page 8

The Zealous Zoombies

Act II. Scene 1.

(The scene is the office of 'Jonnalio's Weakly'. On the rear curtain is hung a notice which reads: 'Jonnalio's Weakly. Don't worry about meat rationing - buy threepence worth of tripe.' Jonnalio is [unclear: ittin] sitting at a desk, which is littered with papers and empty bottles. A crowd of Blondies surrounds Jonnalio - some on his knee, others on the arm of his chair, etc. To the rear left, a sort of box-like contraption is seen, inside which Aplop and Hisleton are parked. This structure is labelled 'The Mares Nest', and in the front of it are two pigeon holes, with slides, like a ticket box in a theatre, through which Aplop and Hisleton occasionally poke their heads.

Song - Jonnalio, with Chorus of Blondies

(Air - 'Hidle-oh-boy)

It's the fault of the cockie
The country is rocky
And that is the reason the trains are so slow;
I'll fill up the scenery
With modern machinery -
The powerful and potent Jonnalio!

Chorus
Sing manufacture or perish, my hearties!
Sing, debt-free money wherever we go
He'll slaughter the bosses
This mighty collosus
The Powerful and PotentJonnalio!

Throughout Waydown Undah
I rage and I thunder
The Bolsheviks deadly inscrutable foe;
The masses rejoice
At the musical voice
Of the Powerful and Potent Jonnalio!

Chorus Sing, Manufacture etc.

I'll rescue the nation
From the jaws of inflation
And limitless credit on all will bestow;
This quite indescribable
Almost unbribable
Powerful and Potent Jonnalio!

Chorus Sing, Manufacture etc.

(During the last chorus, Jonnalio executes a dance. Applause from the Blondies.)

Blondies.

Is'nt he marvellous? Wonderful! Encore! Encore! etc.

Jonnalio:

No, girls, I'm sorry. Not again. I'm a little hoarse.

1st Blondie:

Oh, but such a dear little horse! Come on, Jonnalio darling - sing us another song. What's that lovely one you sing? -you know - that one that begins 'Up to my neck in Flanders mud, I stood, and almost gave my blood!

2nd Blondie:

Oh no. We're gatting sick of that one. Sing your favourite - 'Then Mr Schramm is too'.

3rd Blondie:

What about that one - 'Since the election' -

Jonnalio:

Oh, Aplop and Histleton'll sing that one for you. They did'nt get in, either

(Aplop and Histleton inside the Mares Nest, fling up the Ticket-box slides and push their heads out. They sing, to the air of 'The Mountains of Mourne', the following couplet.)

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page 9 Aplop and Histleton:

Oh, since the elections, I wish I could be,

Where the slums of Dunedin sweep down to the sea!

(They withdraw their heads and shut the slides down with a bang.)

Jonnalio:

Come, girls, a truce to this foolery. This week's issue of Jonnalio's Weakly must go to press at once. Did you get that new dictionary of slang for me?

Ist Blondie:

(Handing him an enormous volume) Here you are, Sir.

Jonnalio:

(Looking at it) Yes, this is'nt bad at all. It'll give me enough new names to call the Communists for about three issues. Let's see - ('slinkers' - (twisters' - political lice' - 'morons' 'wreckers' -. Yes, that's not bad at all. I can make a good article out of these.

2nd Blondie:

Shall I give the printer his instructions, Sir?

Jonnalio.

Yes please. I think we'll alter the order of the paper's contents this week. Instead of starting off with 'the political boss-caste and their yes-men satellites', we'll finish up with it. And only refer to Mr Razor's ststatement about my 'mud, jungle and fox-hole methods' twice instead of three times as usual. By Trotsky, I've got an idea! A slogan for the front page that'll really rock 'em! Listen to this -

Bungle, bungle, bungle!

Mud, foxhole and jungle!

Blondies:

Marvellous! What a genius! etc, etc.

Jonnalio:

It does'nt matter much about the rest of the paper. Just tell the printer to shuffle the sentences round a bit. And by the way, we must try to find another supporter. The one we've got forgot to write last week, and poor old Bugless is just about at the end of his tether.

Aplop and Histleton

(flinging up the slide, singing:)

Which accounts for the hump on the camel

And the sphinx's inscrutable smile. (They disappear)

Jonnalio:

(To Aplop and Histleton) Here you two, shut up! If you don't behave yourselves, I'll put you into stud!

Aplop and Histleton:

(Reappearing - bashfully) Oh, Jonnalio! (They disappear)

(Enter Scrimeourella disconsolately, dressed as in the pantomine. (The orchestra plays 'The Stranger of Galilee')

Jonnalio:

Why my dear Scrimeourella! What's the matter?

Scrimeourella:

Oh, Jonnalio, I am so miserable! Ever since I became the Girl in the Street, because of my bad record, I have been wandering around like a disembodied soul. Is'nt that a sad thought?

Jonnalio:

Scrimeourella, there is only one hope for you. Join my Party - the Soldier-Maori-Farmer-Capitalist-Democratic Labour Party

Scrimeourella

Oh, I couldn't!

Jonnalio:

You know you would have joined us if you'd beaten Mr. Razor at the last election. Come, Scrimeourella, my pretty - help to lessen their garbage - can cacophany! Their abuse is as music in my ears. They have no policy but abuse! Oh, let the wolf pack snarl. Let them turn on the gas in the lethal chamber! Jonnalio will, tomorrow, and tomorrow and tomorrow, and tomorrow fight for Waydown Undah! Let the Communists quail and the Catholics cower, the Tories tremble and the Labourites languish -together we will fight for Waydown Undah! Marry me, Scrimeourella!

page 10 Aplop and Histleton

(as before - singing)

No, no, a hundred times no,

Said the centipede crossing her legs. 'They disappear)

Scrimeourella:

(Bashfully) Oh, Jonnalio, this is so sudden!

Jonnalio

Come, Scrimeourella - marry me. Let us both become M.P.'s

Scrimeourella

You tempt me, Jonnalio - you tempt me!

Duet - Jonnalio and Scrimeourella

(Air - 'An Actor's Life for Me')

Jonn, and Scr.	Hi diddle de dee An M.P's life for me You get the run of Bellamy's And pleasant trips across the seas Hi diddle de di! You've got to learn to lie, And if your wife or mother lacks The wherewithal to back the hacks You just increase the income tax - An M.P.'s life for me.
Chorus	And if your wife or mother, lacks et.
Jonn, and Scr.	Hi diddle de dee, An M.P.'s life for me! You get a car that calls at four With petrol coupons by the score - Hi diddle de do! You re on the radio The bars are open after six, And if you're landed in a fix You blame it on the Bolsheviks - An M.P.'s life for me!
Chorus	The bars are open after six, etc.

(Aplop and Histleton emerge from the Mares' Nest during the Chorus, and come down stage. Aplop is wearing his chain of office.)

Aplop and Histelton:	Hi didle de dee, A mare's life for me! You run the buses and the trams, The milk supply, the baths and dams; Hi diddle de deh! The Council meets to-day! Our dignity can't be denied, We take the City in our stride, And thus maintain the civic pride - A mare's life for me!
Chorus.	Their dignity can't be denied - etc.

(Aplop and Histleton, Jonnalio and Scrimeourella jitterbug during this chorus)

John and Scr.	Hi diddle de dee An M.P.'s life for me! You pass a host of lovely acts And make some pretty little pacts - Hi diddle de dee! The life's completely free! And if you like to learn to jaw, Then when you've served a year or more They make you an ambassador! An M.P.'s life for me!
Chorus.	And if you like to learn to jaw, etc.

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page 11 Scrimeourella:

But what outs little horses. Who are they?

Jonnalio

This is Aplop. This is Histleton. Mares, meet Scrimeourella.

(The mares shake hands with Scrimeourella.)

Jonnalio.

Aplop sometimes gets bogged in the Myers, but apart from that, both of them are sound in wind and limb.

Scrimeourella

(feeling their hindquarters). Yes, they certainly have their points.

Aplop

(Giggling) Don't please! I'm ticklish.

Histleton

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's hocks.

Scrimeourella

Are you the people that send out those little yellow notices about rates?

(Aplop and Histleton rush into the Mares Nest, fling up the slides, and sing the following duet operatically.)

Duet - Aplop and Histlteton

(Air - 'humoresque')

The loyal occupier pays
His rates within the fourteen days
Prescribed in all our dinky rate demands;
We don't want to send you blisters
So we hope you will assist us
[unclear: by] joyously obeying our commands
We write a letter to you,
And finally we sue you,
and add on ten per cent if you don't Play the Game
The loyal occupier pays
His rates within the fourteen days
Prescribed in all our dinky rate demands!

(Chords. Enter, melodramatically, Sidi Ben Olland, the Bare Bodkir the Artful Doidger, and the Bulgie Zombie, followed by the rest of the Zombies.

The Blondies rush over and examine the Zombies with interest. Sidi and his henchmen come forward.)

Sidi Ben Olland

Do I see, beside that feller
The luscious, lovely Scrimeourella?
My head's awhirl! My heart's on fire!
Oh, bottomless is my desire!
Alas that I should love her so
Since I heard her on the radio!

Jonnalio:

Sidi, you and your Zombies are just in time! Scrimeourella and I have just become engaged. We're going to get married tomorrow.

Sidi Ben Olland

(Aside - dramatically)

Engaged! And getting hitched tomorrow

To this rapscallion! Oh, horror!

(To Jonnalio)

Jonnalio, you're getting worse -

You can no longer speak in verse.

Of etiquette be more observant!

(To scrim)

Sweet Scrimeourella, I'm your servant. (He bows)

Jonnalio

Forgive me - I am just an amateur
At the iambic and pentameter.
It's harder than my expectations
To rhyme my lurid imprecations.

(The Zombies Groan)

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page 12 Scrimeourella

Sidi, please forgive me not speaking in verse. I can never get the damned lines to scan. But Sidi, don't believe Jonnalio when he says we're engaged. Its entirely his idea.

Jonnallio:

(Mournfully) It was a very good idea, though.

Sidi

Sweet Scrimgorella, could it be
That you would deign to marry me?

Scrimeourella

Oh, I do not know which I you to choose! Its so embarassing - just like when the Marines were here!

Trio - Sidi Jonnalio and Scrimeourella with Chorus of Blondies and Zombies

(Air - 'If Sahpir I Choose to Marry' -'Patience')

Scrimgeourella

(Taking Jonnalio)

If Jonnalio I marry
And for Parliament he strives,
I shall emulate Dubarry
With the representatives.

(Scrimgeourella dances with Jonnalio; Sidi dances alone.)

Sidi (dancing alone)

I shall be extremely jealous
And will live a celibate
If the scrumptious Scrimgeourella's
Going to be another's mate.

Chorus

If the scrumptious Scrimgeourella's
Going to be another's mate.

Scrimgeourella (Taking Sidi)

If on Sidi I determine,
I'll be decked in priceless pearls;
I will often err in ermine
And cavort with belted earls.

(Scrimgeourella dances with Sidi; Jonnalio dances alone.)

Jonnalio

I shall be extremely jealous
And will live a celibate,
If the scrumptious Scrimgeourella's
Going to be another's mate.

The Bulgie Zombie

(Coming forward)

As a legal luminary
An idea occurs to me;
You'd escape from this quandary
By committing bigamy.

(Scrimgeourella, Jonnalio and Sidi dance together.)

Zombies

We shall all be very jealous
Of this great triumvirate,
When the scrumptious Scrimgeourella's
Taken each of them as mate!

All.

When the scrumptious Scrimgeourella's
Taken each of them as mate!

Sidi

Bare Bodkin - go! Announce the banns!

(The Bare Bodkin salaams and exits.)

Sidi

Now friends, let's formulate our plans.

(The Zombies gather round conspiratorally. Chords.)

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page 13 Sidi

To gain our ends, you will agree
We must foment disunity!
With Waydown Undah split in twain
We'll soon climb back to power again.
So let our fighting slogan be:
'Disunity! Disunity!'

All

Yes, let our fighting slogan be
'Disunity, Disunity!

Sidi

We must divide, wherever they are
The Maori from the Pakeha,
The free men from the bloke in jug,
The working farmer from the plug,
The soldier from his working brother,
And, set them one against the other.

All

Then let our fighting slogan be
'Disunity, Disunity!

Sidi

And then we must, I would suggest
Foment industrial unrest.
The mine, the factory, the wharf
Just need a spark to set them off.
By these and other lewd devices
Provoke a Parliamentary crisis!

All

Then let our fighting slogan be
'Disunity, Disunity!

Sidi

Bring back the troops from overseas
To man depleted factories!
And give our precious press the tip
To howl about the censorship!

(Whispers)

[unclear: our strength is as the strength of ten]
[unclear: It we subverb the furlough men!]

All

Then let our fighting slogan be

Aplop and Hisleton (Appearing suddenly)

'Disunity, Disunity!! (The Mares disappear)

Jonnalio

I shall head the commissariat
To fool the leftist proletariat.

Sidi

Then Zombies come! To arms, to arms!
We are not scared of war's alarms.
To work, then Zombies! Lead the way
For dead Reaction's on its way.

The Zombies march off triumphantly, followed by the Blondies. After a moment, Aplop and Hisleton emerge from the Mares Nest and look round cautiously.)

Aplop

(turning to Hisleton)

At last, my friend, we are alone;
With you I wish to pick a bone.

Hisleton

And I, sweet Aplop, have a few
That I desire to pick with you.

Both (speaking together)

In public our contempt we hide
We help maintain the civic pride,
But when secluded from our flock,
We rend each other hock from hock.

Aplop (Dramatically)

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page 14 (Aplop)

By listening to the radio,
I found the soap that stops B.O.;
I take my Kruschens' for neurosis,
And Colgates cures my halitosis;
In short, I've found a remedy
For every plague on earth - but thee!
Alas poor Aplop, Wretched wight,
Your vision haunts me day and night.
And when I don my golden chain
And comb with care my silver mane,
And go to greet with stiff civility
Some passing foreign notability -
Then in the middle of my speech,
Your face looms up, and makes me retch!
You grin and groan in grotesque attitudes
And thus play havoc with my platitudes.

Hisleton

It serves you right, you wicked worm!
You should'nt seek another term.
You've kept too long the city's coffers -
Resign, and let me take your office.

Aplop (Horrified)

Surrender all the power I've won
To such a louse as Hisleton?
To stave off such a cataclysm,
I'd die, or turn to Communism.

Hisleton

May Satan on his fiery coals
Roast you and all your little foals!

Aplop

Vain and vaunting vapid varlet!

Hisleton

Horrid hateful helpless harlot!

Aplop

Liar!

Hisleton

Villian!

Aplop

Vermin!

Hisleton

Traitor!

Aplop

Twister!

Hisleton

Crawler!

Aplop.

Violater!

Aplop

These insults hurt me something cruel.
So choose your seconds for a duel!

Hisleton

But why proceed with such formality?
I'll fight you now, in this locality.

Aplop

On guard then, monster! When I've done
You'll rue these insults, Hisleton!

(The two mares rush at one another and begin to fight after the manner of stags. Suddenly a blare of trumpets is heard, followed by the orchestra playing the air of the Councillor's Chorus. The two mares stop fighting abruptly, remaining however in their clinch.

Aplop

But stop! I hear the trumpets bray.
The City Council meets today!
The Councillors are drawing near
We'll have to call it off, I fear.
So let's away, my comrade staunch.

Hisleton (Coldly)

Remove your foreleg from my haunch.' Aplop does so Both

In public our contempt we hide
To help maintain the civic pride,
But when secluded from our flock
We rend each other hock from hock.

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page 15 Hisleton (with exaggerated politeness)

Come, let's be off. You lead the way.

Aplop

(Ditto) No, Hisleton - you lead, I pray. (They bow to one another)

Hisleton

Dear Aplop, with remorse I'll burst
If you don't make your exit first.

Aplop

Dear Hisleton, I must insist!

Hisleton

I beg you, darling, to desist!

(The centre curtains begin to close. There should be at least twelve foot between these curtains and the footlights.)

Aplop

But, Hisleton, it would'nt do
For me to trot in front of you.

(The curtains close up entirely, and we do not hear Hisleton's rejoinder. From the blare of the trumpets, the orchestra has been playing, and just before the curtains close, the tramp of marching feet is heard, coming nearer and nearer. When the centre curtains are completely closed, the Chorus of Corpulent Councillors walks in to the music. The Councillors are all very fat and decrepit old men (with one woman taking up the rear) - Mrs Phlox Gillyflower). All the men have extremely long beards. The only Councillors who need to be made up to represent specific individuals are -Mr Cluckie, Mr Tight, Mr Thievright, and Mrs Phlox Gillyflower; This means that the Zombies' Chorus can double with the Councillors)

Chorus of Corpulent Councillors

(Air - 'Coming in on a Wing and a Prayer')

Coming in With a fatherly air,
With the Old Grey Mare in the chair;
We are all in accord,
With our trust in the Lord
Coming in with a fatherly air.

Coming in with a fatherly air,
For our fair city's burdens we bear;
And whenever we meet,
How we bluster and bleat!
Coming in with a fatherly air.

Yippee ay!
We're away!
We'll distribute lots of bullswool here today!

Coming in with a fatherly air;
Our meeting is a fatuous affair;
As we rollick and romp
With municipal pomp,
Coming in with a fatherly air!

(The Corpulent Councillors perform a classical ballet, with Mrs Phlox Gillyflower in the rear trying to catch up with them all the time, but finding it difficult to execute the pirouettes, etc. because of her tight skirts. This ballet should be short but pithy. At the end, the Councillors stand in a 'V' formation with its apex in the middle of the centre curtains and its extremities at the foots They repeat the chorus.)

Councillors (singing in swing time -

Coming in with a fatherly air,
Our meeting is a fatuous affair;
As we rollick and romp
With municipal pomp
Coming in with a fatherly air.

(The centre curtains part about ten feet, to disclose a large throne plentifully furnished with straw, upon which Aplop is sitting. Hisleton reclines at the foot of the throne. Behind the throne, a

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page 16

half-size back cloth has been lowered. Upon this back-cloth are the words: Wellington City Corporation. Suprema a Seatoun'. Below this is depicted the Arias of the Corporation. This is a bleeding heart, containing compartments in which are drawn the Italian Fascist emblem, a bundle of straw, a cap and bells, and the head of a clown. The colours are red, white and blue. Above the Arms is the Crest - two Mares rampant.)

Councillors

'Raising their arms in Nazi salute)
Hail Aplop! Sieg heil! Sieg Heil! Seig Heil!

(They sit down in unison, to the accompaniment of chords, cross-legged on the floor, in the (V' formation in which they are-standing.)

Hisleton

Oyes! Oyez! Oyez! Oh yeah?
Attend to our bombastic Mare!

Aplop

Before the business can begin, its
Usual to read the minutes. (Counting the Councillors)
Eeeny, meeny, minee, mo! (Points to Mr Cluckie)
Right, Mr Cluckie, Let 'er go!

Mr Cluckie

(Rising and obtaining Minute Book from Hisleton)

The entry's long - it would be wise,
If you agree, to summarise
The record of last evening's fun -

(Dramatically)

'Little attempted - nothing done'.

Aplop

Just as usual. Lift on high
Your hands if you're in favour.

Councillors. (Raising their hands) A ye!

Chorus of Councillors

(Singing to the air of 'The Virgin Sturgeon')

Give three cheers for the City Council!
Down with the dirty Bolsheviks!
Sing the glories of the Tories.

Aplop

(Raising his foreleg warningly)

Ssh! (Singing) We don't mix in politics!

Councillors (Rebuked)

We don't mix in politics.

Aplop

Item one on the agenda
Shall the City Council spend a
Thousand pounds on building spacious
Playing fields and children's creches?
(Mr Thievright stands up)

Aplop

Mr Thievright!

Mr Thievright

Goodness gracious!
To think of building children's creches!
The notion's positively Russian
I move to finish this discussion.

Aplop.

I second that. So lift on high
Your hands if you're in favour.

Councillors

(As before) Aye!

Chorus of Councillors (As before)

Give three cheers for the City Council.
Down with the dirty Bolsheviks.
Sing the glories of the Tories. -

Aplop

(As before) Shsh! We don't mix in politics.

Councillors

(As before) We don't mix in politics!

Aplop

Item two: A motion rash -
Should the Council waste its cash
In building lots of lovely houses
For City workers and their spouses?

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page 17

(Mr Tight stands up)

Aplop

Mr Tight.

Mr Tight.

My friends, take heart
At least the Council's made a start.
We have constructed ninety four
We only need ten thousand more.

Aplop

We'll turn it down. So lift on high
Your hands if you're in favour.

Councillors

(As before) A ye!

Chorus of Councillors (As before)

Give three cheers for the City Council
Down with the dirty Bolsheviks!
Sing the glories of the Tories -

Aplop

(As before) Shsh! We don't mix in politics!

Chorus

(As before) We don't mix in politics!

Aplop

Item three will quite unman you all -
Its tepid baths, a hardy annual!
Is the scheme within our power?

(Mrs Phlox Gillyflower rises)

Aplop

Councillor Phlox Gillyflower.

Mrs Phlox Gillyflower

What though Thorndon and Te Aro
Freeze you to the very marrow
Let us emulate our Mare,
And go in swimming all the year!

Aplop

We'll turn it down. So raise on high
Your hands if you're in favour.

Councillors

(As before) Aye!

Chorus of Councillors (As before)

Give three cheers for the City Council!
Down with the dirty Bolsheviks!
Sing the glories of the Tories-

Aplop

(As before) Shsh! We don't mix in politics!

Chorus

(as before) We don't mix in politics!

Mr Cluckie (Looking off)

Councillors! Pray gaze upon
This curious phenomenon!
That cloud of dust on the horizon -
It looks like buffalo or bison!

Mr Tight (Alarmed)

No, no. You are mistaken! That's
The City rat catcher and his cats!

(The Councillors begin to become alarmed and whisper one to another. The orchestra plays, very softly, 'The Rat catcher's Daughter')

Mr Thievright

I, a man of some discernment
Will move immediate adjournment!

Mr Cluckie (Terrified)

A Councillor is not a coward -
But we don't want to be devoured!

Aplop

We shall adjourn. So lift on high
Your hands if you're in favour.

Councillors

(Loudly) Aye!

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page 18

Chorus of Councillors (Very nervously - beginning to move off stage in single file)

Give three cheers for the City Council.
Down with the dirty Bolsheviks!
Sing the glories of the Tories -

Aplop

Ssh! We don't mix in politics!

Councillors

(Disappearing) Like ruddy hell we don't!

(The centre curtains close, and, as soon as the Councillors have disappeared, Sidi, Scrimgeour ella, Jonnalio, the Bulgie Zombie, the Artful Dpidger, and the Bare Bodkin enter. Meanwhile, behind the centre curtain, the back cloth is raised, the Mares enter the Mares Nest, and the throne is removed. As soon as these arrangements have been carried out, the centre curtains open fully, disclosing the office of 'Jonnalio's Weakly' as it was at the beginning of the Act.)

Sidi Ben Olland

Let's spend a moment, if you please,
Reviewing our activities;
Let's analyse to what extent
We're weakening the Government.

The Bare Bodkin

I met a Labourite at luncheon
And tried to trounce him with a trunchoen.

The Bulgie Zombie

I gave an anti-red oration
To the Employers Federation.

Jonnalio

I've raged at everything in sight;
As yet I haven't got a bite.

Sidi Ben Olland

I tried a cunning little stunt
To agitate the waterfront,
And if the project turns out well,
I'm sure the wharfics will rebel.

All.

Then let out fighting slogan be -
(Disunity'. Disunity'!

Jonnalio

One' influence subverts the workers -
That crazy craven Comrades' Circus!
At unity they all rejoice,
And splash it in the 'People's Voice'!

Sidi

Those cursed clownish crawling comrades
Are worse by far than Hitler's bomb raids.

The Artful Doiger

If I've a sore, they send it septic;
They make me really apopleptic!

Jonnalio

The Comrades' Circus keeps on snarlin'
At me - a bosom friend of Stalin!

(The sound of circus music is heard off, with the accompanying cheers, trotting horses, shouts of the clowns, and gradually becoming clearer, the voice of the Ringmaster, apparently leading the procession through the streets.)

Sidi

But hist! Observe my fearful frown
The Comrades' Circus is in town!
I think I hear the mournful moan
Of their leader, Doctor Silverstone.

The Voice of Dr Silverstone. Make way - Make way - Make way! The Comrades' Circus has come to town ! Positively the greatest show on earth! So come one and all, come young and old, to the greatest show on earth, which you will see tonight at the big marquee in Cuba Street. The biggest, brightest and best show on earth. Come and see our great lion-tamers, braving the ferocity of the capitalist lions and putting their heads right into their very mouths. Come and see the great troupe of tumblers, clowns and acrobats - the greatest collection of performers ever assembled under a single roof. And see

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page 19

also the great menagerie - the largest collection of aninmals ever held in captivity! See the captive Trotskyites, Anarchists, Pacifists and Fascists - all securely locked up, ladies and gentlemen you need have no fear! Make way! Make way! Make way! The Comrades Circus has come to town.'

His voice fades out. There is a burst of cheering. The Zombies and the Blondies rush in, excitedly.)

Zombies and Blondies

Come Sidi - come, Jonnalio
Let's go and see this startling show!

1st Zombie.

One act the papers say's a beaut!
A tight rope walker of repute
Does somersaults in fashion fine
Upon the Comrades' party line!

Sidi

Alas! In shame I hide my face!
The tight rope act will not take place.
They did'nt bill it - but I bid
The Tory press to say they did!

Zombies

Come, Blondies, let's be on our way!

Blondies

We won't get seats if we delay.

(They rush out again. Sidi weeps bitterly and the others crowd round to try to comfort him.)

Sidi (Tearfully)

Alas, that these foul fiends should scoop
All - all my brood at one fell swoop!

The Bulgie Zombie

Although, Dear Sidi, we're your seniors
We bow to your astounding genius.
Its clear that something must be done -
But what?

Sidi

(Resolutely) Hi! Aplop! Hisleton!

(The two mares trot out briskly from the mares Nest, and bow to Sidi.

Sidi

Mares, will you do a noble action
To help the progress of reaction?

Aplop and Hisleton (Together)

Although, dear Sidi, we don't mix
In Parliamentary politics,
We will do anything to please
The Nationalist reactionaries!

Sidi

Good. Gather round and I'll explain
The plans that should be put in train.
In order to exploit the workers
We must destroy the Comrades' Circus
And persecute them, so that they
Will fold their tents and steal away.

The Bare Bodkin

But how can we destroy a Party
So obviously hale and hearty?

Sidi

Hearken, Zombies, unto me,
In the North, across the sea,
There lives a maiden called the Minx
From whom the world in terror shrinks.
The Krimson Kremlin she inhabits
Indulging there her horrid habits.
To pass the time, this grim old girl
Controls an Internationale,
To which the Comrades in all regions
Pay unequivocal allegiance, -
For if they did'nt, they'd be told
To do without their Moscow gold.....

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page 20

[unclear: If we persuent the mighty Minx]
That Waydown Undah's C.P. Stinks
The madien may, in rage irrational
Dissolve the Comrades' Internationale.
And then we'd very quickly crush a
Party that's divorced from Russia!

Scrimgeourella

Oh, what a nighty brain has he!
We should' to help posterity,
Inscribe on parchment or on vellum
These fruits of Sidi's cerebellum.

Bulgie Zombie

Ome Small objection strikes me, though -
Perhaps the Mighty minx will know
The system Sidi now prefers
Isn't quito the same as hers.
I feel that if the dame's been told,
Then our reception might be cold.

Sidi

I think it would be bound to please
The Minx if we were refugees
Deported from our native land
By Mr Razoe and his band.
So comrades Let us clench our fists
And garb ourselves as Communists
In beards and bombs and crimson cloaks -
And thus the mighty Minx we'll hoax.

Scrimgecurella

What brilliant plans the man devises!

(Jonnalio is fishing around in a drawer in the desk and producing red claoks, beards, bombs, busts of Lenin etc.)

Jonnalio

I can supply you with disguises...
Beards - bombs and busts - a sickle too,
Apparell of a crimson hue -
I sometimes wear this fancy dress
When I give a pseudo-left address.

(The Zombies dress themselves up in the cloaks and beards. They hav their arms full of bombs, copies of the 'People's Voice' busts of Lenin, hammers, sickles, the works of Marx etc. They put beards on Aplop and Hisleton.)

Sidi

Let's away, in fear and tremblin!
To meet the mistress of the Kremblin.

Jonnalio

Let's away, to meet this cross cow!
Let's start our mission to Moscow!

Chorus Zombies

(Air - 'The Road to the Isles')

With a hammer and a sickle to far Moscow we will go,
Where the workers flag is flying in the cold;
We will take a bust of Lenin, the collected works of Marx,
And we'll come back laden up with Moscow gold!
Oh, the far Kremlin is putting love on me,
As off we go interview the Minx!

(Sidi and Jonnalio mount Aplop and Hisleton, and other Zombies follow them off, repeating the chorus, as the curtain falls.)

Curtain

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