“How's business?” a passer-by asked the old scissors grinder.

“Fine,” he said. “I never saw things so dull.”

* * *

Welcome.

“At last,” said the ambitious young novelist, “I have written something that I think will be accepted by the first magazine it is sent to.”

“What is it?” his friend asked.

“A cheque for a year's subscription.”

* * *

After the Party.

A man was fumbling at his keyhole in the small hours of the morning. A policeman saw the difficulty and came to the rescue.

“Can I help you to find the keyhole, sir?” he asked.

“Thash all right, old man,” said the other cheerily, “you jusht hol' the housh shtill and I can manage.”

* * *

Heap Many Scalps.

Fan: “What an adorable necklace. I've never seen one just like it.”

Movie Star: “Isn't it lovely! It's made entirely of my wedding rings.”

* * *

In and Out.

Willie's father picked up a very much scribbled piece of paper. It contained the words: “Blow blow draw draw blow draw blow.”

“What's the meaning of this?” the father demanded.

“Oh, that's the music for my mouth-organ,” explained Willie.

* * *

A Kind Boss.

Could I have a day off, sir, to help my wife with the spring cleaning?”

“No, I'm afraid not—”

“Thank you, sir, I knew I could rely on you.”

A Model Husband.

“My husband has no bad habits,” boasted a wife. “He never drinks, and he spends all his evenings at home. Why he doesn't even belong to a club.”

“Does he smoke?” inquired a friend.

“Only in moderation. He likes a cigar after he has had a good dinner, but I don't suppose he smokes two cigars a month.”

* * *

A Delicate Subject.

“Cook,” said the mistress nervously, “I don't like to mention it, but the food disappears rather quickly in the kitchen.”

“Indeed, m'm,” replied the cook, “I admit I eats 'earty, but no one could call me gorgeous.”

(Courtesy Great Western Railways.) A very old but efficient test for brakes.

Point of View.

An Irishman who worked for the city came home one evening after a very hot summer's day and began to “kick” at his wife for not having his supper ready on time.

“What do yez mane by talkin' to me that way?” she said to him. “Here I am, slavin' me health an' strength away over the washtub on a hot day like this, and you down in your nice, cool sewer.”

* * *

Competition.

Mother: “Why are you making faces at that bulldog?”

Small Child (wailing): “He started it.”

The Modern Way.

“To what do you attribute your great age?” asked the city visitor of Grandpa Eben Hoskins.

“I can't say yit,” answered Grandpa cautiously. “There's several o' them testimonial fellers adickerin' with me.”

* * *

Somebody Knows.

Canvasser: “You pay a small deposit, then you make no more payments for six months.”

Lady of the House: “Who's been telling you about us?”

* * *

Improving the Breed.

A farmer had made a claim against a railway company for a colt killed on the line.

“And how much would you say this colt was worth?” asked the railway representative appointed to investigate the claim.

“Not a penny less than £200!” declared the farmer.

“Pedigree stock, I suppose?”

“Well, no. But you could never judge a colt like that by its parents.”

“No,” the investigator agreed, “I've often noticed how crossing it with an engine will improve a breed.”

* * *

A Willing Worker.

Two labourers were wheeling soil in wheelbarrows. The foreman spoke to one of them, and said: “Look here, my man! Your mate's wheeling two barrow-loads to your one!”

“Well,” replied the workman, “don't blame me; I've told him about it half a dozen times already.”

* * *

Tools of Trade.

A gentleman to whom an Irishman had applied for work asked if he knew anything about woodwork. Assured that the applicant knew everything about the carpentry trade, he said: “Well, can you make a Venetian blind?”

“It's a treat, sor, to see me at the job,” said the son of Erin.

“How would you do it, then?”

“Why, I'd just poke my finger in his eye, sor!”

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