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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 11, Issue 11 (February 1, 1937)

Wit And Humour

page 61

Wit And Humour

An Injustice.

“Mrs. Jones,” said the annoyed woman to her neighbour, “I make no complaint about your Alf copying my Percy's sums at school, but I do think it's time to say something when your boy starts ‘itting my boy when the answers ain't right.”

* * *

A Stern Command.

A little boy had been taken to see the Toys Department at one of the big shops. On returning home, his mother said: “Well, dear, did you see Santa Claus?”

“Oh yes, Mummie, he was wearing a lovely red coat and had a great white beard and long white hair.”

“And what did Santa Claus say to you?”

“He said, ‘Put that d—d train down!”

* * *

Cheerful Help.

“Mary has a wonderful husband.”

“Yes? How is that?”

“Why, he helps her do all the work. Monday he washed the dishes with her. Tuesday he dusted with her. And to-morrow he is going to mop the floor with her.”

* * *

True Love.

Engine Driver's Sweetie: “And do you always think of me during your long night trips?”

Driver: “Do I? I've wrecked two trains that way already.”

Sweetie: “Oh, you darling!”

* * *

Flowery.

The domestic squabble was in progress.

“I spend hours toiling in the garden!” said Jones.

“Bah!” came the response from his other half. “And the only rose we've got is on the water-can!”

* * *

A Brave Husband.

Husband (as burglars are heard downstairs): “Sh-h, dear! This is going to be a battle of brains.”

Wife: “How brave of you, dear, to go unarmed.”

Heard in Classroom.

“Now, boys,” said the teacher, “tell me the signs of the zodiac. You first, Thomas.”

“Taurus, the Bull.”

“Right! Now, you, Harold, another one.”

“Cancer, the Crab.”

“Right again. And now it's your turn, Albert.”

The boy looked puzzled, hesitated a moment and then blurted out: “Mickey, the Mouse.”

Putting the Finishing Touches After a Good Clean up Courtesy Great-Western Railway.

Putting the Finishing Touches After a Good Clean up Courtesy Great-Western Railway.

How She Knew.

A small girl said to her father: “Daddy, I have just caught five flies, two were males and three were females.” On being questioned how she knew which were males and which were females, she replied: “Two of them were on the whisky bottle and the other three on the mirror.”

* * *

Heard in School.

The schooolmaster was explaining to his class of small boys the nature of common fractions.

“If I take a potato, cut it in half, then in quarters, and then in halves again, what shall I have?”

“Chips, sir,” was the unexpected response from one small boy.

Bait.

“Buy a Christmas tree, lady, buy a tree and make the kiddies happy.”

“Sir! I have no children.”

“My mistake, lady, buy some nice mistletoe!”

* * *

False Pretences!

Landlady (confiding troubles with lodgers to friend): “Then I had one ‘oo made out ‘e was a bachelor of arts, an' blow me if ‘e didn't ‘ave a wife and family in Taihape all the time.”

* * *

Not Proven.

Fussy Lady: “Is the 4.10 a good train?”

Porter: “Well, people will talk, of course, ma'am, but there's nothing definitely known ag'in ‘er.”

* * *

Baby's Progress.

The farmer's wife had just paid the last instalment on the perambulator.

Clerk: “Thank you, madam. How is the baby getting on now?”

Lady: “Oh, he's all right. He's getting married next week.”

* * *

Here, Rover, Here!

“Yes,” the teacher explained, “quite a number of plants and flowers have the prefix ‘dog.’ For instance, the dog rose, and the dog violet are well known. Can you name another?”

There was silence, then a happy look illuminated the face of a boy at the end of the class.

“Please, miss,” he called out, proud of his knowledge, “collie-flowers!”

* * *

A Country Race Meeting.

At a recent race meeting in our Hawke's Bay township two Maoris were the joint owners of a horse that competed in the local Cup event. One, Reta, acted as the jockey, and, as he flogged his mount home, the last of a big field, his companion, Rewi, full of anger, rushed to meet him. “Why you never come away in te straight, like I told you?” he demanded angrily. Reta spat contemptuously. “How could I come without te hoi hau? (horse)” he roared—O. W. Waireki.