Hotties in the Hopper

John Atkinson

"The fact is, Dave, it all boils down to frostbite."

"Oh, you mean like how they reduce whale blubber to oil."

"Yeah, something like that."

"I'm taking 6 pairs of socks."

"God man you'll lose all your toes, you need at least 7 pairs. Two up the river 1st day. Two up the river 2nd day. Two to get wet climbing Tappy and one dry pair for pit bashing."

"Jeez, Colonel, I forgot the pit bashing pair."

"Never mind, Dave, all you've gotta do is whip down to Tisdalls this afto."

"Hey, Colonel, you reckon two pairs of mittens, two grunds, two woollen shirts, long trou, bush singlet, two jerseys, long Johns, balaclava, over trou, swanee, puttees and parka will be enough."

"Hell, no, Dave, you've left out the most important item."

"What's that Colonel?"

"A hottie, Dave, a hottie. No trip to the Kaikouras in winter should go without a hottie. You know, I've read 3 accounts of winter trips in the Kaikouras and they all got frostbite or frostnip. Even old Edmund himself said it's a very cold hole, and he should know."

"Oh, I guess you're right, Colonel, but who the hell's going to carry one?"

"Yeah, that's a point, we've got a power of gear already."

Silence as the cogs tick over ... suddenly:

"Hey, Dave, I've got a mighty idea. We'll use our aluminium page 15water bottles as hotties, save us lugging ordinary ones."

"Shit hot, Colonel, shit hot."

And so it came to pass, three nights later on the cold gravel of a Kaikoura river bed, Colonel crawled into his battered arctic pit, clutching a bulging everest sock containing a bottle, full of boiling water.

Hotties had come to the Hodder.