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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 5, Issue 2 (June 2, 1930)
Wit and Humour
Wit and Humour
Take a Breath.
Mrs. Brown gave a kettle to the local tinker to mend. Here is the conversation, try to read it aloud:—
“Are you copper bottoming ’em?”
“No, I'm aluminiuming ’em, mum.”
* * *
Relations.
Tommy (reading paper): “Daddy, what are diplomatic relations?”
Father: “There are no such people, my boy.”
* * *
Dad Knew.
“Hadn't you better go and tell your master?” said the motorist to the farmer's boy who stood looking at the load of hay upset in the lane by a collision.
“’E knows,” replied the boy.
“Knows? How can he know?”
“’Cos ’e's under the ’ay.”
* * *
No Waste.
A Scotsman, having heard of the wonderful results obtained by being able to rejuvenate, decided to have a course of this monkey gland extract.
He had to make a long railway journey, and at the station booking office he asked for a single ticket.
When asked if he would take a return ticket, the Scotsman replied, “No, I may come back as a child.”
* * *
A Fish Story.
Angler (at conclusion of story): “Yes, it was rather awkward getting it home. You see, I had to order a bogie timber wagon.”
Platform Humour.
Reveller (on railway station, gazing at barometer): “Can you see the time by the clock?”
His Friend: “Eight shtone four.”
Reveller: “That'sh done it. I've missed my train.”
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Altering the Colour Scheme.
“What do you think of these British footballers, Pita?”
“By chove! I t'ink t'ey might make t’ Orra Bracks go white, but when t'ey meet t’ Maori I t'ink t’ Britisher go brue.”
* * *
Suspicious!
A certain officer was being court-martialed for absenting himself from first parade and with having been intoxicated the night before.
He made strenuous efforts to prove that he was sober, and his batman, called as a witness, tried loyally to back him up.
“Was Lieutenant Smith quite normal when he returned to his quarters last night?” he was asked.
“Yessir!”
“Did he give you the usual instructions to wake him for parade?”
“Yessir! He said: ‘Be sure and call me early.’”
“Did he give you any particular reason for that?”
“Well, he said, because—because he was to be Queen of the May!”
* * *
Business is Business.
Cohen pulled out a pistol and put it in Rosenstein's face. Just as he was about to fire, Rosenstein said:
“How much do you vant for the gun?”
Cohen, in telling the story, said: “And how could I kill a man ven he was talking business?”