reputation almost of a saint."

—"Roaming Round New Zealand", by Frank Clune, p. 23.

'Utter Stupidity

"I cannot imagine anything more stupid than to go on producing butter." the Minister (of Finance) stated, when instancing the fact that every pound of butter sold since January, 1956, had been disposed of at a loss."

—"Manawatu Evening Standard," 15/5/58.

Understatement?

"At least, in Miss Doolittle's well-known words, it is not very likely."

—"Truth," 20/5/58.

Pouring Oil on Troubled Lips

"I am 17 years of age and I have never been out with boys other than by brother and cousins, the trouble with me is that I am too shy. I have been asked out by a number of boys, but I always make some excuse because I am told that when a boy takes a girl out he expects her to kiss him goodnight. I would rather drink a bottle of castor oil than let a boy kiss me goodnight."

—Letter to "Truth," 20/5/58.

Leading a Dog's Life

"The Communist Government of Kerala State, South India, has banned "space dog' projects, the 'Times of India' reported today. There has been a space dog craze in many areas of the State, and one enthusiast, Anthan Kali, has fired dogs several hundred feet into the air in containers attached to crude rockets."

Increase Production

A Wellington bookselling firm recently sent to its customers a list of books available from stock. The list was headed "Increase New Zealand Production". Among the titles were "The Sexual Responsibility of Women" and "Sex Perfection".

Ancient

The order remained in Malta for 268 years, bringing with them the chivalry of the European courts and the learning of their age and leaving the Royal University of Malta founded by Grand Master Verdala in 1952. . . . Today the University which enjoys full autonomy is the oldest in the British Commonwealth.

—The Student, January, 1958.

Wot, no Canada?

"U.S. Honour for David Low Fredericton (New Brunswick), May 16.—The world-famous New Zealand-born cartoonist David Low received an honorary doctor of laws degree at the University of New Brunswick yesterday."

—"Evening Post", 17/5/1958.

Death of a Tombstone Maker

Concern at the prohibition of granite importation into New Zealand was shown at the New Zealand Master Monumental Mason's conference held in Wellington last Tuesday.

"There is no substitute or suitable granite in New Zealand," said the Dominion president, Mr. A. H. Fisher, "and the stoppage may mean the extinction of the trade."

—"Dominion," 2/5/1958.

Negative Rabbits?

"There are 300 per cent. less rabbits here than there were eight years ago when I came to the district. We farmers can deal with our own."

—Mr. G. Creighton as reported in "Timaru Herald," 12/2/1955.

Shot

The Honourable M. Moohan Scores First Bull of 1958 Season.

—Large headline in "Standard," 7/5/1958.

"Now Get this Straight!"

. . . Rugby is a man's game and can involve plenty of hard, rugged play, but we as a club will not tolerate incidents such as kicking an opponent.

(Chairman of the Management Committee of the Poneke Rugby Football Club, "Dominion", May 13th, 1958.)

The Still Small Voice

"You'll have to speak up," said Mr. L. P. Leary, Q.C., of Auckland, counsel for the defence, to a witness in the Supreme Court at Palmerston North. "Pretend I'm a turnip at the other end of the garden where you work." Witness, a market garden labourer, "I don't think that I would shout at a turnip."

—"Truth," 20/5/1958.

Mr. For-And-Against

"At the time of Suez, Britain and the United States seemed to be betraying the principles New Zealand held sacred. Yet they were holding on to things New Zealand cherished to save our way of life."

—Said Mr. Nash speaking at the Coral Sea dinner of the New Zealand-American Association, "Dominion", 19/5/1958.

Silly Old Macbeth

". . . Shakespeare both ridiculed the aristocracy and sailed into the bourgeoisie. If he had made a contemporary king look as silly as Macbeth he would have been up for lese-majesty."

—From an article entitled "Art in Our Service" in the Communist Party Journal "Labour Review", August-September, 1957.

". . . Lest the Daughters of the Philistines Re-Joice"

"The 'Southern Cross' should not have printed what that American judge said, that most men had love affairs before marriage. It cannot be true and it is not a help to a mother trying to bring up two sons to lead good decent lives."

God Helps those who Help Themselves

London, April 16.—"A vicar was said today to have printed a bachelor of divinity degree for himself on the parish magazine printing press. Now he was working as a night porter in a London hotel "as a self-imposed sentence and to gain moral strength," the "Daily Sketch" reported.—N.Z.P.A.

Pay-As-You-Go System

"The Californian State Legislature is drafting a Bill to curb the activities of more than 50 establishments which issue academic degrees on a pay-as-you-go system. In one case it was found that a "college" established for the sole purpose of making money in this manner had received replies from all parts of the world, to advertisements offering bachelor of arts degrees at a flat rate of £3/7/10. One man told an investigating committee that he had paid £357 for a Ph.D. from a so-called 'Golden State University'. When it arrived in the post he found he had been sent a B.Sc. for good measure."

"The Little People"

"A fairy story will enliven a pre-Budget Cabinet meeting called by the Prime Minister of Eire (Mr. de Valera), the 'Daily Telegraph's' Dublin correspondent reported. The Prime Minister will have to decide whether his Cabinet believes in fairies or whether to punish 20 State employees because they do, said the correspondent. The men, employed by the State Land Commission, refused to build a fence through a piece of land at Belmulet, County Mayo, because it was known locally as a one-time palace of fairies, "the little people."

". . . And Upon this Rock I will Build my Church"

"Rock 'n'roll should replace 'traditional, stately church music' to encourage youth attendances at church, says the Rev. Allan Walker, superintendent of the Central Methodist Mission in Sydney. 'Youth today does not feel the beat of conventional church music,' Mr. Walker said."

And

"A young bespectacled parish priest who specialises in organising rock 'n'roll sessions for teenagers in his parish in Warrington, Lancashire, became the eighth Baron Vaux of Harrowden yesterday, said the 'Daily Sketch.' He is the Hon. Peter Hubert Gordon Gilbey, a Benedictine monk."

Stuck!

Why didn't the woman in England who got stuck in the lavatory appeal to the Privy Council?