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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 13, Issue 3 (June 1, 1938.)

Wit And Humour

page 62

Wit And Humour

Fortune Knocks at the Smiling Door

Fortune Knocks at the Smiling Door

A Bargain!

Father: Now, Bobby, play with those other children and don't get into mischief while I have a bathe, and when I come out I'll give you twopence.

Bobby: An’ if you don't come out, will mummie pay me the twopence?

* * *

In Form.

Judge: Prisoner, it is your right to challenge the jurymen you object to.

Pugilist: All right, my lord; I reserve the right until after they make their decision.

* * *

Drinking in Music.

Negro Patient: Doctor! doctor! I was playing de mouth organ, an’ swallowed it!

Doctor: Keep calm, sir, and be thankful you were not playing the piano.

* * *

The Art Critic.

A cockney and his wife were visiting the Royal Academy Exhibition, when they came to a painting called “Hawking in the Olden Days.”

“'Awking’ in the Olden Days,” exclaimed the Cockney. “My, they didn't ‘arf do it well—on ‘orseback an’ all!”

“But what were they ’awking, ’Enery?” asked his wife.

“Blessed if I know,” replied the puzzled Cockney, “unless they're trying to sell them blooming parrots!”

* * *

Keeping An Eye On Expenditure.

The wife had been put on the budget plan. At the end of each month she and her husband would go over the accounts together. Every once in a while he would find an item “L.O.K., 3s.“, and a little further on, “L.O.K., 6s.”

Finally, he said: “My dear, what is this—'L.O.K.'?”

“Lord Only Knows,” she replied.

* * *

Emphatic!

Wife (trying on hats) : Do you like this turned down?

Husband: How much is it

Wife: Five guineas.

Husband: Yes. Turn it down.

The Sport of Kings.

Foreman: What ‘ave you done today?

Absent-minded New Hand: The first two favourites, mate.

Foreman (indignantly): Well, you go to the office and get your money!

Absent-minded New Hand: Lumme! ’Ave they both won?

* * *

Exam. Results.

Tom: “Dad, I've got good news.”

Dad: “Have you passed your exam.?”

Tom: “Well, I didn't exactly pass, but I was top of those that failed.”

Humorist (Eng.)Father: Shall we play trains, Peter? Peter: Yes. You be the stationmaster III in bed with the ‘flu!

Humorist (Eng.)Father: Shall we play trains, Peter?
Peter: Yes. You be the stationmaster III in bed with the ‘flu!

Call Again.

Caller: “I would like to see the judge, please.”

Secretary: “I'm sorry, sir, but he is at dinner.”

Caller: “But, my man, my errand is important.”

Secretary: “It can't be helped, sir, His Honour is at steak.”

* * *

Plucky.

First Customer: “Waiter, bring me a plate of hash.”

Waiter (calling back to the kitchen): “Gentleman says he'll risk it.”

Second Customer: “Waiter, I'll take the same.”

Waiter (calling back to the same kitchen): “Another sport!”

Salesmanship.

Gentleman: Are you really so hard up?

Tramp: Hard up? Why, sir, if suits of clothes wuz sellin’ at a penny apiece, I wouldn't have enough to buy the arm hole of a vest.

* * *

The Advantage.

“Waiter, these are very small oysters.”

“Yes, sir.”

“And they don't appear to be very fresh, either.”

“Then it's lucky they're small, ain't it, sir?”

Opportunity.

They were sitting on the verandah in the moonlight. No words broke the stillness for half an hour. She began to yawn.

“I say,” she said, suddenly, “suppose you had money, what would you do?”

He threw out his chest manfully.

“If I had money,” he said, with great enthusiasm, “I'd travel.”

He felt her warm, young hand in his. He closed his eyes and sighed happily. When he looked up again she had gone.

In his hand lay a threepenny-piece.

* * *

Girl Wanted.

She was interviewing an applicant for the position of cook.

“Well, Jane, you seem suitable in every respect, and I have decided to engage you. The work will be light, and you will find the master is very easily pleased.”

“Yes, mum,” replied Jane, “I thought that the moment I saw you.”

* * *

The Main Reason.

Young Man (to her little brother): Johnnie, it may be cruel to tell you, but at the party last night your sister promised to become my wife. Will you forgive me for taking her away?

Johnnie: Forgive you? Why, that was what the party was for.