Anonymous.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” said the vicar, “I have thanked, personally, all those who have given articles for our sale of work. Two towels have been presented by anonymous donors who prefer to be known by their initials only. They are, L.M.S. and L.N.E. respectively.”

* * *

Exclusive.

Everybody got up but one man in the corner when the evangelist asked all who wanted to go to Heaven to stand.

“Do you want to go to Beulahland, my brother?” asked the evangelist.

“Sure!” answered the hopeless minority, “but I ain't going with any excursion.”

* * *

Waiting for a Bargain.

The hired girl had been sent down to the brook to fetch a pail of water, but stood gazing at the flowing stream apparently lost in thought.

“What's she waiting for?” asked her mistress, who was watching.

“Dunno,” wearily replied her husband. “Perhaps she hasn't seen a pailful she likes yet.”

* * *

Impeached.

Irate Woman (facing magistrate): “Sir, that do-nothing husband of mine wastes all our money on drink; he even takes my things and pawns them—–.”

Husband (interrupting): “So I do. This woman of mine isn't so good either. Why I pawned the gas cooker once and she didn't notice it for a fortnight.”

* * *

Tough Going.

Two navvies were having a meal at an eating-house. One of them had been hacking away at a steak for quite a time, but without much success.

Turning to his mate he said, in a loud voice: “Taint the food wot does yer good ‘ere Alf; it's the blinkin' exercise.

The Proof.

“What makes you think Mrs. Briggs is not to be trusted?” asked Jones.

“Well,” replied his wife, “I told her a secret about Mrs. Jenkins that Mrs. Fletcher told me in confidence the other day, and she told Mrs. Fletcher that I'd told her after I specially asked her not to.”

* * *

Nature Study.

Tommy was not paying attention to the lesson when teacher swooped upon him.

“What is the meaning of the phrase, ‘The shark's hungry maw’?”

But the lad's ready wit came to his aid.

“It's starving mother, sir,” he replied hopefully.

The Sample.

The Sergeant-Instructor was in despair, to the point of losing his temper. He angrily grabbed a recruit's rifle after a hopless exhibition of marksmanship by his squad. Hastily he took aim, fired—and missed the target completely. “Now that,” he said coolly, “is how you, Robins, do it.”

Again taking aim, he pressed the trigger hastily, and again he missed. “And that,” he exclaimed, trying hard to preserve his temper, “is how you, Hardaker, and you, Phillips, do it.”

In despair he fired a third time, and managed to score a bull. “There you are!” he almost screamed in triumph, “that's how I do it. Now, you careless good for - nothings, remember what I have shown you, and in future, do it my way.”

Absentee Handyman.

Neighbour: “Say, have you folk a bottle opener around here?”

Parent: “Yes, but he's away at college.”

* * *

Adds Zest to Life.

Necessity: Something you can go without in order to make a down payment on a luxury.

* * *

Surprise Gift.

Tobacconist: Well, madam? Some cigars for your husband to-day?

Kind Old Lady: Yes, I want a box like the Army officers smoke—er—ah—a good rank cigar, I suppose you'd call it.

“That's Colonel Cragscales, the famous mountaineer, Sir, ‘E ain't ‘arf in a temper ‘cos the lift's out of order.”—The Humorist.