All Clear.

An elderly woman with her granddaughter came down to the railway station. Evidently she was not used to travelling. She looked anxiously about the station, and then walked up to the ticket office and inquired:—

“When does the next train go to town, please?”

“The next train, madam,” said the clerk, looking at his watch, “goes at exactly four o'clock.”

“Will that be the first train?”

“Yes, madam, the first train.”

“Are there any goods trains?”

“No, madam.”

“Is there a special.”

“No madam, no special.”

“If there happened to be a special, would you be aware of it?”

“Yes, madam.”

“Well, I'm very glad—very glad,” said the lady. “Now, Susan, you and I may cross the line.”

* * *

Where the Flavour Lies.

The scene is a milk bar. Enter a customer.

First Customer: A glass of milk, please.

Attendant: Certainly sir. (Customer gulps down milk, and to the general astonishment of fellow-customers, bites a piece off the top of glass, chews and swallows it).

Customer: Gimme a bigger glass. (Repeats the performance, pays and strides out).

Second Customer: Ex—rather a queer chap that.

Attendant: Yes, sir.

Second Customer: Do you think he's —er—normal?

Attendant: No, sir. I think he's very queer.

Second Customer: Oh, queer, eh?

Attendant: Yes, sir, quite. You see, sir (very confidentially) it's the thick part of the glass at the bottom that tastes the best.

Assured.

He was very small and rather timid, and was being examined for life insurance. “You're not a fast liver, or a heavy drinker, or anything of that sort, are you?” asked the doctor.

The little man hesitated for a moment, and then replied nervously: “Well—er—I sometimes chew a little gum.”

A Real Difficulty.

“Ah, Pat,” said the village priest of Clanbridget, “here I find ye with a jug of potheen after what ye promised me. Throw it away, now!”

“Sure, Father, an’ I would,” said Pat, “but the half of it belongs to me brother.” “Throw your half away, then.”

“I can't do that, Father. Mine's at the bottom.”

Gratitude.

The manufacturer of a certain well-known brand of patent medicine recently received a letter from a grateful woman who had been a customer.

“Four weeks ago,” she wrote, “I was so run down that I could not even spank the baby. After taking three bottles of your tonic I am able to thrash my husband in addition to my other housework. Thank you!”

* * *

“Gentlemen of the Jury.”

A man who was in court because he had knocked down and injured a pedestrian with his car said in his defence that he was only driving at four miles an hour at the time of the accident.

Whereupon the counsel for the victim countered with:

“Gentlemen of the jury, the driver of the car has just stated that he was travelling at only four miles an hour at the time of impact. Think of it! The long agony of my poor unfortunate client, the victim, as the car drove slowly over her body!”

* * *

Not as Advertised.

An old gentleman went into a grocer's shop and bought a packet of cornflour.

A week later he returned, and threw the empty packet on the counter. “It's a downright swindle!” he said to the man behind the counter.

“In what way was it unsatisfactory? asked the assistant.

“It's worthless,” the old man replied. “I've been putting it on my corns every night for a week, and they are worse now than when I started. I'm going back to the old-fashioned corn plaster again in future!”