Mrs. Malaprop.

A dear old lady had returned from her first visit to France. “What impressed you most?” she was asked.

“Well,” she replied, after a moment or two's thought, “I think it was the French pheasants singing the mayonnaise.”

* * *

So Very Simple.

Mrs. Murphy was the proud possessor of twin boys, and whilst taking them out in the park, ran across her neighbour, Mrs. Casey.

“Arrah,” said the latter, “an’ it's a perfect pair o’ boys they are; but tell me, how do you manage to tell one from the other? For divil a bit of difference can I see between them.”

Her friend smiled as she rocked her children to and fro in their monster pram.

“Ah,” she replied, “it's quite easy, for, you see, little Mike has a tooth comin’ up and Tim hasn't. So I put my finger in Tim's mouth, an’ if he bites, why, then, it's Mike.”

* * *

Domestic War.

“Yes, sir, I believe big wars are often caused by the smallest matters,” ruminated Old Man Jones. “Things that a fellow thinks don't amount to a darn will sometimes pile up a mountain of trouble. Why, just the other night my wife was working over a crossword puzzle and she looked up and said, ‘What's a female sheep?’ And I said, ‘Ewe.’ And there was another big war on.”

Tommy's Knowledge.

Teacher: “How many wars was Spain engaged in during the seventeenth century?”

Tommy: “Seven, sir.”

Teacher: “Seven? Please enumerate them.”

Tommy: “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.”

* * *

Exploiting an Asset.

A small boy called on the doctor one evening. “Say, Doctor, I've got the measles, but I can keep it quiet.”

The doctor looked up, puzzled, and finally asked the boy what he meant by that.

“Oh!” suggested the small patient, “What'll you give me to go to school and scatter it among all the rest of the kids?”

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