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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 11, Issue 10 (January 1, 1937)

Wit And Humour

page 64

Wit And Humour

Just Like That.

The conjurer was producing eggs from a top hat. He addressed a boy in the front row.

“Your mother can't get eggs without hens, can she?” he asked.

“O, yes,” said the boy.

“How's that?” asked the conjurer.

“She keeps ducks,” answered the boy.

* * *

Up To Date.

Mistress: “Marie, when you wait at table to-night for my guests, please don't spill anything.”

Maid: “Don't you worry, ma'am; I'll keep my mouth shut.”

* * *

Pat's Mistake.

Pat wanted to borrow some money from Michael who happened to have a small boy with him at the moment.

“‘Tis a fine kid you have there, Mike,” said Pat. “A magnificent head, and noble features. Could you lend me a couple of pounds?”

“I could not,” replied Mike. “'Tis me wife's child by her first husband.”

* * *

Not One of that Kind.

“You ain't one of them men wot drops their tools and scoots as soon as knock-off blows, are you?” “Not me, Why, I often have to wait five minutes after I puts me tools away before the whistle goes.”

* * *

A Risky Suggestion.

Foreman (shouting to workman who is falling from high scaffold): “Fall on yer head, Bill—you'll get more compensation!”

* * *

How to Solve It.

Wifey: “I think you ought to talk to me while I sew.”

Hubby: “Let's change it around, and you sew to me while I read.”

A Mild Protest.

Mistress: “I've asked Mr. and Mrs. Smith to dinner at seven, Mary; but I think we'll give them a quarter of an hour's grace.”

Mary: “Well, ma'am, I'm religious myself, but I think that's rather over-doin’ it!”

* * *

Big Changes.

Prospect: “What's the difference between this new model and last year's car?”

Salesman: “Well, the cigarette lighter is about an inch nearer the steering wheel.”

“Oh Boy—Just Made It!” A striking cartoon which has been reproduced in many papers throughout the United States of America.

“Oh Boy—Just Made It!” A striking cartoon which has been reproduced in many papers throughout the United States of America.

And Look What Happened.

Diner: “I see that tips are forbidden here.”

Waitress: “Lor’ bless yer, mum, so was the apples in the garden of Eden.”

Fashionable.

A young farm-hand visited London to spend a holiday with a relative.

His clothing being decidedly rustic in appearance, his host suggested that he should get a suit from a city tailor, to which the young man agreed.

“What about a small deposit, sir?” asked the tailor when measurements had been taken.

“Just as you like,” replied the other, “put one in if they're fashionable.”

* * *

Absurd!

“Martha, did you wash the fish before you baked it?” “Lor', mum, no! Wot's the use of washin’ a fish wot's lived all ‘is life in the water?”

* * *

A Passenger Reassured.

Passenger: “Does this tram stop at the quay?”

Conductor “There'd be a terrible splash if it didn't!”

* * *

Canny Sandy.

Geordie Simpson to his friend Sandy, “Weel, Sandy, and hoo are ye likin’ married life?” “No’ at a',” replied Sandy. “She's aye ask, ask, askin’ for money.” “Hoo much hae ye gien her?” “Nane as yet.”

* * *

The Unhappy Medium.

A tramp called at a wayside cottage and asked for a little food to help him on his way.

“But you're a big, strong, healthy-looking man,” said the cottager. “Why don't you do some work?”

“Well, madam,” said the tramp, with a shrug of his shoulders, “I'll tell you my trouble. I'm what they call an unhappy medium.”

“Unhappy medium!” echoed the other. “What do you mean by that?”

“I'm too light for heavy work and too heavy for light work,” was the reply.