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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 10, Issue 12 (March 2, 1936)

Wit And Humour

page 63

Wit And Humour

Confounding the Wise Men.

The following questions—part of a highly scientific intelligence test—are catch questions, supposed to be unanswerable until recently a bright young University of Iowa graduate confounded the scientists:

Q. 1. How long is a piece of string?

Q. 2. How far can a dog run into the woods?

A. 1. A piece of string is twice as long as the distance between its centre and eithèr end.

A. 2. A dog can run only halfway into the woods. After that he's running out of the woods.

* * *

Night-Shift.

“I shall have to put you fellows in the same room,” said the host.

“That's all right,” the guests replied.

“Well, I think,” said the host, “you'll have a comfortable night. It's a featherbed.”

At two o'clock in the morning one of the guests awoke his companion.

“Change places with me, Dick,” he groaned. “It's my turn to lie on the feather.”

* * *

Overheard.

Man (using road drill): “I wish you'd stop humming, George, you get on my nerves.”

* * *

An Appropriate Retort.

Chief Petty Officer: “The enemy are as thick as peas. What shall we do?”

Captain: “Shell 'em; shell 'em!”

* * *

Cutting it Fine.

First Farmer: “Which is correct—'A hen is sitting’ or 'a hen is setting’?”

Second Farmer: “I don't know, and I don't care. All I bother about is when she cackles—is she laying or is she lying?”

* * *

Professional Preoccupation.

Nurse (announcing the expected): “Professor, it's a little boy.”

Professor (absent-mindedly): “Well, ask him what he wants.”

No Laughing Matter.

Draper: “These are especially strong shirts, madam. They simply laugh at the laundry.”

Customer: “I know that kind; I had some which came back with their sides split.”

* * *

Clearing Up a Difficulty.

First Lady: “I dunno 'ow it is, but them Joneses always seems to be quarrellin’. I suppose it's six of one and half-a-dozen of the other.”

Second Lady: “Well, from wot I 'ear, Mrs. Smith, it's the other way about!”

(Courtesy Great Western Railway) The official water diviner making sure that there is water in the boiler before the commencement of a long run.

(Courtesy Great Western Railway)
The official water diviner making sure that there is water in the boiler before the commencement of a long run.

Seeking Information.

Lady: “How would you like a nice chop?”

Weary Tramp: “That all depends, lady. Is it lamb, pork, or wood?”

* * *

A Fair Warning.

Surveyor: “Yes, sir, the railway will run right through your barn.”

Farmer: “Well, just make sure of this. I ain't going to open and shut the door for every train for anybody.”

* * *

Tea and Cakes.

Alice: “My dear, those cakes of Mrs. Smith's at tea were hard as iron.”

Alice: “Yes, I know. I suppose that's why she said, ‘Take your pick,’ when she handed them round.”

In the Wrong Room.

Two men left a banquet together; they had dined exceptionally well.

“When you get home,” said one, “if you don't want to disturb your family, undress at the foot of the stairs, fold your clothes neatly and creep up to your room.”

The next day they met at lunch.

“How did you get on?” asked the adviser.

“Rotten!” replied the other. “I took off my clothes at the foot of the stairs, as you told me, and folded them up neatly. I didn't make a sound. But when I reached the top of the stairs—it was the railway station.”

* * *

One Thing Agreed On.

An old German and his wife were much given to quarrelling. One day, after à particularly unpleasant scene, the old woman remarked with a sigh:

“Veil, I vish I vas in heaven”

“I vish I vas in the beer garten,” groaned her husband.

“Ach, ja” cried the old wife, “always you pick out the best for yourself!”

* * *

The Straight and Narrow.

A Negro was being examined for a driver's license.

“And what is the white line in the middle of the road for?”

“Fo’ bicycles,” was the reply.

* * *

Historical Truth.

Teacher: “Johnny, who was Anne Boleyn?”

Johnny: “Anne Boleyn was a flat iron.”

Teacher: “What on earth do you mean?”

Johnny: “Well, it says here in the history book ‘Henry, having disposed of Catherine, pressed his suit with Anne Boleyn.’”

* * *

Persistent.

Peddler: “Any teapot spouts, pencils, pens, plates, or baskets to-day, mum?”

Lady of the House: “If you don't go away I'll call the police.”

Peddler, “Ere you are mum—whistles, sixpence each.”

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