He Forgot to Duck.

Judge: “Will you waive your right to appeal?”

Husband: “Don&t let her wave any more rights, Judge. That's how I got this black eye!”

* * *

Just What the Doctor Ordered.

“Good morning, Mrs. Kelly,” said the doctor, “did you take your husband's temperature, as I told you?”

“Yes, doctor, I borrowed a barometer and placed it on his chest; it said very dry' so I bought him a pint o' beer and he's gone back to work.”

* * *

Domestic Assets Pooled.

“She sings, plays the ‘cello, is a champion golfer and paints beautifully!”

“Well, if old George can cook a bit, they ought to get on very well together.

* * *

On Cows?

The county hall was packed while the dairy inspector lectured on “Cows that Pay.” Having concluded, he announced that, by way of an encore, he would give a short talk on “Cows that Won&t Pay.”

Suddenly at the back of the hall, the town grocer started clapping vigorously, shouting, “Give it to them, professor, the hall's full of them.”

* * *

He Got the Job.

The office manager was interviewing a waiting line of applicants for the job of office boy. Presently a very diminutive youth with a most alert manner was ushered in.

“Now, my boy,” said the manager, impressively, “I want a boy who is smart and neat—he must look around the office and note the things that need to be done. I'm tired of boys who never see what requries doing, and I'm determined to have a boy with some idea of fixing things the way they should be. Do you understand me?”

“Certainly, sir,” replied the applicant. “Shall I put your tie straight, sir?”

Overheard on the Grandstand.

Mrs. Brown (seeing Rugby scrum for the first time): “Oh, isn&t it terrible. Why, they'll kill my poor boy underneath there.”

Knowledgeable Daughter: “Don&t be silly, mother. George doesn&t mind it, he's unconscious by this time.”

* * *

Cleaver Expert.

“Why did you break your engagement to Tom?”

“He deceived me. He told me he was a liver and kidney specialist, and I found out that he only worked in a butcher's shop.”

* * *

Equine Sagacity.

“Would you mind walking the other w'y and not passing the ‘orse?” said a London cabman with exaggerated politeness to the fat lady who had just paid a minimum fare.

“Why?” she inquired.

“Because, if ‘e sees wot ‘e's been carryin’ for a shilling ‘e'll.'ave a fit.”

* * *

For Husbands Only.

Wife: “Don&t you think I have put too much salt in the soup, dear?”

Model Husband: “Not at all, darling. There is perhaps not quite enough soup for the salt, that's all.”

* * *

Comic Economies.

Housewife: You said I would find that coal an economical kind to buy. Why, it won&t burn at all.

Coalman: Well, ma'am, what could be more economical than that?

Professional Enthusiasm.
The Plumber (on holiday): “Blime! What a beautiful leak!”

Boys of the Old Brigade.

“Of course,” said Briggs, as he commenced to tackle the portion of chicken with his knife and fork, “I may be wrong, but it strikes me that this chicken—–”

“Well,” snapped the landlady tersely, “and what's the matter with the chicken, pray?”

Briggs shrugged his shoulders.

“Oh, nothing—nothing,” he said offhandedly. “I was going to say that it is quite evident that the bird was an off-spring of a hard-boiled egg.”

* * *

The Reason Why.

When an engine driver was asked why a locomotive is called “she” he said: They wear jackets with yokes, pins, shields and stays. They have aprons. Not only do they have shoes, but they sport pumps and even hose. They also attract men with puffs and mufflers. Then they need guiding, and they also need a man to feed them. And last, but not least, they all smoke.

* * *

Safety First.

Passenger: “Please, guard, will you help me out of the train?”

Guard: “Certainly, madam.”

Passenger: “You see, it's this way. Being rather stout, I have to get out backwards, and the porters always think I am getting in, so they push me back into the carriage and say, ‘‘Urry up, madam!’ I've passed four stations that way already!”