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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 6, Issue 6 (December 1, 1931)

Wit and Humour

page 63

Wit and Humour

Pat Mixed.

An Irishman got a job at a railway station. When the first train came in, however, he forgot the name of the station; so he called out: “Here ye are for where ye are going. All in there for here, come out.”

* * *

The Language Test.

Indignant wife (to home-coming husband): “What does the clock say?”

Husband: “It shays ‘tick-tock,’ and doggies shay ‘bow-wow,’ and cows ‘moo-moo,’ and little pussy cats shay ‘meow-meow.’ Now, are you shatisfied?”

* * *

Doesn't Know His Bugs.

Customer: “What's this in my soup?”

Waiter: “Don't ask me, sir. I don't know one insect from another.”

“Bulletin” (Sydney).

* * * *

Popular?

“Hard-working little wife you've got, Bill,” said the traveller to the small shopkeeper as he watched the man's busy wife in the shop.

“My word, yes!” replied the shopkeeper. “I only wish I ‘ad a couple more like ‘er.”

* * *

Try Again, Please.

An Englishman named Harrison was engaged in a telephone conversation and having difficulty in getting the other party to understand his name, was asked to spell it out. He said, “My name is ‘Arrison’, a haitch, a hay, two hars, a hi, a hess, a ho and a hen, ‘Arrison.’”

Terrible.

Things looked very busy at the offices of Messrs. Solomons and Cohen. For three whole days the partners had been poring over books and feverishly adding up columns of figures. Then, at the end of it all, a wail of despair escaped the lips of Mr. Solomon.

“Ach, Cohen,” he cried, “vot a vaste, vot a vaste! We have given the bookkeeper a veek's holiday, and his books vas right, after all!”

* * *

When a freak show visited Aberdeen, the fasting lady was overwhelmed with offers of marriage.

* * *

All Present!

Speaker: “And where, I ask you, is Julius Caesar? Where is Attila the Hun? Where are Moses, Oliver Cromwell, Charlemagne, Hannibal?”

Enthusiastic Usher: “Stand up, boys, so's the gentleman can see you.”

The Lure Of The Rail. Christmas Morn—or why Father Christmas missed his appointments.

The Lure Of The Rail.
Christmas Morn—or why Father Christmas missed his appointments.

page 64