When the Aberdeen Express Goes By.

There was a circus in Newcastle. Two little fellows had a threepenny piece each, but the admission was sixpence. One of them had a bright idea: “Let's put them on the railway line and get them flattened out,” he said, “and they'll look like sixpences.” So they placed them on the line and waited till a train passed, but alas! when they went to get the coins there was nothing there. The train happened to be the Aberdeen Express.

* * *

Give Him Casey's.

A ganger received the following note from one of his men: “I'm sending in the accident report on Casey's foot when he struck it with the spike maul. Now under ‘Remarks,’ do you want mine or do you want Casey's?”

* * *

A Little Bit off the Top.

A farmer once said that “he ear-marked his hogs by cutting a piece off their tails.”

* * *

Matter of Experience.

“You know,” said the woman whose motor car had run down Jim Brown, “you must have been walking carelessly. I am a very careful driver. I have been driving a car for seven years.”

“Lady, you have nothing on me. I have been walking for over fifty years.”

* * *

Opportunity Knocks.

He: “Darling, is it yet the psychological moment to ask your crabbed old dad for your hand?”

She: “It is my hero—he is sitting in his stocking feet.”

Schoolboy Howlers.

Melba—where Napoleon was imprisoned.

A circle is a round straight line with a hole in the middle.

The liver is situated south of the stomach.

A vacuum is nothing shut up in a box. They have a way of pumping out the air. When all the air and everything else is shut out, naturally they are able to shut in nothing, where the air was before.

Algebra was the wife of Euclid.

Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin, oxygin is pure gin, hydrogin is gin and water.

A magnet is a thing you find in a bad apple.

Explain the word “buttress.” A woman who makes butter.

The masculine of lass is ass.

Imports are ports very far inland.

Coal is decayed vegetarians.

* * *

Polite Exchanges.

“Your father couldna’ pass the doctor,” said one boy to another. “Ach, that's naethin,” was the retort. “Your father couldna’ pass a public-hoose.”

* * *

Dorothy: “My baby brother is going to be a great ladies’ man.”

Margie: “Why do you think so?”

Dorothy: “He got hold of my doll yesterday and chewed her complexion off.”

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