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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 3, Issue 6 (October 1, 1928)

Joke Wit And Humour

page 47

Joke Wit And Humour

One Among a Hundred.

Lady to over-worked porter on crowded railway station platform: “Did ye see a wee tin box?”

Porter (glaring): “Did I see a wee tin box? Did I see a hundred wee tin boxes?”

* * *

Failed to Hold It.

The station master, hearing a crash on the platfrom, rushed out of his room just in time to see the Express disappear around the curve, and a disheveled young man sprawled out perfectly flat among a confusion of overturened milk-cans, and the scattered contents of his travelling bag.

“Was he trying to catch the train?” the stationmaster asked of a small boy who stood by, admiring the scene.

“He did catch it,” said the boy happily, “but it got away again.”

* * *

Genuine.

“And you say you guarantee these canaries?”

“Guarantee them? Why, madam, I raised them from canary seed!”

* * *

Startling result of the wrong bag being brought from his car by the absent-minded doctor!

Startling result of the wrong bag being brought from his car by the absent-minded doctor!

Missing the Point.

When an Irish soldier, home on leave from the war, was asked what had struck him most in France, he replied it was the number of bullets that had missed him.

* * *

One for Finnegan.

Two Irish friends greeted each other while waiting their turn at the bank window.

“This reminds me of Finnegan,” remarked one. “What about Finnegan?” inquired the other. “Tis a story that Finnegan died, and when he greeted St. Peter he said, ‘It's a fine job you've had here for a long time.’ ‘Well, Finnegan,’ said St. Peter, ‘here we count a million years as a minute and a million pounds as a penny.’ ‘Ah!’ said Finnegan, ‘I'm needing cash. Lend me a penny.’ ‘Sure,’ said St. Peter, ‘Just wait a minute.’”

* * *

Blame the Printer.

Diner: “Waiter there's a button in my soup.”

Waiter (ex-printer): “Typographical error, sir; it should be ‘mutton’.”

* * *

A Miscalculation.

First Doctor: “Tell me, Doc, have you ever made a serious mistake in diagnosis?”

Second Doctor: “Yes, once. I told a man he had a touch of indigestion. Afterwards I found he was rich enough to have had appendicitis.”

* * *

Going Too Far.

Brought into Court for assault, a London “lidy” gave her version of the scrap, as follows: “It was like this your worship. She says to me, ‘You're no lidy!’ she says and I smiled contempshus. Then she says, You're an outrageous female!' she says, and I larfs scornful like. And then, ‘You're a woman,’ she says, an' I lets her’ ave the soapsuds in her fice. Ow'd you like to be called a woman, yer worship?”