Confirmed!

It was the final of the local cup tie and feeling ran high among the spectators. One of the home team supporters was continually drawing the referee's attention to infringements of the rules apparently committed by the visitors, but the ref. wasn't having any. Finally, in the middle of the second half, when the noisy spectator had almost made himself speechless with his shouts of “Foul!” a train on the railway about a hundred yards away whistled loudly. “There you are, ref.,” shouted the man excitedly. “Even the driver saw that one!”

* * *

All in the Family.

“Did you give the penny to the monkey, dear?”

“Yes, mamma.”

“And what did the monkey do with it?”

“He gave it to his father, who played the organ.”

* * *

The Better Solution.

Mother: “Now, Reggie, wouldn't you like to give your bunny as a Christmas present to that poor little boy who hasn't a father?”

Reggie (clutching rabbit): “Couldn't we give him father instead?”

* * *

Amongst Friends.

We like the tale of the Scotch coal merchant who was always being worried by his acquaintances to supply them with coal at a lower rate than his other customers. So, because he was a friend of theirs, he reduced the price by two shillings, and, as they were friends of his, he knocked two cwt. off the ton.

* * *

Making a Fresh Start.

An emigrant was preparing to leave his native land to try his luck abroad. An acquaintance inquired casually: “What are you going to do when you arrive in America?”

“Take up land.”

“Much?”

“Only a shovelful at a time.”

Time Marches On.

Long-winded Lecturer: “If I have talked too long it's because I haven't my watch with me, and there's no clock in this hall.”

Voice from audience: “There's a calendar behind you.”

(From London “Punch.”).
“Well, I've put the question to the Second Engineer.”
“What did he say?”
“'Is reply was non-committal. All 'e said was, ‘Get to 'ell out o' this.’”

Spilling the Ink.

A Glasgow merchant, famous in his way, came into his office one morning and found a young clerk writing a letter in rather a flourishing hand. “My man,” he observed, “dinna mak' the tails o' yer g's and y's sae long I want the ink tae last the quartpi? oot.”

Better English.

There was a young lady from Kent, Whose grammar was terribly bent; She said to her flame, “I'm so glad you have came, But I'll miss you so much when you've went.”

* * *

They Held Their Peace.

Mike: “Did you ever see a company of women silent?”

Ike: “Yes.”

Mike: “When?”

Ike: “When the chairman asked the oldest lady to speak up.”

* * *

School's In!

Tommy was not paying attention to the lesson when teacher swooped upon him.

“What is the meaning of the phrase, ‘The shark's hungry maw’?”

But the lad's ready wit came to his aid.

“It's starving mother, sir,” he replied hopefully.

* * *

A Mother's Concern.

The fond mother wrote to her son who was on military service:

“I hope that you have now learned to get up punctually every morning so that you do not keep the whole battalion waiting for breakfast.”

* * *

Running Late.

A local inhabitant was accosted by a stranger in the street.

“Which is the quickest way to the station?” he asked.

“Run, man,” was the reply.

* * *

Precautionary Measure.

The youth said he wished to take out some fire insurance.

“Surely you are not a property owner?” ventured the insurance man. “You mean life insurance?”

“No, mean fire insurance,” replied the youth firmly. “I've been fired from three jobs in the past month.”