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The Zealous Zombies. Or In Which We Lerv. A Political Perversion in Three Paroxysms [1944]

The Zealous Zombies — Prologue

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The Zealous Zombies

Prologue

Persons in the Prologue

  • A chorus of students.
  • The ghost of Aristophanes
  • King Henry VIII and his six wives.
  • King John, three Baronesses, and three Barons.
  • The Emperor Asparagus.
  • Kitty from Cairo.

The Scene is the meeting room of the Supreme Soviet of Victoria College Students in the year 3000 A.D.

(The Curtain rises on six feet of stage. A glass and chrome table is seen at each side of the stage, with six chairs of similar materials. A banner is lowered from the flies stating "Victoria University College, 3000 A.D." A chorus of students - six men and six women - enter from either side. They are dressed in futuristic costumes. They sing the following chorus, execute a short futuristic ballet, and then repeat the chorus):

Chorus of Students

(Air - "Deep in the Heart of Texas")

Students we
of 3000 A.D.
Up at Victoria College.
It's pleasant to hear
That we still like beer,
Up at Victoria College.
When lectures are done
We still have fun
Up at Victoria College.
Though years have passed
We still live fast -
Up at Victoria College.

(At the conclusion of the ballet and repeat chorus, the students sit at the tables at either side of the stage. The Chairman rises.)

Chairman:

I declare this session of the Supreme Soviet of Victoria College Students open. Comrades and friends, I think most of you know why we're meeting here tonight. As part of the celebrations to mark the year 3000 A.D., we have pledged ourselves to compile a history of that quaint and barbarous form of entertainment known as the "Extravaganza." Up to now we haven't got very far. As you know, most of the records of earlier days at the College have been destroyed, and all that we have are a few charred fragments of printed matter relating to the subject which our historians have called "The Extravaganza Fragments" (He holds up a small bundle of charred papers). And these fragments give evidence of such a low mentality on the part of the writers that I am very reluctant to believe that they are authentic. Indeed, Comrade Jameson here is writing a thesis proving that they are forgeries. What is its title, Comrade Jameson?

Jameson:

"That the Extravaganza Fragments are Apocryphal Interpolations Inserted in the Original Scripts by white-Guard Reactionaries for the Purpose of Under-mining the Confidence of the Proletaria in the Intellectual Petit-Bourgeoisie."

Chairman:

We shall now receive the reports of the three sub-committees appointed to examine the Extravaganza Fragments. Comrade Jenkinson.

Jenkinson:

Comrade Chair, Comrades and friends! my sub-committee has carefully examined the Extravaganza Fragments and from the evidence we have deduced that the Extravaganza was undoubtedly a perversion of the old primitive Orgy. For a

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Tabs Chour Arist "Carry of back to by old Virginity" Mike Meclamcal

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few days in each year our forbears in these halla used to throw aside all dignity and restraint and get rid of their severe repressions in a riot of passio, pornography and pandemonium. In their licentious dances and dramas they would constantly rail against creatures called "politicians" - apparently a form of primitive monster now fortunately extinct.

Chairman:

Thank you, Comrade Jenkinson. The next report is from Comrade Jackson.

Jackson:

Comrade chair, comrades and friends: my sub-committee has carefully examined the Extravaganza Fragments, and from the evidence we have deduced that Victoria College in those days was financed by the profits from a large brewery, owned and operated by the students themselves. The Extravaganza was an advertising campaign conducted by the students to gain public support for the products of this brewery. The evidence from contemporary writers proves conclusively that the actual "Extravaganza", or advertising campaign, was merely a sort of argy of public beer drinking, the object obviously being to impress upon the public the potent qualities of the students' spirituous product.

Chairman:

Thank you, Comrade Jackson. The final report is from Comrade Johnson.

Johnson:

Comrade chair, etcetera. My sub-committee has carefully examined the Extravagana Fragments, and from the evidence we have deduced that Victoria College at the time of the Extravaganza wasn't a place for the dispensation of learning at all, but a well-organised matrimonial bureau. There went the sons and daughters of the bourgeoisie in order to acquire spouses. When business was not particularly brisk, the Extravagana, or Revel, was held. By means of displays of nudity, bawdry, and erotic dances, the senses of the students were stimulated, and the matrimonial business went back to normal.

Chairman:

Thank you, Comrade Johnson, Now, I think that we should -

(The Ghost of Aristophanes, attired in a beard and a white sheet, appears in a stage box. He speaks through a microphone).

Aristophanes:

Hi, you, down there!

Chairman:

Who the hell are you, anyway?

Johnson:

How yer doin', 'Arry?

Chairman:

Why don't you come down here?

Aristophanes:

I can't come down to earth. I am a poet. In the olden days I used to write Extravaganazas, and I reckon I can help you folk out a bit. You see, I'be been floating around the world watching Extravaganzas for 3000 years - ever since my last one got banned by the Areopagiticus because I introduced a male ballet of Vestal Virgins and made them sing, "I Don't Want to Walk Without You Baby." Boy, I had a grand time watching Extravaganzas - they just seemed to get me somehow. And then you people brought in your blasted New Order, and you didn't have any body to criticise any more, so Extravaganzas just died out. And now my own shows are almost forgotten - a few University students have to trandlate them, and a few clergymen, professors and such nitwits bowdlerise them; but that's about all.

Chairman:

Well, Comrade Aristophanes, tell us what you think of the reports of our three sub-committees.

Aristophanes:

Bullswool, my dear lad, sheer bullswool! Or, to put it in medieva language, nerts! There were orgies all right - I used to have a few in Greece myself after the show - there was a good bit of healthy bawdry - and there certainly was beer - but the whole is proverbially greater than its parts. Let's see -now how can I explain just what they were? Yes - the first thing that springs into my mind is the great beauty of the women who used to take part. Boy, they were red-hot mommas! Me me wish I was not disembodied. What hair! What eyes! What necks! What busts! What hips! What -

Students:

Censored!

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Chorus lines to come Spot on Henry Boloyn Parr Katta KathP Ann - Milter Jane - Coth

page C Chairman:

We'll skip to the feet, I think, Comrade Aristophanes, Tell us some more about Extravaganzas.

Students

(together) What was an Extravaganza?

Aristophanes:

Give us a chance, "boys. It isn't as easy to define as all that, You see, these beautiful women were a vital part of the Extravaganza. I remember once seeing a ballet - oh, an exquisite thing - with maidens of the most peerless beauty, I wonder if I can describe it to you?

(The lights begin to fade, and the curtains begin to part)

There were six lovely gazelle-like creatures in it - I was particularly taken with a little one on the right -

(His voice fades, there is a slow blackout, and a spot suddenly shoots out to illuminate a small stage set immediately behind the opening in the centre curtain. Behind thisminiature stage is a white half-size backdrop, with the words, "The Private Wices of Henry VIII" written on it. Upon a large throne sits King Henry VIII, dressed fantastically, and around him are scattered, in various appealing attitudes, a male ballet of the Six Wives of King Henry VIII, Tableau. The Wives then execute a clumsy ballet, and sing the following chorus)!

Chorus of Wives of Henry VIII.

(Air - "There Were Ten Pretty Girls")

We're the six pretty wives of King Henry the Eighth
And we do little jobs for the Council of State;
For we're cute little queens,
And we're all full of beans,
We're the six pretty wise little wives.

We're the six pretty wives of King Henry the Eighth,
And you've read in your books of our awful fate,
When he tires of the sport,
Then he cuts us off short-
That's the end of the wise little wives.

Anne Boleyn

I'mm Anne Boleyn -

Kathrine Perr

I'm Kathrine Parr -

Kathrine of Ar & K.H.

And we are the two other Kathrines -

Anne of Cleves

And that Just leaves

Sweet Anne of Cleves -

Jane Seymour

But I'm sure he couldn't be more

In love with Janey Seymour.

(Ballet here)

We're the six pretty wives of King Henry the Eighth
And we cherish this potent old potentate;
When with passion he burns
Then we take it in turns
For we're six pretty wise little wives.

(Blackout. Custains close, and the lights slowly come up again).

Aristophanes:

Boy, they made your mouth water, those girls! Now I'll tell you another thing about Extravaganzas - the historial aspect. Often the drama gave a new idea of history - gave it a novel slant that often turned out, upon subsequent research, to be a perfectly correst interpretation. For instance, there was a King called John who signed a Charter away back in history, and lots of people thought it was a rather important historical event, Let me tell you how I saw this scene interpreted once. The scene was Ganymede, England, and the year was 1215.

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Mascahra Barane Waltan Broadstock Young Baronesses Crompton John Nempleman Table face O.P.? Horel profile

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(His voice fades, and the lights fade to a blackout. A spot again shoots out on the inner stage. A placard on the backdrop reads "Ganymede," and there is also a clock painted on with the hands at a quarter past twelve. King John is disclosed seated on a throne, behind a small table. Two Baronesses are sitting on his knees, and another is stroking his hair from behind. His crown is askew and his apparel is somewhat disordered. The table is littered with bottles of sack, patent medicines, pens, seals, etc.)

Chorus of Baronesses

(Air - "Oh Johnny")

Oh Johnny, Oh Johnny,
How you can love,
Oh Johnny, Ohn Johnny,
Ducky wee dove.
In ardour we cling
To our cute little King
Oh Johnny, Ohn Johnny, Oh!

(John looks up at the clock and trues to push the women away).

John

Just a moment, ladies, please.
Remove your bodies from my knees.
I must get tidied up because
I am expecting visitors.
My come again, my pretty pets
When I've dismissed these baronets.
Now, ladies, do not make a scene.
You see - it's almost twelve-fifteen.
Why should a King be such a martyr?
I've got to sign some silly charter.
So straighten up my gold tiara,
And put on plenty of mascara.
(Only cynics, snobs and highbrows
Dislike mascara for the eyebrows),
Four me out a glass of sack,
And put my robe upon my back,
Hurry, please, for by that drumming
I judge the baronets are coming.

(The women protest)- (pointing to the clock)

(The ladies begin to fuss about him hurriedly, applying mascara to his eyebrows, plying him with drinks, and tifying him up)

(A drum is heard)

(The Baronesses feverishly finish their various jobs, and three Barons enter, dressed fantastically in sweat rags, saucepans, etc. The King nods gravely, but almost immediately afterwards clasps his hands to his stomach and begins to rock about and moan, as if in pain. The foremost Baron unrolls a large roll of toilet paper, which has written on one side "Magna Carta." The King's anguish appears to increase and gets worse as the following song is sun by the Barons. And at the end of each verse, John tries to get up and rush off, but the Barons restrain him as they sing, "No, John.")

Chorus of Barons

(Air - "Oh, No, John")

Will you please, your Royal Highness
Sign upon the dotted line -
Don't display such childish shyness -
Make your mark, your Highne as - sign!
Don't go, John, No John, No John, No.

See the mighty monarch tremble,
Doubled up as if in pain.
Nay, thou villain, don't dissemble -
Look there - whoops she goes again.
Don't go John, No John, No John No.

Let our forceful message sink in,
King of ancestry divine.
Here' s a fountain pen with ink in
Sign upon the fotted line
Don't go, John, No John, No John, No.

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By pen Host Wessell Working Rostrum Tabs open Arist Tea Simpson John exit Prompt side

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(The King gets a "bad spasm and, seizing the pen, signs his name with a flourich. Standing up, he points to one of the Baronesses end roars: "I said mascara, you fool, not cascara!" He grabs Magna Carta and rushes off. Lights up and curtain closed, as before.)

Aristophanes:

And that was how King John came to make his mark on Magna Carta, according to this particular Extravaganza. And who can say that this interpretation wasn't the right one?

Chairman:

Look here, Comrade Aristophanes, we haven't got all night. Can't you tell us, in just a few words, what as Extravaganza was?

Aristophanes:

But you just can't define it. It's too high and spiritual an art form to be capable of precise definition. I can only give you an example - for instance, some of the Extravaganzas put on by your own forbears here at Victoria College. While floating through your halls in my ghostly fashion today I saw two portraits above the entrance hall - of a man and a woman. Who were they?

Chairman:

Those, Comrade Aristophanes, are the revered benefactor and benefactress of our College - Rolle the Ravaging Roman and Kitty from Cairo.

Aristophanes

(roaring with laughter) So you reckon they were your founders, do you? That's a rich one, that is. Don't you know that those two individuals never existed except in the imaginations of [unclear: writers] of Extravaganzas in the 1930's? They were just Extravaganza characters, that's all.

(His voice fades, and curtains part as before to display the Emperor Asparagua and Kitty from Cairo on the rostrum).

Song - "Kitty From Cairo"

Song - "Rollo the Ravagaing Roman"

(At close of songs, curtains close and lights come up as before).

Chairman:

We still don't know what an extravaganza was.

Jameson:

Was it a White-Guard plot?

Johnson:

Was it a device to stimulate matrimony?

Jackson:

Was it an advertising campaign for a brewery?

Jenkinson:

Was it a form of the primitive orgy?

Students

(together) What was an Extravaganza?

Aristophanes:

Well, I've told you that the only way is to describe particular Extravaganza. Now there was one that I liked particularly - the one your ancestor put on in 1944 - "The Zealous Zombies, "it was called. Boy, that was a good show. Look -I've got the script here - how about letting me read it to you? Then you'll know exactly what an Extravaganza is.

(His voice continues on, but the lights fade, and in the blackout the students go from the stage, taking the tables and chairs with them. The stage is set in the blackout, so far as had not already been done, for Act I of "The Zealous Zombies." Aristophanes continues talking through the microphone.)

Aristophanes:

"The Zealous Zombies," a political perversion in three paroxysms. The scene if the Graveyard of Reaction in Waydown Undah. When the curtain rises, the graveyard is discovered in all its yawning horror. A spotlight travels around the stage, illuminating the points of interest. Thunder is heard, and great flashes of lightning are seen. It is clearly a dirty night.

(His voice fades off, the spot travels around the stage and "The Zealous Zombies" starts.)

End of Prologue.

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