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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 15, Issue 1 (April 1, 1940)

Wit And Humour

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Wit And Humour

Taking No Chances.

A lady motorist was driving along a country road when she saw a couple of repair men climbing a telephone pole.

“Look!” she exclaimed, “they must think I never drove a car before.”

* * *

The Spelling Bee.

College Student (writing home): “Say, how do you spell ‘financially’”?

Room - mate: “F-i-n-a-n-c-i-a-l-l-y,’ and there are two r's in ‘embarrassed?’”

* * *

Seeking Knowledge.

“I've just been congratulating Colonel Blaze,” said a guest at a banquet. “He's been appointed governor of a prison.”

“Really?” asked his pretty neighbour. “Now, for a job like that does one need influence, or does one just start as a convict and rise from the ranks?”

* * *

Unhappy Landing.

Mr. Dash was always courteous to women. One day when he was airing his views on politeness he remarked that he had never seen an ugly woman.

A woman standing near, who happened to have a flat nose, overheard him and said: “Sir, look at me, and confess that I am ugly!”

“Madam,” replied Mr. Dash, “like the rest of your sex, you are an angel fallen from the skies, but it was not your fault that you happened to fall on your nose.”

* * *

Forlorn Hope!

A Parliamentary candidate was canvassing constituents. He explained his opinions to one housewife, a newcomer to the district, and ended by saying, “Well, madam, those are my views, and I am hoping this constituency will return me.”

“Some hopes you've got, mister,” she said, sadly. “Although I ain't lived 'ere long, I can tell you the people 'ere never return anything!”

This Modern Age.

“Please, sir could I have to-morrow afternoon off—”

“Your grandmother, I suppose!”

“Exactly, sir. She is making her first parachute jump.”

* * *

After the Party.

“I never felt so punk in all my life.”

“Do any drinking last night?”

“Yes, and when I went to bed I felt fine. But when I woke up I felt terrible. It was the sleep that did it.”

* * *

A Warning.

Two big coloured caddies had had some sort of falling out, and warnings of intended violence were exchanged whenever the two passed each other.

“You jest keep on pesterin’ around wid me,” declared one of the lads, “an’ you is gwine to be able to settle a mighty big question for the sciumtific folks!”

“What question dat?” asked the other.

“Kin the dead speak!”

Colonel: “Were you in the last war?” Old Tommy: “Well, no, sir. You see, I gives one a miss now an’ agin.” —Humorist, London.

Colonel: “Were you in the last war?”
Old Tommy: “Well, no, sir. You see, I gives one a miss now an’ agin.”
—Humorist, London.

How About a Nice Rope?

Young Wife: ‘I want a cigar for my husband.”

Clerk: “Fairly strong?”

Young Wife: “Yes, please. The last one broke in his pocket.”

* * *

Amongst Friends.

We like the tale of the Scotch coal merchant who was always being worried by his acquaintances to supply them with coal at a lower rate than his other customers. So, because he was a friend of theirs, he reduced the price by two shillings, and, as they were friends of his, he knocked two cwt. off the ton.

* * *

In a Nutshell.

“The average German believes every word of the Nazi propaganda,” says a novelist. He gobbles what's garbled by Goebbels.

* * *

The Modern Version.

Teacher: “Willie, give me a sentence with the word ‘archaic.’”

Willie: “We cannot have archaic and eat it it too.”