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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 2, Issue 3 (July 1, 1927)

Wit and Humour

page 32

Wit and Humour

Two Actors!

Actor, leaning out of train, to old man tapping wheels: “Ah, still working-that's fine-and at your age.”

Old Man: “Aye. Been at this job for forty years now-and my father at the same job twenty years before me.”

Actor: “That's very interesting-and, tell me, why do you tap the wheels?”

Old Man: “Well, sir, to tell you the truth, I'm durned if I know.”

Traveller (by way of conversation).“I suppose you've clipped a good many tickets in your time?” Collector. “Ah! I shouldn't like to say 'ow many I ave clipped.” Traveller. “Well. I must say you clip them extraordinarily well.”

Traveller (by way of conversation).“I suppose you've clipped a good many tickets in your time?”
Collector. “Ah! I shouldn't like to say 'ow many I ave clipped.” Traveller. “Well. I must say you clip them extraordinarily well.”

* * *

Some Schoolboy “Howlers.”

Lord Raleigh was the first man to see the Invisible Armada.

Shakespeare founded “As You Like It” on a book previously written by Sir Oliver Lodge.

Tennyson wrote “In Memorandum.”

King Edward IV. had no geological right to the English throne.

George Eliot left a wife and children to mourn his genii.

Louis XVI. was gelatined during the French Revolution.

And angle is a triangle with only two sides.

Algebraical symbols are used when you don't know what you are talking about.

The whale is an amphibious animal because it lives on land and dies in the water.

A parallelogram is a figure made of four parallel straight lines.

Horse power is the distance one horse can carry a pound of water in an hour.

Transformation.

He: “Who is that handsome boy with the cropped head?”

She: “That's my cousin Betty.”

He: “And the blonde man with the monocle?”

She: “That's my younger sister, Lu.”

He, laughing but embarrassed: “So I suppose the other young man in the dinner jacket is your elder sister?”

She: “No; that's my grandmother!”

* * *

She Needed Them All.

There are 250,000 words in the English language, and most of them were used last Sunday by a lady who discovered after coming out of church that her new hat was adorned with a tag on which was written: “Reduced to 13/-.”

* * *

Tongue Slip.

“I am sorry,” said the speaker, “to see so many absent faces I used to shake hands with.”

* * *

More Oppression.

“I 'ear Bill ‘Awkins is suin’ the company fer damages.”

“Why, wot 'ave they done to 'im?”

“They blew the quittin' whistle when 'e was carryinn' a 'eavy bit o' wood an' 'e dropped it on 'is foot.”