No Need For Thanks.

During the recent strike in England the volunteer driver of the London-Liverpool express performed the miraculous feat of bringing the great train into Liverpool twenty-five minutes ahead of schedule time. The passengers went forward in a body to thank him. A pale green face emerged from the cab. “Don'st thank me,” he gasped; “thank God; I only found out how to stop this thing ten minutes ago.”

Guarding The Gang.

Ganger returning by train after an hour's absence from his gang, saw the Inspector of Permanent Way in the guard's van. Fearing that in his absence his gang might not be doing their best when the Inspector of Permanent Way passed, he wrote a note and threw it out to his men as the train went through. The note was-“The Inspector is on this train, so look out. P. S.: Do not pick up this note until the train has passed, in case he sees you.”

A Scotsman after purchasing a railway ticket, counted his change so often that the booking clerk asked him if his change was not correct. “Aye,” says Scottie, “its ric'sht, but it's only just ric'sht, mind ye.”

Did You Ever-?

Dentist: “Yes, it will have to come out.”

Hector: “And what is the chair-rge for extr-raction?”

Dentist: “Seven-and-six.”

Hector: “Ech! Hoo much wad it be tae juist loosen it?”

“Your husband has given up smoking. That needed a strong will!”

“Yes. I have one!”

A Girl's Essay On Boys.

Boys are sort of men that have not got as big as their papas. Therefore boys must have been made before men. Girls are women that will be ladies by-an-by. Man was made before women. He was called Adam. But man was not perfect. So Eve was made. Eve has been liked so much better than Adam that there have been more women than men ever since.

Boys are a trouble. They wear out everything but soap. If I had my way half the world would be girls and the rest dolls. Except my papa. He is so nice that I think he must have been a little girl when he was a little boy.

Proverbial.

Tramp: “You know the sayin', mum: ‘He that giveth to the poor lendeth to the Lord.”’

Mrs. Subbubs: “Very true. And since you speak in proverbs, I'sll refer you to another old saw.”

Tramp: “What one is dat, mum?”

Mrs. S.: “The one back in the woodshed.”

First Actor: “Good joke that, eh, what!”

Second Actor: “Rather. The first time I heard it I laughed till the tears ran down my pinafore.”