Trial and Error.

An electrician was working on an emergency wiring job. Turning to the apprentice who was helping him, he said, “Say, Bill, take hold of the end of that wire.”

“All right.”

“Feel anything?”

“No.”

“Well, then don't touch the other one, it's got over 5,000 volts.”

Poverty-Stricken.

A tramp paused outside a large house, and as he did so another of his kind came shuffling out of the gate.

“Any luck, mate?” asked the first tramp.

“It ain't no use tryin' there,” was the reply. “It's a poverty-stricken ‘ole. There was a couple o' women tryin' to play on one blinkin’ pianner!”

* * *

The Difference.

Errand Boy: “Is killing a pig murder, sir?”

Butcher: “No. Murder, my lad, is assaulting with intent to kill. The other is killing with intent to salt!”

The Opportunist.

He had long overstayed his welcome. “Tell me,” said the host at last, “how long was the fish you caught the other day?”

“Oh,” said the guest, holding his hands wide apart, “so long.”

“Well, so long,” returned the host, “if you really must be going.”

* * *

An Impeachment.

The henpecked husband took his pipe from his pocket. His wife looked daggers at him.

“But, my dear,” he protested, “all great men smoked, you know.”

“Yes, Henry,” she replied sweetly, “and when you get to be a great man I shan't mind you smoking either.”

Up To Him.

“But how on earth did you come to get so completely intoxicated?” asked the magistrate.

“I got into bad company, your Honour. You see, there were four of us. I had a bottle of whisky—and the other three were teetotallers.”

* * *

Equality.

Father: “Why is it that you are always at the bottom of the class?”

Johnny: “It doesn't make any difference daddy, they teach the same things at both ends.”

“Anyway, Claude, what a ridiculous place for a tree to grow.”

Wanted: A Fight.

As Mike marched down the street, he passed two men who were talking on the corner, so he promptly joined in the conversation.

“Are you gintlemen arguin' about Oireland?” he asked.

“No,” replied one of the men, “we're not. We're just discussing some personal affairs.”

Apparently satisfied, Mike walked on. But he hadn't gone more than five yards when an idea struck him. He turned round again and came back to the two men.

“Faith!” he cried. “Maybe you think Oireland isn't worth arguin' about!”

The Compliment.

It was breakfast time at the house of the eminent professor, who had spent the major part of the night in his laboratory.

“My dear,” he said to his wife, “congratulate me! I have discovered a gas of hitherto unheard-of density, and I'm going to name it after you!”

* * *

Day and Night Shift.

“There's something odd about you this morning,” said the dictator to his chief lieutenant.

“Yes—I know what it is. For the first time since I've known you you've left off your medals.”

The lieutenant looked down at his chest.

“Great Heavens!” he cried, “I forgot to take them off my pyjamas.”

* * *

The Wrong Platform.

Guard (to Scotsman in train): “This is a platform ticket you have.”

Sandy: “Aye, but I want to go to another platform.”

* * *

Father's Caution.

First Boy: “Old Harry roller-skates pretty well perfect, don't ‘e?”

Second Boy: “I don't know. ‘Is father won't let ‘im fetch ‘is beer on ‘em yet.”

* * *

Outshone.

An American was talking of the terrible storms he had encountered. He had seen hailstones the size of a penny.

“Shure, that's nothing to the great storm in Cork years ago,” said an Irishman. “The hailstones there varied in size from a shilling to eighteen-pence.”

* * *

Startling News.

A little girl walked upstairs to the room where her father was gargling his throat, ran to the top of the stairs, and shouted: “Mummy—come quick! Daddy's boilin' over.”