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Heels 1974

The Infernal Combustion Engine

page 10

The Infernal Combustion Engine

(Dante's Dream or the Quickest Way to Hell)

Or how Mother Nature in her boundless wisdom transforms the gravitational energy of falling pog into the kinetic energy of swotting sandflies.

A.. Preparation

Grease whole system thoroughly in dubbin or castor oil ready for rigours ahead. Place all villi on full alert and call up reservists.

B. Fuel Requirements

Most fuels fall into two categories; excessive congealers and excessive lubricators. The detailed classification is left to the reader.


(i) Pog a la charcoale

Pog a la without salt

Pog a la tres solide

Always cooked at the crack of dawn. Seldom eaten.

(ii) Ramaconi or easy elbows (medium or fit elbows can be difficult to catch)

(iii)Fish Eyes or Frogs' spawn. Also called sago. Don't be lured by the sensuous wobbles. Not to be muddled with gluecose.

First Coarse

Super octane fuels such as gluecose or chocolate. All dried fruit must be hung, drawn and quartered. Fruit cake should not be consumed within sight of other infernal engines.

Main Coarse

Tasman Vaccine Products

Textured Vaccine Products

Textured Vaccine Protein

Textured Vegetable Protein

Alternatives are Boiling Bacon, T.V.P., or Boiling Bacon. Usually eaten with Dehigh Veges.


Jelly and apples or any other suitable pieces of leather found hanging from the pack.

C.. Cautions

Ice-axes should always be taken spike first. You may often see engines holding plasters, sleek, skin etc. These are for application to the pedal extremities - not for infernal consumption.

D.. Running Notes

1. Do not refuel while the engine is 'running'. It never runs but you know what I mean.

2. Do not expect miracles. Anyway who likes bread?

3. Engine seizures will require considerable effort and strain.

4. Well greased engines may need attention at any time.

5. Enthusiasts eagerly awaiting the arrival of the V4 model are advised to proceed to the nearest cow paddock (see diagram).

6. Do not despair if your model is not operating perfectly. Few do. But any infernal combustion engine will respond well to loving care.

Recommended garages are the James Cook, Beefeater Arms...

page 11

E.. Overhauls

When use has been made of this amazing machine several points should be made before storing it away.

1.Soak in milkshakes and pies.
2,Clean system throughout with greasies and ale.
3.Agitate for three hours in Cook Strait.

Is it not a truly magnificent sight to see this machine on a steep incline, backfiring, swearing, stumbling and stopping? It has been recorded at speeds of up to 4 m.p.h. (although some of these stories are clearly legend) and it is well authenticated that on Jan 5th 1928 J. M. 'Pony Express' Snooks operated at 0.001 Horse Power. Surely a remarkable feet.

The Infernal Combustion Engine

Note how Camshaft, Drive Shaft, Axle, Differential, Wheel etc. have become redundant. Only the vestigial Boot remains.