The cockney child had just started school.

“Wot's yer name?” he was asked. “Fred!”

“Blimy! That ain't a nime—that's what yer muvver sews yer pants wiv!”

* * *

Fat Girl's Lament.

Twice around her thumb was once around her wrist.

Twice around her wrist was once around her neck.

Twice around her neck was once around her waist.

And twice around her waist was once around the block.

* * *

The Retort Courteous.

A professor was accosted by a little bootblack. “Shine your shoes, sir?”

The professor was disgusted by the dirt on the lad's face. “I don't want a shine, my lad,” he said, “but if you'll go and wash your face, I'll give you sixpence.”

“Righto, guvnor,” replied the boy, as he made his way to a neighbouring fountain. Soon he returned, looking much cleaner.

“Well my boy,” said the professor, “you have earned your sixpence; here it is.”

“I don't want your sixpence, guvnor,” replied the boy. “You 'ang on to it, and get your 'air cut.”

* * *

Excusable.

Two parsons were having lunch at a farm during the progress of anniversary celebrations connected with the Nonconformist church. The farmer's wife cooked a couple of chickens, saying that the family could dine on the remains after the visitors had gone. But the hungry parsons wolfed the chickens bare.

Later the farmer was conducting his guests round the farm when an old cock began to crow.

“Seems mighty proud of himself,” said one of the guests.

“No wonder,” growled the farmer, “he's got two sons in the ministry.”

Stumbling Block.

A Bostonian was showing a visiting Briton around. “This is Bunker Hill Monument—where Warren fell, you know.” The visitor surveyed the lofty shaft thoughtfully, and then said: “Nasty fall! Killed him, of course?”

* * *

Bite It.

A woman who was having a house built for her visited the site. Her keen eyes detected one of the bricklayers halving the bricks with his trowel. With a triumphant gleam in her eyes she approached him swiftly and said: “Isn't that rather a primitive way of cutting a brick in half?”

The man looked up, smiled and said: “Lor’, bless yer dear heart, lidy, there's a far more primitive way than this, believe me.”

“Really, and what's that?” she inquired.

“Biting it, lidy, biting it.”

* * *

Willie (After Breaking Window).

“I'll square things, Mr. Smaltz—I'll autograph the ball.”

* * *

The Latest.

“Now, boys,” said the teacher, “tell me the signs of the zodiac. You first, Thomas.”

“Taurus, the Bull.”

“Right! Now you, Harold, another one.”

“Cancer, the Crab.”

“Right again. And now it's your turn, Albert.”

The boy looked puzzled, hesitated a moment, and then blurted out: “Mickey, the Mouse.”

“Good heavens, Dorothy. The steering gear's gone, the throttle won't shut off and the brake's useless!”
“Well, don't fuss Walter—anyone would think you were driving the Bluebird!”

Explained.

Wife (at dance): “This is the twelfth time you've been to the refreshment buffet.”

Husband: “Oh, that's all right. I tell everybody I'm getting something for you.”

* * *

Cage Should Have Shutters.

Old Maid: “Has the canary had its bath yet?”

Servant: “Yes, ma'am. You can come in now.”

* * *

The Stationmaster's Lot.

The country stationmaster did not wear a uniform, and one day when the train came in, he stood at the platform gate to take the passengers’ tickets.

A pretty girl came up to him, and when he held out his hand for her ticket she seized it, gave it a tight squeeze, and followed this up by giving him a hearty kiss.

The stationmaster was surprised, but managed to say: “That's all very nice, Miss, but I want your ticket.”

“Oh,” replied the girl, with a blush, “aren't you Uncle John?”

* * *

Dangerous.