Natural History.

Mrs. McMurphy (pointing to dilapidated looking giraffe): “And phwat animal is this thin?”

Mr. McM. (with air of superior knowledge): “Why, an ostrich, sure.”

Mrs. McM.: “An ostrich! Then where are its feathers?”

Mr. McM. (contemptuously): “Don't bethray ignorance, Biddy. Don't ye know that ostriches moult at this toime o' the year?”

* * *

Glad Tidings.

Voice on Telephone: “Your mother-in-law has been sent to prison for a month for dangerous driving.”

Meier: “Don't make me laugh, my lips are cracked.”

* * *

Making Certain.

Doctor: “Did the sleeping powder do any good?”

Patient: “I scattered it over the whole bed but it did no good.”

* * *

Speeding Up.

Dublin boss rushed into the shop at eight o'clock one Monday morning, and yelled at all the workers, “To-day is Monday, to-morrow is Tuesday, and the next day is Wednesday. Half the week gone and you've not started work yet.”

* * *

All Seats Please!

A young lady has a vivid memory of rural courtesy.

She was struggling with a hot cup of coffee in a small town railway station, trying to gulp it before the train pulled out. A youth, standing a couple of yards away, noted her plight, and seeing the guard looking anxious, came to the fore.

“Here, ma'am, you can take my cup o' coffee. It's already saucered and blowed.”

* * *

A Small Purchase.

Customer: “I want a tube of tooth paste, please.” Chemist: “What size sir?” “Oh, just enough for a couple of teeth.”

Down on the Farm.

“My father had a scarecrow that was so effective that not a bird settled on that field the whole year.”

“Mine had one that was so effective that the day he put it up, the birds brought back everything they had stolen the day before.

* * *

Father's Change.

Willie (to his father who had recently married the second time): “There's a shop in the High Street just like you, Daddie.”

Father: “Shop like me? What do you mean?”

Willie (getting near to the door): “Why, it's under entirely new management.”

* * *

Handicapped.

“Poor ole Bill! ‘E's so short-sighted ‘e's working ‘imself to death.”

“Wot's ‘is short sight got to do with it?”

“Well, ‘e can't see when the boss ain't looking, so ‘e ‘as to keep on shovelling all the time!”

(By courtesy of the “Storyteller.”)
“A trifle over-zealous are we not Ramsbotham?”

A Warning.

Mrs. Jones (to husband who has ventured to assert himself): Now Henry, understand once and for all, just because you've been on a ten days' tour in Italy don't get the idea you're a second Mussolini!

* * *

A Domestic Revolution.

“My husband is so miserly that instead of going out and getting drank he sits all the evening on the piano stool and revolves hour after hour.

* * *

After the Dinner.

“My dear, it was frightfully interesting at that dinner last night. I was talking to a Pole most of the time.”

“Oh, John! And you promised you wouldn't have more than one drink.”

* * *

Film Flim Flam.

Jane: “My Scotch boy friend sent me his picture yesterday.”

Joan: “How does he look?”

Jane: “I don't know yet, I haven't had it developed.”

* * *

The Wretch!

Hubb: “Haven't I always given you my salary cheque on the first of every month?”

Wife: “Yes, but you never told me you got paid on the first and the fifteenth, you embezzler!”

* * *

Death of Nelson.

A man stood on the street corner playing a cornet. When he had played one refrain, a little urchin went up to him and said, “What was that tune, mister?”

“That, my boy, was the ‘Death of Nelson,”' answered the player.

Urchin: By cripes! what a ‘orrible death.

* * *

Correction.

Dad wrote to his son at college: “I'm sending you the £10 in addition to your regular allowance as you requested in your last letter; but I must again draw attention to your incorrect spelling. ‘10’ is written with one nought, not two.”