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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 12, Issue 2 (May 1, 1937)

Wit And Humour

page 79

Wit And Humour

Persuasive Go-Gebtor.

A mechant addressing a debtor Remarked in the course of his lebtor

That he chose to suppose

A man knose what he ose

And the sooner he pays it the bebtor.

* * *

Very Explicit.

Traffic Manager: “Did you put ‘Handle With Care’ and ‘This Side Up’ on all the boxes to go by freight?”

Pat (new shipping clerk): “Oi did, sur. An' for fear they did not see it on the top, Oi printed it on the bottom, too.”

* * *

His Visible Means

It was at a fashionable wedding. The bridegroom's father was a well-known company director, and an enormously rich man, though “near.”

The bridegroom, however, was notoriously impecunious. His sole means of support seemed to be borrowing money from his friends.

But he boldly repeated his part of the marriage service, and exclaimed loudly, “With all my worldly goods I thee endow.”

Whereupon his father said in a stage whisper that could be heard distinctly all over the church: “Good Lord!

There goes his bicycle!”

* * *

Made It Fizz.

Mrs. A.: “‘Ow did yer old man break ‘is front teeth?”

Mrs. B.: “Tryin' to drink out of a bottle we'en ‘e wus on top of a motorbus.”

* * *

Keen Salesmanship.

Salesman: “This fire-fighting apparatus will be in use in 50 years' time.”

Elderly Lady: “But in 50 years I shall not be here.”

Salesman, misunderstanding: “But, madame, it is so light and convenient that you could carry it anywhere with you.”

* * *

Try Blasting.

“A fortnight ago you gave me a plaster to get rid of my rheumatism.”


“Now I want something to get rid of the plaster.”

Prepared to Risk It.

A small boy at the Christmas party had been eating steadily for an alarming length of time. When he asked for another helping, his mother spoke to him earnestly.

“Willie,” she said, “I'm quite serious. If you take another helping of turkey, you'll burst.”

Willie listened, alarm spreading over his features. He hesitated, and gazed at the turkey. Finally he sat erect, a study of heroic resolution.

“All right, then,” said he, “give me another helping and stand clear.”

* * *

Real Thunder.

A well-known actor was appearing in a play in which a thunderstorm played an important part. One night in the middle of a speech he was interrupted by a terrific peal.

The annoyed actor looked up into the flies and said: “That came in the wrong place.”

And the angry stage-hand replied: “Oh, did it? Well, it came from ‘eaven.”

Courtesy Great-Western Railway. Bold move in the campaign to do away with railway porters.

Courtesy Great-Western Railway.
Bold move in the campaign to do away with railway porters.

The Irony of Fate.

“What is the ‘Irony of Fate,’ dad?”

“Well, my boy, if your great uncle Alfred, who has only one tooth in his head, gets toothache through biting the one three-penny bit in the Christmas pudding that would be it.”

* * *

Safe as the Bank.

An old lady was going down a coalmine for the first time. As the cage descended she noticed how she and the rest of the party were dependent upon a single rope to which it was attached.

“Do you think it's quite safe?” she asked a miner as she glanced at the rope.

“Safe as the bank,” returned the miner. “There's nothing to be afraid of. These ropes are guaranteed to last 12 months, and this one ain't due to be renewed till to-morrow.”

* * *

The Wrong Key.

A foreign pianist was engaged to act as accompanist to an aspiring amateur singer. The latter had bounding ambition, but her technique was faulty. This defect became manifest at the first rehearsal.

After the poor woman had flatted and flatted until she had flatted practically all of her notes, the accompanist waved her to silence.

“Madam,” he said, mournfully, “it is no use. I gif up der chob. I blay der black keys, I blay der white keys—und always you sing in der cracks!”

* * *

The Self-made Man.

“Yes,” he said, “I was left without father or mother at the age of eight months, and ever since I've had to battle along for myself.”

“And how did you manage to support yourself at eight months?”

“Oh, I crawled to a baby show and won first prize.”

* * *

An Even Start.

The scene was a riding school.

“Have you ever ridden a horse?” said the sergeant.

“No, sergeant,” replied the recruit.

“Well, here's the very animal for you. He's never been ridden, so you two can start level.”

page 80