Other formats

    TEI XML file   ePub eBook file  


    mail icontwitter iconBlogspot iconrss icon

The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 3, Issue 1 (May 1, 1928)

Wit And Humour

page 35

Wit And Humour

A Moving Sight.

A man arrived at a house to take an inventory of the furniture. He was so long over his task in the dining room that the lady of the house came to see what had happened.

She opened the door and saw him lying asleep in a chair. By his side was an empty decanter. But he had not forgotten his inventory. At the top of the page was a solitary entry: “Revolving carpet, one,”

* * *

Batsman: Garn, ‘twasn't leg before—it hit me wrong leg. Bowler: “All right then, show us the bruise.” (from “Passing Show)

Batsman: Garn, ‘twasn't leg before—it hit me wrong leg. Bowler: “All right then, show us the bruise.”
(from “Passing Show)

How Not To Say It.

Sir James Percy gives the following examples of “howlers” made by famous politicians:—

Mr. Gladstone (in the House): “It is no use for the honourable member to shake his head in the teeth of his own words.”

Joseph Chamberlain: “The honourable member (Dr. Clarke) did not want the truth. He asked for facts.”

Mr. Parnell: “Gentlemen, it seems unanimous that we cannot agree.”

Ramsey MacDonald: “… the empty grave where our ruined industries lie.”

Not His Job

An old woman who had called in the doctor to give her treatment for a cold was somewhat grumpy when she found that her own doctor had been unable to come and had sent a young deputy. After questioning and examining the patient, the young doctor nodded wisely and said: “Ah, I know what's the matter with you. You are suffering from nasal catarrh.” The old woman looked disgustedly at the doctor. “Hoots, man,” she said, “I sent for you to cure ma cauld—no’ to christen it.”


Two costermongers visited the British Museum, and were looking at the statue of a Roman Gladiator. One of his arms was broken off, his left leg ended at the knee, his helmet was battered, and there was several chips on the face of the warrior. Underneath the statue was an inscription, “Victory.”

“I say, Jack,” said one of the costers, “if that there feller won, what must ha’ been the state of the chap wot lorst?”

* * *

A Brave Deed.

A notorious boaster was silenced by a little man, who said: “I'm afraid I haven't much to relate. I once had a nasty time in Africa. A lion sprang out at me and I was unarmed.”

“What on earth did you do?” asked his hearers.

“Oh, I just seized his upper jaw with my right hand and his lower jaw with my left, and held his mouth open till be starved.”

* * *

To every person comes his day,
So calmly wait your chance—
Pedestrians have the right of way
When in the ambulance.

* * *

Why Not?

Gentle hands were lifting him from the wreckage of his automobile, which had just been struck at a grade crossing by a fast passenger train.

“How did it happen?”

“Tis more than I can understand. Ye'd have thought that the engine-driver could have seen me comin’ in broad daylight.”