The Mirage.

Policeman's evidence in a drunkenness case at Tottenham, England:

“I saw him with one arm round a lamppost and with his other hand he was knocking the standard, shouting, ‘Open the door and let me in.’

“I told him that no one lived there, and he said, ‘You are a liar. There is a light upstairs.’”

* * *

No Sharp-Shooters.

“I see you have a notice, ‘We Aim to Please,”’ remarked the irritated customer to the chain store manager.

“Yes,” replied the manager, “that is our motto.”

“Well,” said the customer, “you ought to take a little time off for target practice.”

* * *

Who Wouldn't?

Two Irishmen were looking into a jewellery display window at a collection of diamonds. One said to the other: “Mike, how would you like to have your pick in there?”

“Begorra,” said Mike, “I would rather have my shovel.”

* * *

A Pointed Story.

A Wellington teacher the other day gave a lesson on the story of Cinderella, and then put some leading questions to the class to test their attention. After obtaining replies as to how the sisters were dressed, what the fairy god-mother did, and what the prince thought of the glass slipper, the final question was: “How does the story end?” The most finished reply came from the child who wrote: “The story ends with a full stop.”

A Free Translation.

Teacher (reading from Shakespeare): “‘Sometimes from her eyes I did receive fair speechless messages.’ Now, Jenny, tell me in your own words what that means.”

Jenny: “Please, Miss, it means she kept on giving him the glad eye.”

* * *

Proved.

Goldstein: “Wherever you go in the world you will always find we Jews are the leading people.”

McGregor: “Ach, mon, how aboot the North Pole?”

Goldstein: “Vell, Iceberg ain't no Scotch name.”

* * *

Technical Evidence.

“How did the explosion happen?”

“Mother says it was too much yeast, but father thinks it was too little sugar.”

Force Of Habit.
“The absent-minded railway porter takes the twins out on Sunday morning.”