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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 10, Issue 6 (September 2, 1935)

Wit and Humour

page 49

Wit and Humour


“A man should always learn his station in life,” said the pompous gentleman in the carriage.

“So he should,” agreed his fellow passenger. “There's nothing so annoying as being carried on to the next one and having to take the train back.”

* * *


Visitor: I can't tell you how delighted I am, Mrs. Giles. My son Reggie has won a scholarshipt

Farmer's Wife: I can understand your feelings, ma'am. I felt just the same when our pig won a medal at the agricultural show.

* * *

Ready for the Offensive.

The Vicar: And so your daughter is about to marry. Do you really feel that she is ready for the battle of life?

Mrs. Jones: She should be ready. She's been in four engagements already.

* * *

Shadow of Calamity.

Bob was unable, through illness, to go to work on pay-day, so asked his work-mate, Mick, to get his wages and bring them along to his house. Late that night Mick arrived at Bob's house, looking rather serious.

“I've lost yer wages, Bob!” he said.

“Lost my wages?” began Bob.

But Mick interrupted him.

“Aye,” he blurted, “and I believe if I had gone on playing I should have lost my own.”

* * *

A Tense Moment.

First Castaway: “Good Heaven's, Cannibals!”

Second Castaway: “Now, now, don't get in a stew.”

* * *


“Wull ye hae a drink?” inquired the Scot.

“Thanks,” replied his English acquaintance, “I think I will.”

The Scot turned a disgusted eye on him. “Aye,” he said, “I thocht ye looked that sort.”

Sandy Figures it Out.

Sandy MacDonald and Maggie, his wife, stopped in front of a restaurant window in which was hung a card bearing the words: “Luncheon from 12 to 2 p.m., 1s. 6d.”

“We'll have our lunch here, Maggie,” said Sandy. “Two hours steady eating for one and sixpence is no sae bad.”

* * *


The young bride said sadly: “Men are too mean for anything.”

“What's the trouble now?” asked her best friend.

“Why, I asked John for a car today, and he said that I must be content with the splendid carriage that Nature had given me.”

* * *

Self Deception.

Insurance Agent: Would you mind telling me if there is any insanity in your family, madam?

Wife (a policy seeker): Well, not exactly. Only my husband thinks he's boss at home.

* * *

Not to be Touched.

Mistress (indicating cobweb): “Haven't you seen this?”

New Maid: “Yes'm; somefink to do wiv' your wireless, ain't it?”

Every little helps. “Got y'r weight down nicely, Herb?” “Yes; had me appendix out.”

Every little helps. “Got y'r weight down nicely, Herb?” “Yes; had me appendix out.”

Mystery Story.

Landlady: “What do you think the poet meant when he said, ‘The substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen’?”

Boarder: “Hash, probably.”

* * *

The Question Solved.

Doctor: “What is indigestion?”

Medical Student: “The result of trying to get a square meal into a round stomach.”

* * *

How Did He Duet?

Neighbour: “Where's your brother Freddie?”

Boy: “He's in the house playing a duet. I finished first.”

* * *

More to His Liking.

A wealthy Irishman, who wanted to “show off” before one of his less fortunate countrymen, invited him to dinner at a fashionable hotel in London.

“Now, Paddy, my bhoy,” he said, “I'm going to order everything of the best. You follow my lead.” The waiter arrived.

“We'll have a couple of cocktails to start with,” ordered the wealthy one.

A look of disappointment came over Paddy's face.

“Hi, waiter,” he said, “I won't have that! Bring me a wing and a bit of breast instead.”

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