Superannuation Under Surveillance

Not since Leacock's Boardinghouse Geometry has there been so striking an example of applied mathematics as was evidenced in the recent Court proceedings in the case The Pres v. National Superannuation. The Defendant had been under surveillance for some time, and on coming out into the open was duly taken Into custody and charged (on information laid by Sundry Editors) with having insufficient lawful means of support.

The police stated that at the time of the arrest the Defendant was lurking about Parliament Buildings. In his possession was found an unexpurgated copy of Professor Murphy's treatise on The Canons of Taxation. After being cautioned by the Associated Chambers of Commerce the Defendant said he had no further statement to make.

Hire Mathematics.

An Actuary, who took the oath on a book of logarithm tables, gave evidence as to the amount of the Defendant's liabilities. He showed that the Defendant's grandparents and other dependents were becoming of multiplication was obtusely declining. Some seventeen million pounds would be necessary to pay 20/- in the £ to his various creditors. Cross-examined as to whether the Defendant might expect a legacy from a rich uncle in about ten years time, the witness replied that this was beyond the sphere of an actuary and fell rather within the radius of a fortuneteller. (The Court declined to receive astrological predictions from the Aspro year book.)

The spiritual and financial godfather of the Defendant endeavored to get the witness to compare production over the last 40 years with future prospects, and suggested that increasing national resources might be produced to infinity. The Actuary, however, maintained that nevertheless the periods were not [unclear: parellel]

A Friendly in Need.

Members of various friendly and unfriendly societies were then called to lodge their claims for appointment as Trustees for the Creditors. They maintained that they could give the creditors 19/11 worth for every 20/- they received.

Outside the Court could be heard the murmuring of City Council employees, and further afield there was a barking voice going off at a tangent about glorified pensions.

The Imperial Society of Doctors then showed conclusively that Defendant was a menace and a superfluity. They demonstrated as plainly as twice one are four that what they did gratuitously for the deserving poor was done twice as well as It would be done if they were paid to render the same service.

In Addition.

Counsel maintained that the above statement was actuarially and trigonometrically irrefutable. At the same time he desired to stress the fact that the informants were not actuated by any malice against the Defendant, and in fact had on various occasions given him left-off clothing. They merely desired to save the Defendant from the excesses of his own generosity due to his delusion that four times one was better than four plus nothing.

Relativity

Witnesses A, B and C, who had recently been papering rooms, mowing lawns, and driving aeroplanes at a local school, were unfortunately unable to give evidence. It was hoped to obtain interesting data from these varied types of citizen—A being a slow worker with one child. B a medium worker with three children, and C a fast worker with nine children. At present they were all away on P.W.D. Jobs.

Counsel for the defence, without calling evidence asked that the charges be dismissed. "The remarks of my learned friend are elliptical.'' he stated, "and completely ignore the rising parabola of national production. This will enable the Defendant to maintain budgetary equation. There is also this angle: the Defendant's projected exactions are in strict conformity with the law of arithmeticcal progression. His proposals, though acutely criticized, are upright, and do not call for any period in the first division."

The Defendant was bound over until the next election.

—Sesquicentenarian.

•